tatian

thanks for the help... I've narrowed it down to a few. Hope it gets changed eventually.

***
UM... This blog is a damn mess, just fyi... have fun with it...

***

I can't sleep tonight. I am pretty sure now that I lost my St. Christopher pendants and I can't stop crying; one of them my dad gave to me years and years ago and the other Chris gave to me... and I can not find them anywhere.

They were the only pieces of jewelry that actually had meaning to me; I'd trade in everything I got just to have them back ::cries::

***

thank GOD (???) for Chris (the ONE solid thing in my life) or I might have cut my wrists a long fucking time ago.

but really tho, overall - what a PISSY fucking day. PISSY fucking week. a PISSY month.

in all honesty, nothing has really been "good" for me this year; nothing has worked out as planned... I keep losing things, or things keep breaking (COUGH COUGH - like the saab) ... I can't think straight, my panic attacks are back full blast and everything seems so icky.

I want to crawl under a rock or punch something.. i cant decide which.

My neighbors downstairs are playing loud, high-bass crap... (AT LEAST PLAY SOMETHING GOOD!) thank God I got the fan on and it's drowning out some of their terrible taste in music. HA. They are inconsiderate cocky jerks. All they do is litter and throw loud annoying parties 24-7... that got old real quick...

I can't wait to get out of this shit hole; this month could not pass by soon enough; I am counting down the minutes until we are free from this place...

SGland seems sad and depressing to me lately... got some great new sets up, but still... just "sad".

does that make any sense???

none of this is fun anymore.

what gives?

i kinda wish i could just delete everything and start over in general

::clicks DELETE::

everything is super upseting to me lately.

life sucks.

i hAAAAAAAAAAAAate this.

fuck.

I HATE EVERYTHING right now.

fuck everyone and everything - the world is going to shit.

Obama won the primary; BIG surprise. <-- sarcasm... Either which way, we are all royally screwed; none of the 3 were good candidates, if you ask me.

this is so damn depressing; i only see things getting worse from here on in... and now we'll have a fucking PREACHER in office, assuming the democrats win at all...

we should just shoot ourselves now and get it over with.

what a fucking mess - depressing, depressing, depressing...

::rants::

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

i wish i had my punching bag set up right now, i could totally afford to get rid of some of this rage.

don't fuck with me. i will hurt you.

GIR

:-p

i wanna cry some more and throw my fist through a fucking window.

how's that for being bipolar. I am going freaking crazy...

i can keep ranting btw...

(why do i feel so terrible? ) i just want to feel "normal"

***

I have started a new book, btw... the first one I wrote was called "And then she fell"... and this one... ::thinks:: I'm gonna call.... hmmm.... "Miscellaneous MESS" or "MOSTLY TRUth" or something along those random, sketchy lines... here is some MISCELLANEOUS clips of it (it's mostly about being "manic")

i sit and fester in the unknowable questions
pondering them and then pondering why
it is so impossible to ponder them at all...

nothing is as it seems in this place i sit
the surrounding noise so unfamiliar
an irritating interuption in this life...

and i am paying for it, everyday I stay
i want to savagely sabbotage it's source
cutting it up, from it's center to it's end...

but whilst dreaming of that I realize in dismay,
it will only begin again, the very next day.
the day that i decide to deal and stay...

***

I am a Miscellaneous Mess. A borage of manic depression, panic attacks, social anxiety disorder, anorexia, PTSD, bulimia, anorexia and the like; you name it, I've either "got it" or been diagnosed with it.

Who I am, you ask? Like you care. Who am I? - how existential! I am a bringer of misery, a darkness where there is light; a synical son of a bitch - I show truth where there is none (that wants to be seen).

I am a daughter, a lover, a sister, a childless mother... a painter, a writer, a poet; an artist. I create love where there is no love. I create words where there are no words... I am a worker bee; the mother bee - the Queen; of all things.

I see, hear, touch and smell things other people would never dare dream or have desire to. I am an astronaut of the information super highway; a true Renaissance lady - I was born in the wrong time. I am the jane-of-all-trades you wish you all knew so you could casually exploit my talents.

I see you. Looking at me. Thinking ghastly thoughts as you search me up and down with those terrribly creepy eyeballs. Be gone with you. I have no use for such things. I have already read you and you disgust me; judging before even one word is spoken - there are so many others just like you; you are the sickness that makes this world so blind and ignorant to change and progression...

You are the kind of person that beats your wife and probably even your children too; if not with fists, than with your bedrudging words of insignificance. You are never satisfied with what you have and are always looking for something more - a shinier piece of candy, a newer car, a crisper 100 dollar bill... you live to flash your high end everything in everybody else's face; you bragger.

But what do you have really, that I do not? - besides your material bull shit?

I sum you up too. I sum you all up. I watch you talk down to your wives... I watch your wives hit your children out of dire frustration, sans father... I watch you all pass up the homeless; "what can I do?" you askyourself.... passing him, alone and cold...

We are none perfect. But how could we be? Any of us? - perfect?

I want to ban that damned word from every book in the world. What is perfect, anyhow? No one will ever be able to give me a proper definition of the word, or use properly, even... because none of us know.

Perfect, to me is different for others... This is why "peace" will never be attainable; peace to some is the sheer riddence of certain cultures... peace to some is hippy-like crowds holding hands, singing - a mirage of tiedye from space... peace will never be attainable because of people - people like you and me; because we are of so like and unlike mind, we will never be able to reach that blessed idea of "P-E-A-C-E". A catch-22 if you will... all there is, is hope. And what is hope but an empty dream of something better? Some thing?

I am your "odd man out". I have pondered what it is to ponder... I have felt the rush of what it is to know only to have it all dissapear as soon as it came.

Nothing lasts, my pet... nothing survives what we conjure up in our minds; the shit that pollutes the world and our children's fresh little brains - in their terrible "scholastic institutions".

We kill ourselves. We are killing ourselves. We conjure up unworldly kinds of ways to do "new things" when in all truth; everything we've done has been done somewhere else, usually by someone else... someone else stronger than you, better than you, smarter than you...

there will always be "more" - there will always be something better...

but not here. Here, we must accept the fact that we are bound to this droining on and on of war and pollution; the stuff that rots your brain like the way coke rots your teeth; yet it is everywhere - this "coca cola"... and while it rots your teeth, somewhere else - someplace you can not fathom because you are a lowly human trapped in a bubble - it is used to wash blood stains from terrible highway and street accidents.

The accidents will never just "go away"... the stories we hear on the news - a pidge-podge of the over all devestation that is the world around us; a viewing... a glimpse. You and I, we, none of "us" could bare the reality of this LIFE. Never in it's true emenity; never the whole picture. NEVER.

So what makes you think you can understand me either?

***

I have the burdain of this truth of truths, hanging, if you will - on my shoulders everyday. And everyday that all of you live one more 24 hour period - well everyday more and more weight is added... I see, hear, feel and smell things... things you do not.

I am the watcher. I am the listener. I am the feeler of all emotions, great and small, mine and not mine... I smell the blood running through our rivers far before it reaches the cities - far before anyone knows of it... far before the blood is spelt. Far before the war is faught...

I see death coming. I see it's hand pick and choose who will go and who will stay.

And what matter is it of mine to say anything of it, when death has made it's choice and it is so very final. I can not bring these people back from the dead, nor can anyone else. Their physical presence will be whiped from this place - their left over body burried or cremated...

and their spirit will be free. Why should I hold this back from them? Perhaps from this new perspective, eveyone will see, hear, feel and smell what I smell... Perhaps from this new "life" they will finally understand what it is all about - or not about...

That, is what I can "hope" and pray for; that eventually, in some way people will find truth. In life, in death - in all reality and as far as "time" is considered, it is of no difference.

Life will continue with or without us, we are only speeding our own deaths and the deaths of the life around us living the way we do... if you could even call it "living" or "life", that is.

END---

and so on and so forth; a literal, BORAGE of miscellaneous, rantings and ravings...

yep, Tatian is crazy

(She writes in first, second AND third person... and intermingles them freely - like a crazy person)

***

Awe... but if she realizes this, is she "really" crazy???

***

::thinks::

***

::shrugs::

***

eh... I dunno. Is it really an issue anyways???


this random "MESS" is all in fun, isn't it??

ha.

'til tomorrow, SGland.... til tomorrow...


::rants:: i wonder how many ppl will read this?

and what shall they think of it?

I dunno that either, and I don't much care, perse... well, maybe a little...

but who i am, really, aside from the pictures you've all seen? except just another online personality? a make believe virtual something-or-other...

who knows the thruth from the fake? and who cares, really?

we are all a little crazy

MUHAHAHAHA...

::dances and skips around::

"ANYHOO...."

la la la

this has been "fun"...

I'm gonna go pretend to be normal and sane... and now you can sit and re-hash all you've read and try to make some kind of sense out of it... that is the human way...

but you won't, btw... i make it my goal to confuse the shit outta you and make you think OUTSIDE THE BOX...

take a look at OPEN BOOK again... if you can figure all the miscellaneous texts and stuff in that set, I will be most pleased - and I'll give you a BIG COOKIE!

hee hee...