It Was 100 Days Ago Today...
I was getting up and getting ready for work. I had my last cup of Mike's coffee. He was good at making coffee, btw, and he used to bring it to me in bed every morning. May 22nd was no exception.
Daron was still in school and I was trying to get him to school on time. I didn't think that there was any real reason to stop and savor those last few moments, but I did feel a little sadness at the door when I thought about our nice weekend together because I was going to miss him. We kissed goodbye at the door. I said, "I miss you already!" He said, "I miss you, too!"
But I was excited, too! He would be back on Friday and we would leave to go on vacation for a week. The last time we had been on vacation was such a wonderful time together and I thought the week with him in paradise would help us reconnect. It had been a stressful couple of months. He had just started a new job and I don't think he felt like he should go on vacation, but he said he would. I had paid for everything this time because he did last time. I had even saved over $1500 in cash to just spent. I wanted us to have a fabulous time. I wanted to spoil him, like he had always spoiled me.
As I walked out the door he said he loved me and he would see me on Friday. I smiled and hugged him one last time.
I should have known something was wrong. I tried to call an hour or two later to ask him about something, but there was no answer on his phone. It just rang and rang. I left a message asking him to call when he heard the message.
But he never heard the message. Because when I came home from work that night, he was gone. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but I was expecting his stuff to be there. I went upstairs and found his closet empty. There was a note on the bed that said there were just "too many holes in the fence." It was laying next to his keys, his cell phone and his credit cards. There was also a check for the next month's rent, his credit card bill and a little extra.
And that was it. My life just ended that day.
Except it doesn't end. As much as I try to will myself to death, I still wake up every morning. I don't throw up any more, like I did every morning the first month or so that he was gone, but I still wake up crying more often than not. I roll over. He's not there. No one brings me coffee. There is no sexy hairy chest to snuggle my face into and strong arms to hold me tight. There is no one saying, "Good morning, Beauty." He used to call me Beauty. I never understood why, but he said it was because I was beautiful.
What did I miss?
I still feel like such an asshole. How did I drive away the man of my dreams? This wasn't just "some guy." He was "the one." Now he won't even talk to me. He later took his phone again, which I'm still paying for, but he hasn't turned it on about 6 weeks. I'm sure by now he has another phone, but of course I don't know the number. And what good would it do to call it if I did? He would answer, be reasonably friendly, and then say ... "Suzy, it's not going to happen. I'm never coming back."
When he was later trying to explain himself, he said our relationship was like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole. He said you could force it to fit, but it wasn't meant to be. Funny, I thought he fit like your favorite pair of comfortable shoes. He must have been lying to me for a long time. I just don't buy that he made the decision while he was taking his clothes out of the dryer that morning, 100 days ago. That's what he said. But I didn't detect it. I felt some distance and I didn't like it, but never suspected that he didn't love me any more or that he wasn't coming back. I never thought he'd leave. He had said over and over and over again in the course of our relationship that it would take a restraining order to make him leave. In fact, the first time he ever said it to me was February 25, 2005, as a comment in this very journal. I had only met him the night before. And I thought that was cute. I'm not a restraining order kinda gal, so I figured it meant I was stuck wth him.
Everyone says that one day I'll meet someone else. Everyone says that in time I'll feel better. Everyone says all sorts of uncomplimentary things about him, but other than the way he left, he was the best guy I was ever with. He loved me, he spoiled me and he never let me down. He never yelled at me (okay, not never, but I could count the times on one hand), he never retaliated, he never ran around. I thought he never lied. Was he perfect? No, far from it. Was he perfect for me? I really did think so. And yet, he couldn't make the same claims about me. I'm sure I didn't treat him better than any other woman. He could never say I didn't let him down or yell at him or retaliate. Why didn't I treasure him when I had the chance?
There's really no "point" to this journal either, other than to encourage you to hold those that you love close to your heart. I read so many journals and stuff where people complain about their significant others and I would give anything I have on this earth to have mine back, if only to exasperate me. The stupid shit just doesn't matter. It doesn't.
Love to you,
~Suzy
I was getting up and getting ready for work. I had my last cup of Mike's coffee. He was good at making coffee, btw, and he used to bring it to me in bed every morning. May 22nd was no exception.
Daron was still in school and I was trying to get him to school on time. I didn't think that there was any real reason to stop and savor those last few moments, but I did feel a little sadness at the door when I thought about our nice weekend together because I was going to miss him. We kissed goodbye at the door. I said, "I miss you already!" He said, "I miss you, too!"
But I was excited, too! He would be back on Friday and we would leave to go on vacation for a week. The last time we had been on vacation was such a wonderful time together and I thought the week with him in paradise would help us reconnect. It had been a stressful couple of months. He had just started a new job and I don't think he felt like he should go on vacation, but he said he would. I had paid for everything this time because he did last time. I had even saved over $1500 in cash to just spent. I wanted us to have a fabulous time. I wanted to spoil him, like he had always spoiled me.
As I walked out the door he said he loved me and he would see me on Friday. I smiled and hugged him one last time.
I should have known something was wrong. I tried to call an hour or two later to ask him about something, but there was no answer on his phone. It just rang and rang. I left a message asking him to call when he heard the message.
But he never heard the message. Because when I came home from work that night, he was gone. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but I was expecting his stuff to be there. I went upstairs and found his closet empty. There was a note on the bed that said there were just "too many holes in the fence." It was laying next to his keys, his cell phone and his credit cards. There was also a check for the next month's rent, his credit card bill and a little extra.
And that was it. My life just ended that day.
Except it doesn't end. As much as I try to will myself to death, I still wake up every morning. I don't throw up any more, like I did every morning the first month or so that he was gone, but I still wake up crying more often than not. I roll over. He's not there. No one brings me coffee. There is no sexy hairy chest to snuggle my face into and strong arms to hold me tight. There is no one saying, "Good morning, Beauty." He used to call me Beauty. I never understood why, but he said it was because I was beautiful.
What did I miss?
I still feel like such an asshole. How did I drive away the man of my dreams? This wasn't just "some guy." He was "the one." Now he won't even talk to me. He later took his phone again, which I'm still paying for, but he hasn't turned it on about 6 weeks. I'm sure by now he has another phone, but of course I don't know the number. And what good would it do to call it if I did? He would answer, be reasonably friendly, and then say ... "Suzy, it's not going to happen. I'm never coming back."
When he was later trying to explain himself, he said our relationship was like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole. He said you could force it to fit, but it wasn't meant to be. Funny, I thought he fit like your favorite pair of comfortable shoes. He must have been lying to me for a long time. I just don't buy that he made the decision while he was taking his clothes out of the dryer that morning, 100 days ago. That's what he said. But I didn't detect it. I felt some distance and I didn't like it, but never suspected that he didn't love me any more or that he wasn't coming back. I never thought he'd leave. He had said over and over and over again in the course of our relationship that it would take a restraining order to make him leave. In fact, the first time he ever said it to me was February 25, 2005, as a comment in this very journal. I had only met him the night before. And I thought that was cute. I'm not a restraining order kinda gal, so I figured it meant I was stuck wth him.
Everyone says that one day I'll meet someone else. Everyone says that in time I'll feel better. Everyone says all sorts of uncomplimentary things about him, but other than the way he left, he was the best guy I was ever with. He loved me, he spoiled me and he never let me down. He never yelled at me (okay, not never, but I could count the times on one hand), he never retaliated, he never ran around. I thought he never lied. Was he perfect? No, far from it. Was he perfect for me? I really did think so. And yet, he couldn't make the same claims about me. I'm sure I didn't treat him better than any other woman. He could never say I didn't let him down or yell at him or retaliate. Why didn't I treasure him when I had the chance?
There's really no "point" to this journal either, other than to encourage you to hold those that you love close to your heart. I read so many journals and stuff where people complain about their significant others and I would give anything I have on this earth to have mine back, if only to exasperate me. The stupid shit just doesn't matter. It doesn't.
Love to you,
~Suzy
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
There is a point to what you did write.
You do not have to forget your peronal history but stop counting the days or each day will become a link of a chain that will tie to never more for eternity!
But - you are a beautiful, wise woman who has freely given me so much support and love over the past few weeks. That is a gift and I appreicate all you've said. Sharing about your loves and what has happened - it is so painful becuase I identify with so much of it. I don't have words of wisdom - I don't want to offer the "you'll find someone - he's an asshole" because what he did sucked - who he was (and is) to you doesn't suck. You love him and it fucking hurts.
When I was 16, my dad left my mum. He never told me he was leaving - just left. He never told my mum he was gone for good - he just told her he needed time and space. My mum was in and out of recovery and she fell apart. I mean had a complete nervous breakdown. But, she learned to focus on herself, went to meetings, and learned to truly love the woman she is. She told me - that was the first time in over 20 years she had been out of a relationship - and that it was one of the best periods of growth for her. She also gave me a bit of wisdom - the woman that walked in the halls - would not choose the same man she chose a few years later. I don't know if that makes sense, but I know identify with that - I stayed single for almost two years, the man I am getting involved with - is not the same man I have always chosen. I always joke I dated the same man for 20 years - but with a different name each time. So - I had to get own to a few core truths about me before I could move on and make different choices. It is so amazing to know that today I can choose the man I want in my life, I no longer have to wait to be "chosen" - perhaps this is a gift to you - time for just you. Not everyone can stick around while we implode and relationships sometimes become wreckage of our pasts. I am so sad that this has happened - I don't want to tell you to focus on the positive - or to look for the meaning. I grieved for a long time - it takes as long as it takes to do that. You are grieving and my heart goes out to you...
P.S. My mum ended up marrying an amazing man in 91 - they are still happy, married, and both sober over 20 years...So - there's hope (my mum was also 43 when she re-married an he's her 3rd hubby - so....there's hope!)