therealtexasguy

I'm in damn good spirits. Found out I owe like five grand less on my truck then I thought I did. How this is, I do not know. I suspect a clerical error, but that's what my BoA bill says. Yippee!!

I like being drunk - I like it a lot. The headaches kind of suck (hence the reasons I avoid beer...except for nights like this when I am out of wine). Getting sober is horrid, though - the reason we all aren't drunk all day every day.

"Here's Me Trying" by William Shatner is a powerfully emotional song. Truly. Few songs have ever evoke such a response from me in all my life.

I know it is my fear of being a bad father. Or, worse yet, the fact that I very well may be a bad father and I don't even know it. My mind continually goes to that one girl and that one night and then that one encounter many, many months later when she was just pregnant enough for it to be mine, and all those times I tried to find her and couldn't....I could have a child out there that doesn't even know me....I could be everything that I strive so hard not to be....that thought sickens me.

On a lighter note (I need one right now in my drunken stupor), I am in love with this William Shatner album. This shit is pure, poignant genius.

The time is extremely fucking neigh when I will have to make a choice; expand my business, or let it go. Jesus, the appeal to let it go is so strong - it would be sooooo easy. Go back to the simpler life of punching a clock for someone else. I always hated working for someone else, but working WITH other people is so much better then running a business by yourself. I guess I'm more of a social person then I thought....hmmm...this requires further evaluation (spl?).

If I do let the business go, I may very well trade in my truck for a Camaro and move my ass up to Seattle to be near my family. Perhaps that is why the draw is so strong. Finding work up there isn't so easy, I here, but I have hella connections. Two of my brothers are big dogs at paint companies, and the third is Mr. Wonder Kid in the sales division of this gigantic industrial chemical company. I could find work - it'd be shit work that I would hate, and it'd be hard, but the pay would be damn good, better even then I get now....I could get a cheap apartment and maybe even go to college (though it would cost me FOUR TIMES as much up there as it does here...and that's just for community college).

I'm going up to Seattle this summer for a month. I'm going to stop over in Reno for a night or two...probably more like three or four. Rent a car and jet down to Yerington to square all that noise with myself. Visit my family, some of them probably for the last time (I know my Grandmother is near dead sick, but I also doubt that I'll ever wish to see some of the others again). Truthfully, I just want to see my sister and see my Grandmother and to visit the town (if you could call it that) of my youth. Maybe get into a bar fight with a couple of the kids I never liked in school and know are still around there somewhere ( hehehehehe).

I spent the whole day sleeping. I needed some time to myself. I finally beat the cold, but it drained me, and I needed a lot of sleep. Still, that means I will spend the better part of ten hours tomorrow working nonstop....if not longer. Oh well, I've worked longer shifts. Hell, I worked ninety hours one week. Keep in mind this was at a store that isn't even open that many hours a week (this was more these shifts were more then open to close).

OK, I need to finish cleaning up this disaster I call an apartment. That house I was going to buy fell through, so I need to prepare myself for being in this place for longer then expected.