God Almighty, I'm a fucking MORON!!! A drooling, ignorant, simpleton idiot! Where the fuck did my brain go on vacation these last few weeks? Why didn't it take me with it? Christ...I feel so stupid I might just throw up.
My girl isn't angry, she's scared of me. That's what it is. Not physically, of course (I'm a rather imposing figure to a girl who is all of five three, but I haven't been physically threatening for years now). No, she's scared of what I represent. She's scared of me because she fell in love with me. I know she's in love with me; she tries to deny it and say that she's just "falling" for me, but this is so obviously not the case.
No, this woman has been hurt so badly in the past she was terrified from me at the very beginning, because we hit it off in stellar fashion. Truthfully, all of my relationships have a tendency to be roller coasters; zero-to-sixty in half a second, then the real fun begins. So she meets me and she's scared of me - she told me so in the beginning, and then never brought it up again. As time went on, she must have grown more and more scared. I know, because I feel the same way about her.
This woman terrifies me. Terrifies me! Everything she represents and embodies is my mortal fear; love, happiness, joy, contentment. I was not a creature raised on the happy side of the world. I grew up in a hateful, spiteful, vindictive environment - as long as I can remember, this is all I've known.
So when she comes along, it's only natural that she scared the ever living shit out of me.
This epiphany is like a sledgehammer to my face. How could I have been so fucking blind!? I would have seen this a million miles away if it was one of my friend's relationships; that's what I'm best at, helping my friends with their relationship problems.
That's why she's using every excuse, more of them valid then not, to avoid me. Just as I have with her, I am avoiding her because everytime I even hear her voice, I'm that much far gone.
How the fuck could I have missed this? It was sitting in front of me and throwing cigarette butts at my face just to remind me that it was there, and somehow I was blind to it's very existence. Fuck!
And, of course, now I've gone and done shit that just can't be undone. At least I never slept with anyone else. Shit, I haven't even kissed anyone else, but infidelites (spl??) of the heart are one in the same. Does it matter that I didn't really give a shit about the other woman? That she was merely a means to an end; a way to kill time when I needed to kill time the most? Probably not.
I fear that I saw this too late. Not because of what I've done, but because of what she's done. I'm no fool; I know how the world works, and to expect her to have not crossed the line on her end is idiotic. If I had seen this early enough.... ???
And I owe it all to "Eternal Sunshine". What a sappy, stupid fucking thing to say, but I'm laying on my floor, finishing the last of my cigarettes, contemplating what I want to get at the gas station (Kamel Red Lights v. Camel Light 100s) and I think "I used to be just like that character". You know, when he's in the pancake house talking about "why do I fall in love with every woman who shows me the least bit of attention?". That one, cause I used to be like until I got a bit older and a great deal more jaded.
And then I'm watching the interaction between Carrey and Winslet thinking "Christ! This is insane acting" and I'm, naturally, blown away by Kaufman's story. Start thinking how cool it would be to pick up the story where it left off before everything goes to shit. Not with these two characters, but a love story of two people falling madly in love in a manner of seconds. Thinking how I'm going to write that, how I could make that work - so I think on my own past, and the three or four women I've done that with; I met them and the next thing I knew, we hadn't left each other's side for three days straight.
And it dawns on me; that's me and my girl! Only without our ingrained fears of committment and relationships. Without our fear of falling in love and breaking our hearts again. That's when it hit me.
Funny, huh, how my mind works? I start with thinking about how cool I think Winslet looks like with blue hair (and the fact that the last girl I fucked had the same kind of hair) and I end up solving my relationship problems/woos in a matter of seconds.
Fuckin' a. My mind's like a god damn jalopy - when it works, it's fast as a Lamborghini, but most of the time it's a wonder that you get the fucking engine to turn over. Fucking drugs and alcohol. "Don't worry, it wouldn't poison your mind" my ass. irreperable harm.
Agh. I need cigarettes and fresh air and better music. I need to sort this all out in my head, how i'll go about fixing this. What to say to make her understand?
My girl isn't angry, she's scared of me. That's what it is. Not physically, of course (I'm a rather imposing figure to a girl who is all of five three, but I haven't been physically threatening for years now). No, she's scared of what I represent. She's scared of me because she fell in love with me. I know she's in love with me; she tries to deny it and say that she's just "falling" for me, but this is so obviously not the case.
No, this woman has been hurt so badly in the past she was terrified from me at the very beginning, because we hit it off in stellar fashion. Truthfully, all of my relationships have a tendency to be roller coasters; zero-to-sixty in half a second, then the real fun begins. So she meets me and she's scared of me - she told me so in the beginning, and then never brought it up again. As time went on, she must have grown more and more scared. I know, because I feel the same way about her.
This woman terrifies me. Terrifies me! Everything she represents and embodies is my mortal fear; love, happiness, joy, contentment. I was not a creature raised on the happy side of the world. I grew up in a hateful, spiteful, vindictive environment - as long as I can remember, this is all I've known.
So when she comes along, it's only natural that she scared the ever living shit out of me.
This epiphany is like a sledgehammer to my face. How could I have been so fucking blind!? I would have seen this a million miles away if it was one of my friend's relationships; that's what I'm best at, helping my friends with their relationship problems.
That's why she's using every excuse, more of them valid then not, to avoid me. Just as I have with her, I am avoiding her because everytime I even hear her voice, I'm that much far gone.
How the fuck could I have missed this? It was sitting in front of me and throwing cigarette butts at my face just to remind me that it was there, and somehow I was blind to it's very existence. Fuck!
And, of course, now I've gone and done shit that just can't be undone. At least I never slept with anyone else. Shit, I haven't even kissed anyone else, but infidelites (spl??) of the heart are one in the same. Does it matter that I didn't really give a shit about the other woman? That she was merely a means to an end; a way to kill time when I needed to kill time the most? Probably not.
I fear that I saw this too late. Not because of what I've done, but because of what she's done. I'm no fool; I know how the world works, and to expect her to have not crossed the line on her end is idiotic. If I had seen this early enough.... ???
And I owe it all to "Eternal Sunshine". What a sappy, stupid fucking thing to say, but I'm laying on my floor, finishing the last of my cigarettes, contemplating what I want to get at the gas station (Kamel Red Lights v. Camel Light 100s) and I think "I used to be just like that character". You know, when he's in the pancake house talking about "why do I fall in love with every woman who shows me the least bit of attention?". That one, cause I used to be like until I got a bit older and a great deal more jaded.
And then I'm watching the interaction between Carrey and Winslet thinking "Christ! This is insane acting" and I'm, naturally, blown away by Kaufman's story. Start thinking how cool it would be to pick up the story where it left off before everything goes to shit. Not with these two characters, but a love story of two people falling madly in love in a manner of seconds. Thinking how I'm going to write that, how I could make that work - so I think on my own past, and the three or four women I've done that with; I met them and the next thing I knew, we hadn't left each other's side for three days straight.
And it dawns on me; that's me and my girl! Only without our ingrained fears of committment and relationships. Without our fear of falling in love and breaking our hearts again. That's when it hit me.
Funny, huh, how my mind works? I start with thinking about how cool I think Winslet looks like with blue hair (and the fact that the last girl I fucked had the same kind of hair) and I end up solving my relationship problems/woos in a matter of seconds.
Fuckin' a. My mind's like a god damn jalopy - when it works, it's fast as a Lamborghini, but most of the time it's a wonder that you get the fucking engine to turn over. Fucking drugs and alcohol. "Don't worry, it wouldn't poison your mind" my ass. irreperable harm.
Agh. I need cigarettes and fresh air and better music. I need to sort this all out in my head, how i'll go about fixing this. What to say to make her understand?