Okay, I haven't updated since the weekend because I just couldn't think of anything positive to say and even I was tired of being such a downer.
Somewhere I have found the strength to be okay again. My biggest issue with this stupid relationship has been ego. I just cannot get that someone who was obviously into me just suddenly was not into me any more. Of course this brought on a whole slew of insecurities about what is wrong with me. And, in light of the fact that this guy really doesn't have it all together, it shocked me that HE would even consider dumping ME. The irony of this is that a guy that doesn't have it all together is probably the one who is most likely to dump you. I brag so much about being a student of the male ego and wanting to preserve it and all that ... but I guess no matter how enlightened I might be, I'm still a chick and I still have uniquely feminine ways of dealing with things.
Like I didn't understand that while his life was falling apart, he wasn't feeling much like a man. If my life is falling apart, I want someone to be there for me, to hold me, to stroke my hair and make things a little more bearable. The quality of my relationships dictates the level of my perceived success in life. For a man, it's quite different. If his life is falling apart, he doesn't feel very successful. And now I'm unhappy, too, wanting more of his time ... time that needs to be spent figuring out how to fix things. He needs space, and I see this as rejection. Everytime I look at him like he has disappointed me yet again, I have made him feel more like a failure. I'm just trying to be there, to be helpful, to support my man. He sees it like I don't trust his ability to take care of himself. Men and women are just so different.
Anyway, I took him about 40 boxes last night so he could pack and move out of the place where he was being evicted. I said I would help pack, and I showed up at 6 PM, and again at 9 PM, and again at 11 PM. He didn't manage to get home to pack until after midnight. Once there, he didn't seem to know what I needed to do to help. I could have forced the issue and tried to be "perfect" and get everything done for him ... but I knew what he was secretly thinking. He was thinking ... I don't have time to entertain her right now and I am going to disappoint her again. So you know what? I kissed him goodbye and left. If he really wanted my help, he would have come home 6 hours earlier. I didn't want to get in his way and I didn't want to develop any resentments of my own. Now me, if I were packing and I needed help and my friend was bailing ... I'd be pissed. But that brings us back to the difference between men and women again, I suppose. He was so grateful that I was removing the pressure that he was almost giddy. Somehow I didn't take it personally.
On my way out, he asked if I wanted "custody" of "our" bong. I said sure, why not, you can never have too many bongs and this one is really pretty cool. And then he said he would have to come and visit it every day. I smiled and told him I would like that.
Lo and behold, he called me this afternoon. This is the first time he has called me (except maybe to return a call) since last week. And the call last week was after he hadn't heard from me in a few days. So maybe all he really does need is space. He asked how his bong was doing and I told him that it missed him.
Now I admit, his call today did bring up just a smidgeon of insecurity again. He told me he completely moved out last night. I asked where he was staying now and he said everywhere, nowhere. I mean, no matter how much trouble we were having, I knew I could show up at his pad and he would probably talk to me. Now I'll never be able to *force* myself on him again ... not that I want to be with a dude that I have to force myself on, but it's nice having the option if you need it, I suppose. He kept me on the phone for 15 minutes, probably our longest call ever. He didn't say a word about seeing me or coming by ... and neither did I ... but I wish he had. Still, for the first time in 3 weeks, I didn't take it personally. I didn't feel like he is not seeing me because he doesn't want to. He is just all fucked up right now. I hope someday he is back to himself, that he can laugh again, and that he wants to hold me as much as I want to hold him. If not, I guess we remain friends and only time will tell what that really means.
Anyway, for anything that has come between us and caused this split, I blame myself. I don't do this in a self-deprecating manner. I don't think I'm a bad person or something lame like that. But at the same time, if I ever want something different in my life, I better understand where my culpability lies.
1. I received the treatment that I did because I allowed it. I cannot make anyone do anything that they don't want to do, but if I choose to stay and accept poor treatment, that is completely on me.
2. I allowed another person, flaws and all, to dictate how I was going to feel about my own self-worth. Shame on me!
3. I moved too quickly in this relationship. It wasn't the turbo speed of some of my (sick) friends, but I let him mean too much, too fast ... just because it felt good. I should not have been so wrapped around the axle over a guy that I dated for just 2 months.
4. If I want a sane, predictable relationship, I should not choose a drug addict in active addiction. It's not like I haven't traveled this path before. I admit I am attracted to the dark side and to men that are a little fucked up. That's okay, but I have to understand what that means. I'm not going to save/convert anyone. I knew the risks before I took the job. If it looks like a duck, and it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck ... it's probably a duck.
So that is my whole learning lesson from the last 3 days. I hope I can keep it up.
Now, in the meantime, any suggestions about what to do to keep myself busy and not regress back into ... "I need Jeff to fix me" mode? It basically breaks down to this: When I wake up tomorrow, I want a smile on my face and not an upset stomach. I want to wake up tomorrow morning liking myself and liking him and liking humanity in general. I know this is within my power because it is my normal state of mind. But taking care of myself does not always come naturally to me. Help?
Love to you,
Suzy
Somewhere I have found the strength to be okay again. My biggest issue with this stupid relationship has been ego. I just cannot get that someone who was obviously into me just suddenly was not into me any more. Of course this brought on a whole slew of insecurities about what is wrong with me. And, in light of the fact that this guy really doesn't have it all together, it shocked me that HE would even consider dumping ME. The irony of this is that a guy that doesn't have it all together is probably the one who is most likely to dump you. I brag so much about being a student of the male ego and wanting to preserve it and all that ... but I guess no matter how enlightened I might be, I'm still a chick and I still have uniquely feminine ways of dealing with things.
Like I didn't understand that while his life was falling apart, he wasn't feeling much like a man. If my life is falling apart, I want someone to be there for me, to hold me, to stroke my hair and make things a little more bearable. The quality of my relationships dictates the level of my perceived success in life. For a man, it's quite different. If his life is falling apart, he doesn't feel very successful. And now I'm unhappy, too, wanting more of his time ... time that needs to be spent figuring out how to fix things. He needs space, and I see this as rejection. Everytime I look at him like he has disappointed me yet again, I have made him feel more like a failure. I'm just trying to be there, to be helpful, to support my man. He sees it like I don't trust his ability to take care of himself. Men and women are just so different.
Anyway, I took him about 40 boxes last night so he could pack and move out of the place where he was being evicted. I said I would help pack, and I showed up at 6 PM, and again at 9 PM, and again at 11 PM. He didn't manage to get home to pack until after midnight. Once there, he didn't seem to know what I needed to do to help. I could have forced the issue and tried to be "perfect" and get everything done for him ... but I knew what he was secretly thinking. He was thinking ... I don't have time to entertain her right now and I am going to disappoint her again. So you know what? I kissed him goodbye and left. If he really wanted my help, he would have come home 6 hours earlier. I didn't want to get in his way and I didn't want to develop any resentments of my own. Now me, if I were packing and I needed help and my friend was bailing ... I'd be pissed. But that brings us back to the difference between men and women again, I suppose. He was so grateful that I was removing the pressure that he was almost giddy. Somehow I didn't take it personally.
On my way out, he asked if I wanted "custody" of "our" bong. I said sure, why not, you can never have too many bongs and this one is really pretty cool. And then he said he would have to come and visit it every day. I smiled and told him I would like that.
Lo and behold, he called me this afternoon. This is the first time he has called me (except maybe to return a call) since last week. And the call last week was after he hadn't heard from me in a few days. So maybe all he really does need is space. He asked how his bong was doing and I told him that it missed him.
Now I admit, his call today did bring up just a smidgeon of insecurity again. He told me he completely moved out last night. I asked where he was staying now and he said everywhere, nowhere. I mean, no matter how much trouble we were having, I knew I could show up at his pad and he would probably talk to me. Now I'll never be able to *force* myself on him again ... not that I want to be with a dude that I have to force myself on, but it's nice having the option if you need it, I suppose. He kept me on the phone for 15 minutes, probably our longest call ever. He didn't say a word about seeing me or coming by ... and neither did I ... but I wish he had. Still, for the first time in 3 weeks, I didn't take it personally. I didn't feel like he is not seeing me because he doesn't want to. He is just all fucked up right now. I hope someday he is back to himself, that he can laugh again, and that he wants to hold me as much as I want to hold him. If not, I guess we remain friends and only time will tell what that really means.
Anyway, for anything that has come between us and caused this split, I blame myself. I don't do this in a self-deprecating manner. I don't think I'm a bad person or something lame like that. But at the same time, if I ever want something different in my life, I better understand where my culpability lies.
1. I received the treatment that I did because I allowed it. I cannot make anyone do anything that they don't want to do, but if I choose to stay and accept poor treatment, that is completely on me.
2. I allowed another person, flaws and all, to dictate how I was going to feel about my own self-worth. Shame on me!
3. I moved too quickly in this relationship. It wasn't the turbo speed of some of my (sick) friends, but I let him mean too much, too fast ... just because it felt good. I should not have been so wrapped around the axle over a guy that I dated for just 2 months.
4. If I want a sane, predictable relationship, I should not choose a drug addict in active addiction. It's not like I haven't traveled this path before. I admit I am attracted to the dark side and to men that are a little fucked up. That's okay, but I have to understand what that means. I'm not going to save/convert anyone. I knew the risks before I took the job. If it looks like a duck, and it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck ... it's probably a duck.
So that is my whole learning lesson from the last 3 days. I hope I can keep it up.
Now, in the meantime, any suggestions about what to do to keep myself busy and not regress back into ... "I need Jeff to fix me" mode? It basically breaks down to this: When I wake up tomorrow, I want a smile on my face and not an upset stomach. I want to wake up tomorrow morning liking myself and liking him and liking humanity in general. I know this is within my power because it is my normal state of mind. But taking care of myself does not always come naturally to me. Help?
Love to you,
Suzy
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
And say, how you feeling about this relationship right now?
Hope Your doing good!
Mo