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syncope

Member Since 2006

Followers 20 Following 18

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Saturday Mar 03, 2007

Mar 3, 2007
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Cancer is evil. It preys on us without any warning signs. It'll kill you quick or slow. There's nothing worse than watching a loved one slowly die before your eyes. They're not able to move, speak or hold you. You just see a little glimpse of humanity in their eyes in those final days. You know they want to say something but they can't. Doctors are useless. They'll kill you faster than the cancer will. They have no answers, no solutions. Fuck, we've come so far in are technological advances and still our remedy for helping people with this is filling their body with the most horrific substance. It eats away everything.

I'm angry, so very angry. I'm am not who I used to be. You will not find me full of joy and excitement about life. I have no one to blame. I pretend everyday like I'm happy. I want to rip the cancer from my father's body and pulverize it with my fists.There are so many things left to do, now is a terrible time. I don't dare speaks these words because I'm afraid the feelings will consume me. I want to yell at people, make them feel a percent of what I go through everytime I see his skeletal frame. There's is no end in sight, why must he suffer. This infliction brings out so much regret in my life. People I have wronged, people who wronged me, things I wanted to do but was too fucking scared to do it.

Where is my girl? The one who will hold me when the time comes. She's supposed to comfort me, make me feel good about myself and laugh a little. She's not here, no where in sight. Again, I don't dare speak these words. I'm the strong one in the family. I'm supposed to be the one people go to for listening, support. Who will help me? One day this will be over, the suffering will end. Grief and acceptance will set in. Maybe I can feel better inside, a little peace. For now, I sit and wait.

After all the amazing experiences in life, we succumb to death and let it take us away from the people we love. If I could, I would exchange places with him. Let him feel the sun on his face again, hike up a hill, swim in the warm ocean if only for a day. He lived a wonderful life. I have wasted mine. It should be his.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
pogmothoin:
I checked out your page because I like what you wrote about Slayer- sorry to hear about what you're going through. I've been through it also and I know there's NOTHING I can say that'll make things seem to have some kind of fucking sense.

You don't know me from Adam but if you need some perspective, advice, or whatever, drop me a message.

Mar 5, 2007
alyssum:
I completely feel for you, I had much the same thoughts when my brother was slowly wasting away. He fought so hard, he accomplished so much in his short life, while mine was very much being frittered away for lack of my own courage and motivation. I can't really tell you how it came out, I don't think it's particularly relevant to this situation. But really, all that pain and being strong and living in limbo...it became a very beautiful thing in the end. I feel privileged to have been related to someone like him, to go through that with him. I would not have missed a minute of it for anything.

You're bendy, right? You can totally fit in my carry-on. wink
Mar 5, 2007

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