superspy24

There were days when my most significant desire was to die. I once, very slowly, pushed a knife more than an inch into my chest. I wanted to experience all that the blade did as it passed closer to my heart. I remember the sharpness, the pronounced pain, of the beats of my heart pounding the blade back ... but it didnt feel right. It seemed wrong to do it myself. I often wished that the slick rain soaked streets and highways of washington would send me another vehicle to tear away my life. I even convinced a psychologist that if we can ever appreciate the death of a hero or martyr then we must in turn validate that there are some things that are worth giving up your life for. In my case it was because I had lost many freedoms to the bullshit laws of the army and I had lost nearly everyone I loved. It is so hard to see so many you know turn their back on you. Especially when you trusted them with all your soul. It wasn't a world i wanted to live in.
Ultimately I couldnt do it. Heres why. The first is written deeply into our psyche. The reflex of self preservation. If this wasn't within us then the species would have died off long ago. The next reason is because one person, my roommate Mike Walsh. He was very active in being there for me. He forced food down my throat after I hadnt eaten in more than four days. When I was saturating myself with alcohol to dull the memories of what hurt so bad he watched over me. The next thing that rescued me was a plethora of alcohol. I know its said that its a bad thing for the depressed and I wish I hadnt used it so much because it dulled my mind and kept me from the harsh pain. That was the only time in my life that I dodged what was going on by medicating myself. This is the part of my survival that I regret. This last thing that "saved" me was the feeling that I was meant to experience this pain. Death would be neglecting my responsibility. I owed it to those who hurt me. I owed it to myself. I was the one worth leaving. I was the acceptable sacrifice to their damned God. And I wouldnt let Him, or them consume me.
There are so many things that people live for. Some are worth living for. Some are really worth devoting our existence to. These days its my son. Unfortunately there are many things lived for that are killing us. Some things we devote ourselves to are removing what is divine about being human. Those days that nearly killed me still bring a somber tone to me when those memories cross with my everyday life. (Like when I see my best friend Jayson so deeply in love with Ashley. I had that. Loosing it nearly birthed my apocalypse.) At last I survived. I feel that I am so much less than I was before those events brought me low. I abandoned allot of those things, those ideas that are not worth living for. I died and they didnt stay with me in my grave. When I crawled out of that pit I was changed, more hollow, more founded in a solid ethic. "Only after disaster can we be resurrected." "It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." it seems weak to use the "infallible" entertainment media to quote what I have found to be truth, but it fit.
I am not preaching that everyone must experience what I had so that they can become a better person. Its a pain I wouldnt wish on anyone. However I would wish that people would consider that they have put to much value on what is worthless. And they could really live great by living for what has its own value. Use your heart, it knows more than you realize and once you have listened to your heart use your mind to measure the knowledge. Do something worth while. Thats life, everything else isnt.