Saturday Jun 10, 2006

0
Grrrr, Argggg,

This is a hopelessly depressing and serious entry, so move on if you feel like gettin' cheered up or hearing something positive.



I've been thinking about suicide alot again. This isn't a suicide note, and no one's gonna be reading my obituary anytime soon; I ain't that far gone. However, I have a depressive personality at the best of times, so when I get down, I can't help myself from thinking about punching my own ticket. I wish this shit didn't roll around in my head, but it does, and thus far, therapy and drugs have done absolutely FUCK ALL.

I need to find my fire again. I was never all that positive or happy (my mother has actually been on a suicide watch for me for years; it's why she was unimpressed when I moved out), but I at least cared about stuff and people, but now I don't have shit. I guess I'm looking for a reason not to die.

Sorry if you read that, I just need to get it out, and no one ever listens to me. Maybe this'll help my mind move on. And then they wonder why I have no faith in people. Fuck. Just fuck.

Well anyway, burn bright,

J.R.

P.S. I guess this entry ain't gonna make me any friends! And......

THE RATS!!!!

VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
totalbliss:
The other day my friend asked me how I thought I would die. I have thought for many years that I would end up killing myself. I can understand how you feel. I can't control it any better. As you read from my journal, things get VERY SHITTY in my life, but things usually fall into place at the last second. If I make myself think back through my life, the problems that I have going on right now really are not that bad in comparison to things that have gone wrong before. Drugs work sometimes, therapy? hasn't worked yet. For myself, I think that someday things will go completely wrong and I won't be able to handle it. I have been trying to make myself think that I will get through this shit and things will get better again. But then I go to far and think that eventually they will go to shit again. Oh well, life's vicious cycle. Sorry this wasn't a cheery pick-me-up posting either.
hope:
keep that chin up. I think it's normal for everyone to have those types of thoughts sometimes, some of us just have them more often than others. But as libby said, hang in there.

I know that the bugs are always going to be here. I don't actually have a problem with them, after all, without them the world would be nothing...I just don't like that they're so close to my bed. kiss

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