tankytank

tonight was a rough night. i didn't sleep. i found out haley died around 1am and i couldn't stop crying. i wasn't gonna go wake up my mom cuz i was afraid she wouldn't quite understand. but i did around 3am....and she took it quite well. then a half hour later she came down stairs and got mad at me for not cleaning at 1. i totally flipped on her and started screaming about how my fucking friend died and that cleaning the fucking house was the least of my worries. I kicked the chair over and in the midst of that i guess i kicked her too, then my father ran in and started yelling and i yelled at him and then i tried to leave the room and he slapped me hard across the face and flung me up against the wall by my neck. That set me off. so i ran out the house and ran and ran and ran until i collapsed on the wet pavement. i could barely breath from all the running and screaming and crying so i lit up a cigarette and called BK. she helped put my head back on and got me to breath again. i was then in the industrial area where i sat in my old spot for awhile in the wet gravel. then i went to a floody, muddy construction site where i tried to make my way to the machinery but instead just got up to my knees in mud and almost lost my boots. she loved getting on those things. man. so then i just started walking...i decided it would be a good idea if i were to talk to her as if she were there. I told her everything. We walked down the train tracks as we held hands and let our bald heads get wet from then never ending rain. i told her everything she needed to hear. i let her know that it was all gonna be ok and that we were gonna go places. we could go anywhere. we kept on walking, i kept on talking. I sang her songs and recited her poems. by 5 o clock i was stumbling and made my way over to my brothers appartment in hopes that he was up. he wasn't, so i stood in the rain for a while outside his appartment. i then started moving my feet again and made it over to sarahs house and sat on her porch for awhile looking at the freemont bridge and all the busy people. but i was soaked and i was freezing, and as much as my body wanted sleep i got back up again to head back home even though it was the last place i wanted to be. i made it back at 6 and here i am now...still not having a clue of how she died, just knowning that she's gone...and the times that we were supposed to lovingly share with eachother will never be...and that is the strangest thing for me. i've never dealt with this before, so i'm taking kind of rough. she was such a good girl. this has woken me up....i must get off my ass and do something with my life, go places...i know she would want me to.
i want to get a tattoo of her on my arm so that we can travel together like we planned. if anyone is willing to try and draw something up for me i'd really appreciate it.

you knew how to rock girl.
bless your soul.

The teenage driver who survived the wreck that killed 15-year-old Haley Vanlerberg of Shawnee remained hospitalized Sunday.
Rhonda Redenbaugh of Shawnee said that her daughter Jennifer, 16, had moved out of intensive care to a private room.
According to the Kansas Highway Patrol, Jennifer Redenbaugh was driving north on Interstate 35 on Saturday afternoon when she crossed three lanes of traffic to exit onto Johnson Drive.
The vehicle left the ramp and overturned, ejecting Haley.
The girls had recently become friends and were running errands when the accident occurred, Rhonda Redenbaugh said.
Haley was a freshman at Shawnee Mission Northwest High School; Redenbaugh is a sophomore.
Counselors will be at the school today to help grieving students, school district spokeswoman Leigh Anne Neal said.
It was the second time in less than a month that a student at the school had died.
Clarissa Bergman, a senior, drowned Dec. 16 in a Lake Lotawana swimming pool.
(KC star article)

i found out it happened at four...that means she called me an hour before. She was the most alive i've ever heard her in that phone call. fuck. my little fucking sister man. best fuckin girl. i don't know what to do.


you'll always be in my heart.