she died of a "multi-drug overdose." a suicide.
sadness and heavy sighs. Every time I use my crappy little espresso machine I think of her. I see her face with it's big shit-eating grin and can hear her laugh and her low sexy voice and can only imagine what guiltdemons she invited in that last lonely night.
one of them is haunting me right now. maybe she still expected to go to germany with me. she said she would once. that was years ago and before everything. everything that was part of her that took some adjusting on my part to get used to. some things not so savory, some maybe not so healthy. so i doubt it was a silent message, cuz we hadn't seen or spoken with each other since the end of january. but my imagination gets pretty busy sometimes, and it's hard to keep it from wandering down that path. maybe things would have turned out the same for me, but sure as shit would've taken longer. i'm a far more understanding person now than before we met, and she brought out parts of me that needed bringing out. i thank her for that. i hope she got done here what she needed to or wanted to. maybe she'll be back again, maybe not so tortured next time. in a way it's like she's not really gone at all. there isn't a big empty hole. just sadness that there will be no new memories. hoping that maybe that spirit of hers was not so lonely, not so tortured at the end, hoping the adventuress in her said, "fuck this shit, I am so sick of feeling like this, so sick of trying all these different things and having none of them work i'm gonna check out being dead and see how i like that." or something similarly emboldened.
so now on to life. it's raining out, big surprise, and it's the big art hoo-haa in the hood this weekend with all kindsa groovy stuff to see and buy and do and listen to.
sadness and heavy sighs. Every time I use my crappy little espresso machine I think of her. I see her face with it's big shit-eating grin and can hear her laugh and her low sexy voice and can only imagine what guiltdemons she invited in that last lonely night.
one of them is haunting me right now. maybe she still expected to go to germany with me. she said she would once. that was years ago and before everything. everything that was part of her that took some adjusting on my part to get used to. some things not so savory, some maybe not so healthy. so i doubt it was a silent message, cuz we hadn't seen or spoken with each other since the end of january. but my imagination gets pretty busy sometimes, and it's hard to keep it from wandering down that path. maybe things would have turned out the same for me, but sure as shit would've taken longer. i'm a far more understanding person now than before we met, and she brought out parts of me that needed bringing out. i thank her for that. i hope she got done here what she needed to or wanted to. maybe she'll be back again, maybe not so tortured next time. in a way it's like she's not really gone at all. there isn't a big empty hole. just sadness that there will be no new memories. hoping that maybe that spirit of hers was not so lonely, not so tortured at the end, hoping the adventuress in her said, "fuck this shit, I am so sick of feeling like this, so sick of trying all these different things and having none of them work i'm gonna check out being dead and see how i like that." or something similarly emboldened.
so now on to life. it's raining out, big surprise, and it's the big art hoo-haa in the hood this weekend with all kindsa groovy stuff to see and buy and do and listen to.