I have had a pretty blessed life. I've also managed to have a lot of fun in my short stint on Earth. But it became quite clear that something was wrong with my thought process and the way I was living. Eventually I managed to come to terms that somewhere along the lines I had gone from a normal drinker to being an alcoholic.
I've stated many times that I would never drink again following a serious hangover or some stupid mishap I instantly regretted. I am pretty sure that the longest any of these enlightened moments lasted was 2 months, tops. But I made I serious attempt last May and called my doctor and got myself into an outpatient program and forced myself to it all serious.
Then the shit hit the fan. I'm currently married to a wonderful woman who has tolerated me through all of my antics and has even loved me in spite of them. But neither her nor I was prepared for sobriety. No one clearly explained to me that simply abstaining from liquor was not going to solve my problems. Years of drinking and a bad attitude had left me emotionally stunted. I quickly become a wreck and took my shit out on anyone who was unlucky enough to be around.
My wife left in November with her son and moved in with her parents. In that time I relapsed for a month or so. That was my rock bottom. I've been divorce but I buried that hurt with drinking and partying. This time without the booze I was wrecked. Forced to face a complete mess that I had made face to face. I instantly blamed her for not sticking around. She clearly could not see I had a problem. I mean honestly, what kind of woman leaves her husband as he struggles with sobriety?
That was my problem, I stopped drinking but I never took inventory of my real issues. I thought the whole deal was stop drinking and everything gets better. I was wrong. When I realized this in a singular moment of clarity I found myself in a meeting with other drunks like me. They had the answer, I didn't need to be told not to drink, I needed to be taught how to live.
53 days this time and I am happier and I can finally think with some clarity. I am still suffering through some issues with my wife and she hasn't moved back in yet but I'm realizing the extent of the damage I did. This is my first blog and I'm not sure what compelled me, maybe someone will read it maybe not. But I think I may keep doing these weekly. In fact, next Saturday will be day 60 for me.
One Day at a Time