thewineguy

Another year older and wiser?


Im definitely a year older. I dont feel like an old man, but when I hear Leonard Cohen talking aching in the places where he used to play, I know what the hell he means. As far as wiser? I feel either dumber or more convinced than ever that I wasnt meant for this world. So very little makes sense to me. Im back to square one in my life. Single, broke, jaded, and lots of other negative words. My increased understanding of the world and the people that live in it isnt really helping. It just makes me more pessimistic. The other day I was at this function and the waitress there was one of the most gorgeous women I have seen in my life. Now a long time ago I might have done something about it, but wisdom keeps me far away from those mistakes. Life has its little rules and thats one of them. I mean for guys like me it is, Brad Pitt couldve banged her in the bathroom, but for me social setting is very important. You dont want to get put into the wrong box. Of course the box I actually belong in is probably considered a wrong box so I dont really worry too much about that to tell you the truth. But age does give you psychic powers, you can see the bumps in the road and avoid them before hitting them. Or you can prepare for impact when you know shit is going to hit the fan.

Ive learned to pick my battles. Not every argument can be won, not every person can be reasoned with, and somethings are doomed to failure before you even start out. So how is it that I get myself out of bed in the morning? Because even though I know that today is going to be a train wreck, its a challenge to make the best of it. Maybe I will help someone, make someone laugh, learn something interesting. Those are all definite possibilities. So even though I know Im not going to have a change montage that catapults me into success I do know that I can contribute something positive to the world that day. And at the end of the day whether or not I did or didnt, I know that i probably will tomorrow, same as I know that my life isnt going to change tomorrow. Inertia is a terrible thing. My feet are glued to the ground and I cant find the energy to get them moving. I feel like I know whats at the end of the marathon already, and I dont see why I should run towards that finish line. I feel that the sooner I accept my fate the better. You know, after thirty youre no longer an underachiever, youre actually just a loser.

I thought I would have the kids, the job, the house, the dog etc, and I dont and I know that I never will. And even though I think I wouldve been a good father, I already know that I would make a bad husband. So I do what I can. Im like the guy at the end of the bench that you call in when there is some kind of desperate emergency but who on any given night can deliver the game winner. This knowledge I have obtained is out there for people who need it, and I do get a fair chance of opportunities to help people, and with each passing day, that role becomes easier to swallow. Sure sometimes the milligram of ambition I have left kicks me in the ass and I get mad at myself and decide to get going on something, but the reality of the present douses that fire and I calm down and focus on the task at hand.

I can understand how this might read as sad, pathetic, or whiny, but its none of those things. I saw my future clearly a long time ago, and Im actually right on target. I flirted with the sun for a long time, took a few swings, and landed now where I belong. Okay maybe I belong a little better off than this, but all of that bitterness about my station is gone. I dont feel entitled to anything. I dont feel mad at the world that Im not Bill Gates son. I feel like I have had a great run, and that Im still going to enjoy the hell out of a lot more things than the average sad sack I see passing me on the street.

And who knows maybe in a decade or so, me and some like minded woman will both give up at the same time and marry each other just for the fuck of it. I have something to look forward to after all.