Two days ago I found myself in a hot tub with close friends, two blocks from the beach, in a rainstorm, watching the wind lash the tops of palm trees in the distance. I started to laugh, when my friend Morgan asked me what was so funny. I told her that I was laughing because of the beauty of that moment, observing the endless wonder of the world and how truly fortunate and blessed I am in this life.
This past year turned out to be one of the most emotionally difficult that Ive experienced. Without indulging in the details, it was a year dealing with great loss, unrelenting upheavals, and abject loneliness. I became lost, confused by the surging waves of mighty storms, which, at times, seemed to threaten the seaworthiness of my ship. At times I lost faith in myself, in my ability to right this craft and find my course. Without even realizing it, I lived fearfully.
But I was also given the tools I need to heal, to regroup, to bring back my inner strength, and to confront these fears. I have been learning to trust myself again and restore faith in my abilities. I have been reminded to love myself and to forgive myself when useless feelings of guilt begin creeping in.
I have begun to understand the need to plant the seeds of growth and love and healing that may not show themselves today but lie dormant under the soil, waiting to blossom when conditions are just right. Ive begun to understand the importance of stillness in a world over-crowded with anxieties and demands and hollow promises of gratification that offer only a fleeing distraction from underlying pain. Only in that quiet stillness can I focus and understand the inner voice that offers peace.
I need to lean into my fears to understand them and overcome them. I need to lean into pain to understand it and be at peace with it. I need to lean into uncertainty because thats what life is. I need to let go of the past, because clinging to a time that no longer exists only perpetuates suffering. Despite my loneliness, I am and will always be surrounded by people, even strangers, who give to me their loving and kindness.
I apologize for such an esoteric and unspecific entry that has little context for anybody who has read this far. But for those of you whove made it here, I hope that you find something in my testament of value to you.
This past year turned out to be one of the most emotionally difficult that Ive experienced. Without indulging in the details, it was a year dealing with great loss, unrelenting upheavals, and abject loneliness. I became lost, confused by the surging waves of mighty storms, which, at times, seemed to threaten the seaworthiness of my ship. At times I lost faith in myself, in my ability to right this craft and find my course. Without even realizing it, I lived fearfully.
But I was also given the tools I need to heal, to regroup, to bring back my inner strength, and to confront these fears. I have been learning to trust myself again and restore faith in my abilities. I have been reminded to love myself and to forgive myself when useless feelings of guilt begin creeping in.
I have begun to understand the need to plant the seeds of growth and love and healing that may not show themselves today but lie dormant under the soil, waiting to blossom when conditions are just right. Ive begun to understand the importance of stillness in a world over-crowded with anxieties and demands and hollow promises of gratification that offer only a fleeing distraction from underlying pain. Only in that quiet stillness can I focus and understand the inner voice that offers peace.
I need to lean into my fears to understand them and overcome them. I need to lean into pain to understand it and be at peace with it. I need to lean into uncertainty because thats what life is. I need to let go of the past, because clinging to a time that no longer exists only perpetuates suffering. Despite my loneliness, I am and will always be surrounded by people, even strangers, who give to me their loving and kindness.
I apologize for such an esoteric and unspecific entry that has little context for anybody who has read this far. But for those of you whove made it here, I hope that you find something in my testament of value to you.
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Thank you for sharing
more than you know.
i gots lots of growing to do in 2006.
thanks for the nye text. it was nice to receive. hope your's went well.