throughnthrough

There come moments in all our lives that allow us a rare chance to take stock of ourselves, our lives, and to take a good look at who we really are, and who we really WANT to be... Don't beat yourself up too much, we all deal with tragedy and hard times differently. I can completely understand how you feel, I have been in that place emotionally myself (quite a few times.)

I'll give you a quick antidote about my own experience... (I'm an addict as you might now, clean and sober now but it's not been easy).. So my grandfather (on my mothers side) became very ill after his wife died, and he also suffered from dementia. At the time when it all began, I was heavy into drinking and drugs and so on. And unfortunately, once the dementia starts things go downhill pretty quickly. But anyway, eventually I found my way into rehab and was trying to get better. So, one weekend my family came to visit me and my counsellor asked me to come and have a chat with her and my parents in her office before the real visiting hours began (of course I was nervous, thinking that I had done something horrible and was about to get in trouble! selfish as I was, it was all about me!) Turns out I had not done anything, but my parents had wanted to tell me in private that my Grandfather had died. So, of course, I felt extremely guilty that I had spent so much time wasting my life away and trying to run away from my feelings so much that I had landed myself in the situation I was in. I felt so guilty that I had been so selfish and that I had not gotten to see my Grandfather before he had died. And then I was very concerned that because of all my poor and selfish decisions that I would not even be able to be there with the rest of my family for his funeral. Thankfully, I was allowed to leave with my parents so I could attend his wake and funeral... While I was away from rehab, for the wake and funeral, I went and visited a friend of mine (who I always used to drink and get high with before I had gone to rehab).. and I was sitting there with her, alcohol close at hand and being offered a joint to smoke when I realized that I couldn't, and wouldn't, be able to live with myself if I used my Grandfather's death as an excuse to relapse. I realized it would be yet another completely selfish act, and that it would also be an insult to his memory if I used him as an excuse. So I didn't drink, and I didn't get high that day. And I returned to rehab feeling pretty proud of myself. (I did eventually relapse, quite a few times, but I still feel that I made a good decision on that one day at least.)

The other thing is... when my Grandmother died and when my Grandfather got sick, like I said I was heavy into drinking and drugs, I didn't feel the pain I should have felt. I buried my grief, my sadness, every emotion I had in drugs and alcohol. And then, when I was sober, all of a sudden all those emotions attacked me, intensified because I had buried them so deeply for such a long time. So, the moral of my little story is... even though it hurts like hell, you have to let yourself feel the sadness and the grief and the anger while it's happening, because if you bury it and hide from it the way I did, eventually it will catch up with you, when you're least prepared to deal with it all. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of days that I would kill to just be able to have a drink or to get high and be able to escape my feelings for a little while, but the problem is it would only be for a little while, and eventually the feelings would be there, and I'd have to feel them. So, kudos to you on your decision, on your commitment to be a better you (and don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you to check into rehab or quit drinking forever, that's not my place! I just wanted to share my experience with you ) Every day is a chance for us all to turn our lives around, a chance to be the people we want to be versus who we have been. So, be the person you want to be. And I'll keep you and your Grandfather in my thoughts and my prayers.

Stay Strong & Beautiful <3

Sorry for the (not grandfather-related) bad news last night. Keep us posted!