Good grief, am I exhausted.
Apologies, like usual, to anyone who reads this or wonders why I've seemingly dropped out of society. I have to wonder how people can manage hectic lives- like my uncle who works two jobs, has four kids (three of them married off in one year's span, and his family had to plan and finance two of them), just earned a bachelor's degree with a GPA of 3.8 or so, and maintains a loving marriage and clean/neat household- when my one-job/part-time-school/seeing-a-girl-once-a-week life seems about as densely packed as it can get.
Anyway.
An emotionally-overcharged, time-compressed, very, very good week just ended. Probably, this isn't a good time for me to try to recount everything, but I just woke up, and I need to dump a little of my brain into my journal so that I can make room for the studying I need to do.
This is going to be an incredibly long post, with nothing of interest unless you're me. You can pretend this is the end of the journal entry if you wish. If you want to know how overly analytic a guy can get, though...
...
Commence boring "this is how my week went" post now, roughly in chronological order:
Bekki finally called me back... well, my machine. Let me know something I'd actually just read about myself, that a co-founder of Atari and the inventor of the original Pong was giving a speech at IUPUI on Tuesday. We've played phone tag off and on throughout the week, no successful contact yet. I love that she thought immediately of me when she found out about Al Alcorn's speech, and that she wanted me to know... I want to find out how she's doing with the new fiancee, and kind of want to have her meet Heather F someday.
...I did actually go to that speech. Mr. Alcorn was a fun and candid guy, with an obvious chip on his shoulder about the Ralph Baer who-invented-video-games-first controversy. Alcorn's very much in the Russell "Space War" camp. It was a speech meant for a high-level Informatics class, but open to the public; you could tell by the reactions (and later questions) of the audience members who were parts of the class and who were enthusiasts of video game history. Guess where I fell in. I actually took notes of his speech, and would like to contact him eventually to flesh some things out. I think he could write a good book, or at least give an in-depth interview... Got an interesting bit of insight to where the 400/800/XL/XE line fell in relation to the Apple II.
There was an autograph session after the speech. I resisted the urge to haul my Pong system out of its box, but in the hopes of an autograph, I'd brought along a copy of Video Olympics, the Pong cartridge for the 2600. So, I happily stood in line, and whaddya know, the guy in front of me had his original Telegames Pong unit out, and everyone was gushing about it. Damn.
Ran into Jolene while waiting in line; she recognized me immediately, and things were a little weird. An initial mutual crush years ago that devolved into her just thinking I was a dork and disappearing, and there we were, together in line to meet the guy who designed Pong. Wait- she was in line to meet him? I guess I wasn't the only dork. Didn't feel the little pang/knife-twist-in-the-heart I sometimes feel when I see someone I used to like. Just... indifference.
Long talk with Heather F. on the phone after the speech, and late to work like usual. The new manager John is not getting on my good side; he was in a panic during the hour I was late, despite the fact that my division of the store is not under his control, and I had pre-arranged my being late with my own set of managers days before. (Actually, my "schedule" in the pharmacy is laissez-faire. It's expected that I show up Sunday night through Thursday night and get my work done- timing is up to me, as long as it's done before the pharmacy opens.) He was trying to send people over to do my work, and had told three people they'd each need to spend a few hours in my department just doing my freight- which took me 20 minutes to accomplish. People told him that my schedule's erratic because of school (heh), which he said was "unacceptable." Well. Guess I'll have to be one of those corporate guys that I hate, and pull out an organizational chart and demonstrate to him why he should just act like my part of the store doesn't exist.
A+ on the portfolio for logic class. Sally tried to flirt with me a bit in the class, which was awkward. All I could think of was getting home to talk to Heather F again. Managed to screw up the in-class survey thing for Prof. Rogers, though... proving my incompetence every once in a while.
Went on a date Friday evening, after a short nap. Met Heather F at Circle Center to see Sin City (finally) at 6:30 pm... and I got home from the date at 7:30 pm Saturday evening. 24+ hour date. A new record.
The movie was good, though awkward as a date movie. I was warned away because of the violence (especially violence to genitals), but it turned out to be the nudity and gratuitous T/A shots that made me cringe. Nothing bad, mind you, but... Anyway, those were the fault of Frank Miller, not Robert Rodriguez- I guess showing that perhaps comics still have a way to go, maturity-wise.
Good Italian dinner, and we closed another restaurant. Running about 67% on outlasting patrons and employees, and having restaurants close down as we continue to eat and talk.
Her place for the rest of the date, a good 20+ hours... just spending time together, talking and holding each other. Hit a bit of an impasse perhaps 12 hours in. Both of us putting a lot of symbolic pressure and emotion on finally kissing each other, the psychological dilemma of really meeting each other face-to-face for the first time, the problem of two people timid about being initiators, and always having been the passive one when it came to that sort of thing.
A bit of fear on her part that our feelings were perhaps unequal, that I had more invested emotionally... Perhaps. I'd like to think we're more level than that, but I've also had that feeling for a while. It's not a bad thing, though- I'm not expecting her to be a miracle, my salvation; I really like her, but half of my giddiness is that I have a glimpse of faith and hope again. If things fall apart eventually, I think we're both mature enough to break cleanly, and I'll continue to know that it's possible for there to exist women like her. A bit of sober discussion in the middle of everything; I think things were eased, if not completely cleared up. The impasse was okay- it meant that we were both being serious about the consequences of our actions, and mindful of the consequences for the other, as well.
Broke the impasse a while later, when I was actually trying to psyche myself up to go rescue my car from the parking garage that had housed it for almost a full day. I'm not sure which one of us crossed the line- it almost seemed to be a simultaneous thing- but it was crossed and I ended up staying another few hours as pent-up feelings finally poured through the breach we'd just created. Realized midway through that perhaps the breach would have been better to break the evening before, when I was clean shaven; kissing me was akin to kissing sandpaper.
Still tried to remain the gentleman, but it was rather difficult to keep my hands in safe places. A bit of temptation to see how far things could go, but... I don't want to take things too far. Slow is better than fast, and I want to keep the intellectual and physical parts of this relationship growing and changing at the same rates.
It was a shame that we'd spent so long to get to that point; it had been over a full day with no sleep, no eating at that point for 19 hours... between the excitements, I was beginning to nod off. Had to get home eventually, feed the cat, fall into a coma. Fear of a huge garage fee subsided when I got my day-old ticket validated on a walk-through of Circle Center and got out for free (or the price of a Coke, really). The drive home was terrifying, though. Realized that I was so tired as to be a dangerous driver- like a drunk driver, without the alcohol. Drove slowly and deliberately, began to nod off about a block from home, but made it safely. A few messages waiting when I got upstairs; another attempt from Bekki, one from Rayna (that was fun- she called midafternoon Saturday, and her opening line was "C'mon, I know your date couldn't have lasted this long...")... no call-backs, though; it was all I could do to get my shoes off before collapsing.
Unconscious for 12 hours, and I'm wake now, not wanting to study. Finals this week in both classes, and I don't really care. A lot of thinking about the date that "just" ended. Part of me is wondering how things would have gone with Heather had we been more rested, I wonder how things will go when we see each other next time. I wonder about her fears about the inequities in how we've approached this. We're both serious, but I know she's not anxious to wholly commit herself to someone quite yet. How do we try to get closer, yet keep that bit of distance so that she feels safe enough to call it to halt if she gets overwhelmed?
...
I've been married before; I've had that long drama of watching "true" love decay into apathy. I don't have illusions any more of a perfect relationship, and never hold hope that someone is "the one" perfect person.
I like who she is right now- I like the sides of her that she's let me see. There's not much else to it, really, but in my attempts to reassure her that I'm not expecting her to be anyone but herself, she feels that I've put her on a pedestal, and that she can't live up to that "ideal." What a way for it to backfire. I laud the things she thinks are ordinary, and the lauding makes her think that I've lost sight of who she is. I think we might have cleared this bit up, at least a little, but for a while I believe it might continue to be a problem. It's going to be hard to convince her I'm a realist, but that I still really like her.
The one thing I think I can rightfully idealize about her, though: I think she's the first person to ever just accept me for who I am. Granted, the person I am now is probably a bit more acceptable than the person I've been in the past, but... it is a welcome change to have someone like me without criticism.
Apologies, like usual, to anyone who reads this or wonders why I've seemingly dropped out of society. I have to wonder how people can manage hectic lives- like my uncle who works two jobs, has four kids (three of them married off in one year's span, and his family had to plan and finance two of them), just earned a bachelor's degree with a GPA of 3.8 or so, and maintains a loving marriage and clean/neat household- when my one-job/part-time-school/seeing-a-girl-once-a-week life seems about as densely packed as it can get.
Anyway.
An emotionally-overcharged, time-compressed, very, very good week just ended. Probably, this isn't a good time for me to try to recount everything, but I just woke up, and I need to dump a little of my brain into my journal so that I can make room for the studying I need to do.
This is going to be an incredibly long post, with nothing of interest unless you're me. You can pretend this is the end of the journal entry if you wish. If you want to know how overly analytic a guy can get, though...
...
Commence boring "this is how my week went" post now, roughly in chronological order:
Bekki finally called me back... well, my machine. Let me know something I'd actually just read about myself, that a co-founder of Atari and the inventor of the original Pong was giving a speech at IUPUI on Tuesday. We've played phone tag off and on throughout the week, no successful contact yet. I love that she thought immediately of me when she found out about Al Alcorn's speech, and that she wanted me to know... I want to find out how she's doing with the new fiancee, and kind of want to have her meet Heather F someday.
...I did actually go to that speech. Mr. Alcorn was a fun and candid guy, with an obvious chip on his shoulder about the Ralph Baer who-invented-video-games-first controversy. Alcorn's very much in the Russell "Space War" camp. It was a speech meant for a high-level Informatics class, but open to the public; you could tell by the reactions (and later questions) of the audience members who were parts of the class and who were enthusiasts of video game history. Guess where I fell in. I actually took notes of his speech, and would like to contact him eventually to flesh some things out. I think he could write a good book, or at least give an in-depth interview... Got an interesting bit of insight to where the 400/800/XL/XE line fell in relation to the Apple II.
There was an autograph session after the speech. I resisted the urge to haul my Pong system out of its box, but in the hopes of an autograph, I'd brought along a copy of Video Olympics, the Pong cartridge for the 2600. So, I happily stood in line, and whaddya know, the guy in front of me had his original Telegames Pong unit out, and everyone was gushing about it. Damn.
Ran into Jolene while waiting in line; she recognized me immediately, and things were a little weird. An initial mutual crush years ago that devolved into her just thinking I was a dork and disappearing, and there we were, together in line to meet the guy who designed Pong. Wait- she was in line to meet him? I guess I wasn't the only dork. Didn't feel the little pang/knife-twist-in-the-heart I sometimes feel when I see someone I used to like. Just... indifference.
Long talk with Heather F. on the phone after the speech, and late to work like usual. The new manager John is not getting on my good side; he was in a panic during the hour I was late, despite the fact that my division of the store is not under his control, and I had pre-arranged my being late with my own set of managers days before. (Actually, my "schedule" in the pharmacy is laissez-faire. It's expected that I show up Sunday night through Thursday night and get my work done- timing is up to me, as long as it's done before the pharmacy opens.) He was trying to send people over to do my work, and had told three people they'd each need to spend a few hours in my department just doing my freight- which took me 20 minutes to accomplish. People told him that my schedule's erratic because of school (heh), which he said was "unacceptable." Well. Guess I'll have to be one of those corporate guys that I hate, and pull out an organizational chart and demonstrate to him why he should just act like my part of the store doesn't exist.
A+ on the portfolio for logic class. Sally tried to flirt with me a bit in the class, which was awkward. All I could think of was getting home to talk to Heather F again. Managed to screw up the in-class survey thing for Prof. Rogers, though... proving my incompetence every once in a while.
Went on a date Friday evening, after a short nap. Met Heather F at Circle Center to see Sin City (finally) at 6:30 pm... and I got home from the date at 7:30 pm Saturday evening. 24+ hour date. A new record.
The movie was good, though awkward as a date movie. I was warned away because of the violence (especially violence to genitals), but it turned out to be the nudity and gratuitous T/A shots that made me cringe. Nothing bad, mind you, but... Anyway, those were the fault of Frank Miller, not Robert Rodriguez- I guess showing that perhaps comics still have a way to go, maturity-wise.
Good Italian dinner, and we closed another restaurant. Running about 67% on outlasting patrons and employees, and having restaurants close down as we continue to eat and talk.
Her place for the rest of the date, a good 20+ hours... just spending time together, talking and holding each other. Hit a bit of an impasse perhaps 12 hours in. Both of us putting a lot of symbolic pressure and emotion on finally kissing each other, the psychological dilemma of really meeting each other face-to-face for the first time, the problem of two people timid about being initiators, and always having been the passive one when it came to that sort of thing.
A bit of fear on her part that our feelings were perhaps unequal, that I had more invested emotionally... Perhaps. I'd like to think we're more level than that, but I've also had that feeling for a while. It's not a bad thing, though- I'm not expecting her to be a miracle, my salvation; I really like her, but half of my giddiness is that I have a glimpse of faith and hope again. If things fall apart eventually, I think we're both mature enough to break cleanly, and I'll continue to know that it's possible for there to exist women like her. A bit of sober discussion in the middle of everything; I think things were eased, if not completely cleared up. The impasse was okay- it meant that we were both being serious about the consequences of our actions, and mindful of the consequences for the other, as well.
Broke the impasse a while later, when I was actually trying to psyche myself up to go rescue my car from the parking garage that had housed it for almost a full day. I'm not sure which one of us crossed the line- it almost seemed to be a simultaneous thing- but it was crossed and I ended up staying another few hours as pent-up feelings finally poured through the breach we'd just created. Realized midway through that perhaps the breach would have been better to break the evening before, when I was clean shaven; kissing me was akin to kissing sandpaper.
Still tried to remain the gentleman, but it was rather difficult to keep my hands in safe places. A bit of temptation to see how far things could go, but... I don't want to take things too far. Slow is better than fast, and I want to keep the intellectual and physical parts of this relationship growing and changing at the same rates.
It was a shame that we'd spent so long to get to that point; it had been over a full day with no sleep, no eating at that point for 19 hours... between the excitements, I was beginning to nod off. Had to get home eventually, feed the cat, fall into a coma. Fear of a huge garage fee subsided when I got my day-old ticket validated on a walk-through of Circle Center and got out for free (or the price of a Coke, really). The drive home was terrifying, though. Realized that I was so tired as to be a dangerous driver- like a drunk driver, without the alcohol. Drove slowly and deliberately, began to nod off about a block from home, but made it safely. A few messages waiting when I got upstairs; another attempt from Bekki, one from Rayna (that was fun- she called midafternoon Saturday, and her opening line was "C'mon, I know your date couldn't have lasted this long...")... no call-backs, though; it was all I could do to get my shoes off before collapsing.
Unconscious for 12 hours, and I'm wake now, not wanting to study. Finals this week in both classes, and I don't really care. A lot of thinking about the date that "just" ended. Part of me is wondering how things would have gone with Heather had we been more rested, I wonder how things will go when we see each other next time. I wonder about her fears about the inequities in how we've approached this. We're both serious, but I know she's not anxious to wholly commit herself to someone quite yet. How do we try to get closer, yet keep that bit of distance so that she feels safe enough to call it to halt if she gets overwhelmed?
...
I've been married before; I've had that long drama of watching "true" love decay into apathy. I don't have illusions any more of a perfect relationship, and never hold hope that someone is "the one" perfect person.
I like who she is right now- I like the sides of her that she's let me see. There's not much else to it, really, but in my attempts to reassure her that I'm not expecting her to be anyone but herself, she feels that I've put her on a pedestal, and that she can't live up to that "ideal." What a way for it to backfire. I laud the things she thinks are ordinary, and the lauding makes her think that I've lost sight of who she is. I think we might have cleared this bit up, at least a little, but for a while I believe it might continue to be a problem. It's going to be hard to convince her I'm a realist, but that I still really like her.
The one thing I think I can rightfully idealize about her, though: I think she's the first person to ever just accept me for who I am. Granted, the person I am now is probably a bit more acceptable than the person I've been in the past, but... it is a welcome change to have someone like me without criticism.
b57913:
jholtsnider:
How'd Diff Eq go?