thewineguy

I kind of feel like im walking in quicksand lately. I cant get past the concept of life as a board game. Somewhere along the way that popped into my head and I havent been able to shake it out. This idea that we are moving towards some goal, and that yesterdays accomplishments count for something. You got to school, survive adolescence, go on to college, find a career, find a mate, have kids, retire and die. Or whatever variation of that makes you happy, but either way theres something in my brain that says it should all be moving in some kind of linear progression. Goals, plans, etc. Ive always been terrible about that sort of thing. I spent my last year at University going, oh shit oh shit oh shit. Ive always kind of lived my life like a riverboat gambler. I see an opportunity and I jump on it. You have to know your own strengths and weaknesses. Im not good at creating my own opportunities, but im excellent at taking advantage of the ones presented to me. So thats where Im at now, Im waiting for the next ship to come along. One has always come before, so im hoping that streak continues.
At this point, not having all of the aforementioned stuff is both depressing and liberating. Its too late for my to have my game board pre planned life at this point so the pressure to do that is gone, but at the same time, when I look at some of my friends that do have those lives, I envy them. Ive always been torn between stability and chaos. Theres definitely a part of me that really wants to have some kind of stable situation. Im really rambling now. To sum up, do what makes you happy, the big picture is an illusion, you could get hit by a bus etc. If you keep waiting for some fictional later date to do what makes you happy, youre just building up a big pile of regrets.