I've been for a LONG walk. Thoughts that crossed my mind:
What would we be like without perpetual fear? There were two girls running down the sidewalk playing, and their mother said to me, "Can you imagine them in NY city? I'm going to have to get them lessons in Karate though, they'll have to be black belts before I can let them loose." Even beyond the fear of physical harm, there's the fear of derision and lack of social acceptance as adults that keeps us from running down the street and playing like that. Luckily my friends never see that as a negative thing, but it hasn't completely saved me, or them from the effects of the rest of society.
"So this is what it's like to be an attractive woman walking down the street... heh." Not to say that I'm the most attractive guy, but good lord you get checked out alot if you're an even moderately attractive guy walking down the street in the castro. Saddening somewhat that I can't take advantage of it. Also fed back into the fear thing. It always saddens me that women walking down the street avert their eyes in fear if you are a guy. Not ALL of them do, but I'd say 90 percent. I hate that feeling.
I want to work on paper again... large format. I've been working on several drawings on the computer, and it's really the combination of the inability to work on details while seeing the whole image, and the lack of fine control over the marks that are getting me down. On the other hand, having layers and an undo button are nice. I need to get a large drawing board and figure out a place to work in my apartment.
I love the city. So many different things in every direction. So many examples of humanity and it's many facets.
I think reading can be dangerous. I've been completely submerged in so many great and complex experiences in my head that it makes my life seem small in comparison sometimes. Granted, it's only that way if you take it as reality instead of imagination, but sometimes it's challenging to accept your own existence as important in the face of it all. Hell, it doesn't even take a story. Sometimes I just look at the sky, or a 60 story building, or a colony of ants, and feel my existence is trivial. Then I realize my existence is the only reason any of those things matter as far as I'm concerned and I perk up
I am lonely. Lonely for meaningful interactions. Lonely for shared enthusiasm... for mutual experience. Lonely for want of passion. Casuality and meaningless exchange tire me and seem a waste of the preciousness of time... but they seem needed to get to the moments of intensity and meaning. It has been years since I've really felt that kind of experience with another, and especially with a group of friends. I will keep looking I guess... not much of a choice in the matter, as I need it and it most likely won't happen upon me accidentally.
Long walk...
What would we be like without perpetual fear? There were two girls running down the sidewalk playing, and their mother said to me, "Can you imagine them in NY city? I'm going to have to get them lessons in Karate though, they'll have to be black belts before I can let them loose." Even beyond the fear of physical harm, there's the fear of derision and lack of social acceptance as adults that keeps us from running down the street and playing like that. Luckily my friends never see that as a negative thing, but it hasn't completely saved me, or them from the effects of the rest of society.
"So this is what it's like to be an attractive woman walking down the street... heh." Not to say that I'm the most attractive guy, but good lord you get checked out alot if you're an even moderately attractive guy walking down the street in the castro. Saddening somewhat that I can't take advantage of it. Also fed back into the fear thing. It always saddens me that women walking down the street avert their eyes in fear if you are a guy. Not ALL of them do, but I'd say 90 percent. I hate that feeling.
I want to work on paper again... large format. I've been working on several drawings on the computer, and it's really the combination of the inability to work on details while seeing the whole image, and the lack of fine control over the marks that are getting me down. On the other hand, having layers and an undo button are nice. I need to get a large drawing board and figure out a place to work in my apartment.
I love the city. So many different things in every direction. So many examples of humanity and it's many facets.
I think reading can be dangerous. I've been completely submerged in so many great and complex experiences in my head that it makes my life seem small in comparison sometimes. Granted, it's only that way if you take it as reality instead of imagination, but sometimes it's challenging to accept your own existence as important in the face of it all. Hell, it doesn't even take a story. Sometimes I just look at the sky, or a 60 story building, or a colony of ants, and feel my existence is trivial. Then I realize my existence is the only reason any of those things matter as far as I'm concerned and I perk up
I am lonely. Lonely for meaningful interactions. Lonely for shared enthusiasm... for mutual experience. Lonely for want of passion. Casuality and meaningless exchange tire me and seem a waste of the preciousness of time... but they seem needed to get to the moments of intensity and meaning. It has been years since I've really felt that kind of experience with another, and especially with a group of friends. I will keep looking I guess... not much of a choice in the matter, as I need it and it most likely won't happen upon me accidentally.
Long walk...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
obsidity:
I might just have to come out as a porn addict. or at least a talking to people I meet on porn sites addict. I am too lazy to sweep the trail clean...
lil_tuffy:
top secret software for the gov't