To set the scene, let us take judicial notice of a few facts:
1) I, Subrosa, am a Militant Agnostic. I don't know what's out there, and neither do you. I firmly believe this.
2) I am not much for prayers. (See #1, supra)
3) I am, however, big on the San Francisco Giants. Like BIG big. Like Unrealistically Big big.
4) I ain't too proud to beg.
With these facts established, let's review the historical record.
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PRAYER #1
April 3, 2006
Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Before you decide, in your infinite noodly wisdom, to shuffle me off this mortal coil, I have but one humble request. All other requests I've ever made should be considered null and void if you see it fit to grant this one:
Yours,
~Clint
-The Deity
Meaty, noodly, delicious.
-The Result
2006 San Francisco Giants: 76 wins, 85 losses. Third Place NL West, 11.5 games out of first.
-Reasons for Hope?
Slim. The Giants are atrociously mediocre. Everyone on the team is actively terrible except for the dude who is also the greatest hitter of all time. SF spends their first round pick on some 5'10, 165 pound pitcher out of Washington with a funny delivery and a weed addiction.
-2006 Verdict
FAIL. I become officially convinced that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not a real, actual thing. (Probably)
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-PRAYER #2
April 2, 2007.
Dear Vishnu
Before you decide, in your infinite multi-armed wisdom, to shuffle me off this mortal coil, I have but one humble request. All other requests I've ever made should be considered null and void if you see it fit to grant this one:
Yours,
~Clint
-The Deity
Bats: Right. Throws: Right, right, right, left, right, left, left and left.
-The Result
2007 San Francisco Giants: 71 wins, 91 losses. Last Place, NL West, 19 games out of first.
-Reasons for Hope?
Well, Barry Bonds broke the all-time home run record without ANY HELP FROM ANY CHEMICAL SUBSTANCE WHATSOEVER. Oh, and that little stoner kid pitcher they drafted played a little bit. But he'll never make it, naturally, because he's too small.
-2007 Verdict
FAIL. Indian Gods clearly only care about cricket.
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-PRAYER #3
March 29, 2008.
Dear Angel Moroni,
Before you decide, in your infinite Golden Plate-burying-and-then-finding wisdom, to shuffle me off this mortal coil, I have but one humble request. All other requests I've ever made should be considered null and void should you see it fit to grant this one:
-The Deity.
-The Result
2008 San Francisco Giants: 70 wins, 92 losses. Fourth Place, NL West.
-Reasons for Hope?
Aforementioned stoner pitcher guy wins the Cy Young Award for being awesome. Also, the Giants draft some feller by the name of Gerald Demp Posey, III. His mother calls him Buster. Beyond that, everything is terrible. I blame Jose Castillo.
-The Verdict
FAIL. Never pray to a Mormon while drunk.
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-PRAYER #4
April 4, 2009.
Dear Zeus,
Before you decide, in your infinite killing-random-people-with-thunderbolts-for-inane-and-stupid-things wisdom, to shuffle me off this mortal coil, I have but one humble request. All other requests I've ever made should be considered null and void should you see it fit to grant this one:
-The Deity
Wilson's beard is better. Just sayin'.
-The Result
2009 San Francisco Giants: 88 wins, 74 losses. Third Place, NL West.
-Reasons for Hope?
Stoner kid wins another Cy Young, just because. On the other hand, Bengie Molina is the cleanup hitter. So, you know, shit could be better.
-The Verdict
FAIL. Praying to a Greek God on behalf of a team called "The Giants" probably wasn't the best idea, to be honest.
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-PRAYER #5
April 4, 2010.
Dear Cthulhu,
Before you decide, in your infinite and terrifying malevolence, to shuffle me off this mortal coil, I have but one humble request. All other requests I've ever made should be considered null and void should you see it fit to grant this one:
-The Deity
-The Result
2010 San Francisco Giants: 92 wins, 70 losses. First place, NL West. Also:
-The Verdict
Um. The San Francisco Giants won the World Series. "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," In other words: WIN. WIN. WIN.
-The Lesson
When in doubt, Root For Evil.
(It works for Yankees fans, after all.)
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In a few days, courtesy Timmy, I'll be heading to see the Giants raise a World Championship Banner raised here:
I'll be able to see it with my own eyes. And yes, it will mean much, much more to me than it reasonably should.
