Alright,
Don't read this if you don't want a long speil about my current mental state! Could be an interesting insight to me as a person though. Huh; I'm deep. Who'd a thunk it?
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I'm 25 years old, and I've been noticably depressed since I was 3 years old. My first grade teacher came to my house once to tell my mother that there was "something wrong with" me. I gave her attitude when I talked to her. Fuck yeah. Anyway, thats the start.
So fast forward until 13 (lots of frowns and isolation in between) when I discovered smokes and booze and pot. So, like, 3 years of being stoned calmed me down and numbed my emotions. I was pretty boring.
At 17, walked away from the pot, and picked up the bottle. NOT the thing to do when your depressed. Lots of suicide talk, and whole bunch of stuff I can't remember. My mom tells disturbing stories of conversations with me I have NO recollection of. So, sought help in the form of a psychiatrist, who gave me drugs that got me ridiculously hyper. Went off those drugs and stopped seeing the psychiatrist before I could be investigated for bipolar disorder.
Now 23, I broke down again and went to my doctor. She doped me up with Paxil. I stopped taking it after a year. Now, they tell you stop to see if it's psycholgical or physiological. I'm the latter, as it reared it's ugly head once again at 25, in the form of a nervous breakdown. Yeah, there was hospitals and days where I couldn't leave the house blah, blah, blah. So I go back on Paxil, which treats the anxiety (depression and anxiety go hand in hand, in case you didn't know), so now I'm not anxious, but REALLY FUCKING DEPRESSED. FUCK . Talk therapy helps a little but not much, so now I'm on NEW antidepressants WITH the Paxil, and suffice to say, my brain chemicals are FUCKED UP! Hopefully, I'll be a little balanced a few weeks, but right now I'm fucked. I get these HUGE moods swings involving crying (yes, crying. I admit to the act, cause I have the ability, and it feels good sometimes. Just shoot me for being a girl), and rage, and restlessness and on and on...
And they're thinking that it might bipolar AGAIN. JUST FIX MY BRAIN, DOCTORS! What do I pay taxes for?
A never ending journey, and it hasn't had one good part YET!
And so through all this shit, I became an isolationist, and never really understood interaction between people. I mean, I'm REALLY good at being phony and giving people what they want, but I hate doing that. So now I'm 25, but haven't really lived a day in my life. No sex, no more friends (now), no social life (now), no hobbies or activities or points of interest. But if you wanna talk theology or politics, come to me. I think that turns me on, which is fucking sick! It's the girls with brains and opnions that turn me on, not the politics.
And no, I don't blame chemical inbalances for everything, but it IS a factor. I take responsibility for my actions.
Phew. If you read that, thanks. I means alot actually. I kinda need someone (even an internet someone) to listen to (or read) my shit right now. This'll be last time I talk about. I'm sure people who read my journal are fucking sick of my bitching.
If you're a girl, wanna date my crazy ass? No? Didn't think so.
Well anyway, burn bright,
J.R.
P.S. When I refer to myself as "crazy" or say I'm "losing my mind," I'm exagerating to make a point. All in good fun. Sort of.
P.P.S. Ever asked yourself "What's J.R.'s physical ideal?" I know you have. Well, here it is
And since Lizzi is on my friends list, and I run the risk of her seeing this... I'm not creepy, I swear, you just look exactly like how I describe my perfect woman. It's uncanny.
P.P.S. People on this site astound me with their kindness. It restores my faith in humanity a little. Thank you.
