superkitty

Her eyes are unreachable to me, shrouded by sunglasses, black and impervious like the tinting on a limo window and you desperately need to see who's inside. "How's it going," "Oh, you're pregnant again, congratulations," "how's school", "what's been up" - random meeting, small pleasantries, general agreement on issues big and small. Except for the one big issue, the elephant in the room, the one making my knees knock together, the big ugly stupid lie I told to save my pride and it didn't work anyways...what's really going on here? Me trying to keep the pain out of my voice, a hurt little child, so stupid and so weak. Where did I go wrong. "When and why did I stop being good enough for her?" the shaking in my voice seems to say, and she knows the whole time with those dark glasses on, she knows keeping a steady composure, she knows everything, but she cannot possibly know how low I feel but she has the information, confidences have been shared and understanding is hers and it lies like a vast chasm between us, the idiotic mess I've gotten myself into now and there's no going back now and why don't you just take her ice pick of a heart and stab me in the chest with it, i've had enough of this torture, I give up, tell her to call me, tell her to hold me, tell her to accept my stupid gift and tell her to understand that what I want she has and I'm jealous and I'm greedy and my heart is so empty all the love in the universe couldn't fill it up halfway and i'll never be good enough and i'll never be good to myself and i'll never be good, ever, at anything that matters and she knows it, and I know she knows she knows it, and all this is like a telegram straight out from my heart, through my mind and out my mouth and she can't receive it, hidden as she is behind those thick black glasses.