Just when you think my hands have fallen off from typing so much.. BAM!!! Another blog entry!!!! this one is long, and very... well.... it's not full of dumb shit like it usually is.... I'm pouring my very weird thoughts out here. Grab a cup and drink up if you think you can handle it.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I think I've finally lost it.
Not only do I have a crush on the guy, I'm willing to drive nearly 300 miles to go visit him for just two days.
I don't think he realizes how totally uncharacteristic this is of me. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. A truly troubling thing, considering the fact that I ALWAYS have my reasons for everything. I wish I could explain this impulsive choice to go on such a long trip, but I can't. I'm honestly just sick of sitting here going through the day to day motions.
Work.
Sleep
Work.
Sleep
Ever since I graduated earlier this month it's been the same old shit every day. I thought being done with college, done with school all together, would be a wonderful weight off my shoulders. But it has unfortunately made the days monotonous and to put it simply. Hell.
I live for those exhilarating and spontaneous moments, and I'm very sad to say that I haven't experienced much of that lately. So I guess this is just my way of escaping the drudgery of the day to day. I used to resort to drugs in order to get some rush, some relief from the ordinary life. I'm over that.
I am literally starving to death. I'm hungering for a new life, a new love, a new everything. I absolutely love where I live, and as much as I would love to move or just be a roaming gnome (thank you Travelocity), I know that I can't do that. My health is still something that is a big problem in my life. I am going to be starting a new treatment soon, one that involves doing self-injections every two weeks. As daunting as that sounds, it is far better than the alternative: going to the hospital and sitting in a cold, vacant room by myself for three hours with a needle in my arm. I've done that for over two years. But this new treatment is giving me some hope of independence.
I see myself staying here for quite some time. Which is a great thing, but I still yearn to travel. Get out of the Midwest. Away from everything I know. I moved 100 miles from my hometown, all by myself. Madison is a huge town compared to the small speck of dust I once called home. I used to have to drive nearly an hour to get to mall, and now there is one right down the street. Crazy! What I'm getting at is this: I moved here all by myself, and as scary as it was, I was totally in love with the experience from the beginning. And as wonderful as it was, and as much as I would love to experience that again, in a new town, I know I can't. Not now. In the future, yes. YES. Yes this simple small town girl will get out of this place and find a new life again. And hopefully I won't have to make the transition myself. I honestly dream of the day I'll have to deal with moving boxes and packing and unpacking countless belongings, deciding if we should keep my couch or his. (Who is he? No one now but someday I'll find out) I know it would be stressful and all that, but I don't care. I'll go through a million arguments and demanding nights if it means I'll find him.
~Nepenthe~
You will eventually find someone probably when you give up looking that is the way it worked for me.
While a new love is such a promising thing, you should maybe look in to why you crave it so much. I've read about you sabotaging yourself many times, and each time the same element in each story is you. Is it a fear of being alone that grips you, or the need for human contact? If you know what you're searching for it would be easier to find. Taking each relationship as it goes and finding what you did or did not like is one way to go, but is a very hurtful trip through self discovery.
Come to California sometime and see how you like the feel. Being near the ocean is a wonderful place to be when you want to feel free. Where you can see to the end of the world and your mind has the possibility to be unrestricted to dream.
...I think I love water too much.