t3chmonkey

It was the whole reason I wanted the security job.
I'd hide typing paper under my logbook and secretly spend hours just pumping out elaborate sketches while keeping one eye on the monitors.
My mind would wander into these fantasies where I'd offer digital webbing, who had just linked my site, previews of my comic strip that same way that the big boys did with their monthlies and digital webbing would be happy to have them.
While I drew pictures of me in a security get-up, my mind was drawing pictures of a stats page where the hits to the site just kept pouring in.

How stupid of me.
I just finshed the strip and I'm looking back at my in 64 granulated colors and I can't see all the work I just put into it.
it doesn't look that much different from any other strip I've drawn, which disappoints me to no end-because I put in four times the work.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And here I hit the SG boards and get all excited about a possible suicide girl comic project, offering to be part of the project and even pointing them to my site as reference material.

I want to tear it down. I want to shred every scrap of paper sitting in that bulging manilla folder inside my cheap, grey file cabinet. I can't stand what I've just done, frustrated at how it failed against how I saw it in my head.

So there's another secret SG gets because I can' say it anywhere else.
I'm frustrated and I wish I was better than I was.

But I can't let the people on my site know that. I've got a vision for them and the whole thing and in order to pull it off, I need them to believe in me, believe that I can pull it off.

So I have to hide this kind of doubt.
And I hide it here.
Shhhhhh.....