thequestpants

Ok, first things first. To all you ladies out there. Yes, I'm sure I can come visit you for a little 'quality time' but I'm in pretty heavy demand, so if you ain't a 10, then go find yourself someone else to get you all buttery between the thighs. I got standards to maintain.

Ok, so after spending some time checking out the girl-on-girl action in Nottingham, I got that familiar old itch under the waistband that meant it was time to be moving on. Besides, some of the ladies were getting clingy, and after hanging out in one too many washbaskets with no fabric softener, I'm pretty fuckin sick of cling, if you catch my drift.

So I headed on and out to Leeds, I'd heard good things about the nightlife and figured it might be good to hit the dancefloors, shake my moneymaker a little. As fun as it was being pisshole-deep in hot ladies,I've spent too long cooped up baskets and hotel rooms. It's time to really stretch out and work my magic.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

So the night started out ok enough, I hit up this little bar called Bourbon. It was pretty quiet, a good way to warm up an evening of broken hearts and busted faces. Now I don't believe in serendipity or any of that hippy shit (unless I'm macking on some hot stoner chick who's not too hairy and doesn't smell too bad) but there's just been way too many coincidences lately. First of all I run into the dude who showed me round London and some of his buddies. At first it was just kinda cool to catch up, shoot the shit over a few brews, you know the deal. But then things started getting weird. He was all 'hey man, it'd be cool if we got a picture with you and my buddy, but it'd be, like, totally hilarious if he put you on!'. Now I was getting a little weirded out, but I figuredI'd play a long a bit, you know, act a little willing and see what happens.



But then things got really weird.



Rest assured I bugged the fuck out of that situation as quick as I possibly could. And things were pretty cool to start with, apparently it was some chick's birthday so, you guessed it, I pull some of the old Questpants charm, tell her I can guarantee many happy returns and I've got her tongue all over me before you can say 'how about a birthday kiss for the sexiest undewear in the room?'



After that I figured I was pretty much in the zone and ready for some serious macking. However, these two fruitjob weirdos got their hands on me and God only fucking knows what they thought they were doing. They were both called Gary, or Cary, or some shit like that, I don't know if they were trying to be erotic or funny or what the fuck but let me tell you, these Questpants don't swing that way. The dickhole's on the front people, and it's there for a reason. There ain't gonna be no backdoor action.





So I'm thinking my night is taking a serious turn for the toilet and then guess what happens next? You know I was telling you about that hot leggy blonde that was just getting way too involved? I only fucking run into her right in the middle of Leeds



OH GOD JESUS SHE'S GONE WEDDING CRAZY RUN RUN RUN OH FUCK SHE'S GOT ME LET GO YOU CRAZY BITCH LET GO ARGH



NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I'M A FREE SPIRIT LADY YOU CAN'T TIE ME DOWN I DON'T CARE IF YOU MISSED YOUR PERIOD I DON'T NEED NO LITTLE BABY POSING POUCH PUTTING DRAG ON MY GAME FUCK OFF LADY



FUCK LADY JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HOT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN DO THIS TO ME

So yeah, that was one scary fukkin situation. Now I'm used to girls going all crazy and shit after spending a night with me, but this was seriously fuckin intense. In the end I managed to get out of it, but only by distracting her with some weirdo that kept sniffing and rubbing at her veil. Dude had some serious fetish shit going on, I didn't know what the fuck but whatever works, right?



So. Scary fuckin night. I've had bad ones before, but that was one close scrape. I don't remember much of the rest of the night. I got fuckin trashed to try and forget. I don't even remember how it ended, but hell, it's not like it could have gone much worse, right?