Well, if anyone thought my break-up-with-Stephanie-era journal posts were overly long/rambling, I apologize for the dj vu here. At least this isn't break-up-type whining.
...
Had an extended talk with Heather last night (late to work in the process). Turns out some of my early misgivings about class differences were accurate, though not quite in the way I'd suspected.
Her coworkers and friends aren't too keen on the idea of her dating me. I'm a lower class prole, evidently, and they're shocked at her for liking someone with so many flaws as me. No degree, working at Wal-Mart (*shudder*), divorced, etc. I'm sure there's more. I do believe that one coworker even thinks it unacceptable that I live on the south side of Indianapolis.
I took all of that in, finding it both funny and frustrating. Funny because, to be honest, her coworkers hardly form any sort of aristocracy. They're well-off by Indiana standards, but face it, well off in Indy = dirt-poor in NYC or LA. They're not landed gentry, they're not in the Social Register; they're people who went to school before I did, and have generally had cushy lives, but who would probably not make it outside of this region. And frustrating because, well, it's not just one or two people around her encouraging her to give me up. It's all of her friends, apparently her family. Everyone in her life except for her out-of-state friend, who thinks it sounds great. Frustrating because she'd expected a bit of support and/or open-mindedness from her colleagues, and is being mocked, talked-down to, and lectured.
She's been told that I'm a golddigger, who will ruin her financially. She's been told that I'm a social climber. She's been told that I'm white trash. Worthless. She's got no evidence to prove that I'm not, and has to take me at my word and trust her intuition. Granted, the people criticizing me don't know me, but then she doesn't know me well, either. And, frankly, their warnings are worthwhile since people are generally untrustworthy. I'm just not most people.
So, she's needed time to think. Re-think. And, at the end... she still wants to go out with me. I hope that she keeps that attitude, that she can take the cold shoulder she will surely receive by being in my company. And I hope I can carry that bit of weight on my shoulders, knowing that I'm adversely affecting her relationships...
I'm pleased by the fact that she chose to think, however. She didn't blindly choose me, didn't blindly choose to listen to her friends. Reasoning. So rare.
I do feel like I'm a character in a John Hughes romantic comedy, though.
...
It's so odd to be criticized for perceived failings in regards to my life, because I am damn proud of where I am now. I have a lot of self-esteem issues, but Christ, I know of no one that could have pulled themselves in life as far up as I have. Could any of her coworkers have managed to overcome homelessness to end up with a 4.0 while earning a degree in one of the most difficult and abstract sciences? Somehow I doubt it- not without parents to bail them out. Not only am I smarter, but I work harder, and know how to survive... sometimes with only determination.
And, fuck, I'm no golddigger, and my job's not something of which to be ashamed. I've kept this job for over a decade so that I could get to a point where I could maintain self-sufficiency while going to school. If I wanted to be a golddigger, I'd have married for money or sponged off of my mom.
A good thing: a lot of what has propelled me in the last few years has been the idea that I'm fighting against the perceptions a few people have held of me over the years- dead stepdad, ex-wife, whomever- that I was never going to amount to anything. That's waned, though, as I've come to terms with my divorce, come to terms with Allen after his death. This unwarranted criticism, pure and brazen snobbery and class conflict... oh yeah. They just gave me a new set of perceptions that I can actively fight against.
Woo-hoo, I feel so Marxist.
...
My logic professor asked me last night if I'd be interested in teaching a supplementary class to this fall's logic class. Those enrolled in logic in fall would be required to attend her class (lecture) and then attend my class (lab/review)- I guess our class has shown a few problems in the current set-up, where tangential debates derail her lesson plans and cut into practice, which has hurt most student's grades come test time.
Told her I was interested, though I'd have to see at what time it would be planned for...
So (brag) yet another department at school asking me to teach. Flattering.
...
Had an extended talk with Heather last night (late to work in the process). Turns out some of my early misgivings about class differences were accurate, though not quite in the way I'd suspected.
Her coworkers and friends aren't too keen on the idea of her dating me. I'm a lower class prole, evidently, and they're shocked at her for liking someone with so many flaws as me. No degree, working at Wal-Mart (*shudder*), divorced, etc. I'm sure there's more. I do believe that one coworker even thinks it unacceptable that I live on the south side of Indianapolis.
I took all of that in, finding it both funny and frustrating. Funny because, to be honest, her coworkers hardly form any sort of aristocracy. They're well-off by Indiana standards, but face it, well off in Indy = dirt-poor in NYC or LA. They're not landed gentry, they're not in the Social Register; they're people who went to school before I did, and have generally had cushy lives, but who would probably not make it outside of this region. And frustrating because, well, it's not just one or two people around her encouraging her to give me up. It's all of her friends, apparently her family. Everyone in her life except for her out-of-state friend, who thinks it sounds great. Frustrating because she'd expected a bit of support and/or open-mindedness from her colleagues, and is being mocked, talked-down to, and lectured.
She's been told that I'm a golddigger, who will ruin her financially. She's been told that I'm a social climber. She's been told that I'm white trash. Worthless. She's got no evidence to prove that I'm not, and has to take me at my word and trust her intuition. Granted, the people criticizing me don't know me, but then she doesn't know me well, either. And, frankly, their warnings are worthwhile since people are generally untrustworthy. I'm just not most people.
So, she's needed time to think. Re-think. And, at the end... she still wants to go out with me. I hope that she keeps that attitude, that she can take the cold shoulder she will surely receive by being in my company. And I hope I can carry that bit of weight on my shoulders, knowing that I'm adversely affecting her relationships...
I'm pleased by the fact that she chose to think, however. She didn't blindly choose me, didn't blindly choose to listen to her friends. Reasoning. So rare.
I do feel like I'm a character in a John Hughes romantic comedy, though.
...
It's so odd to be criticized for perceived failings in regards to my life, because I am damn proud of where I am now. I have a lot of self-esteem issues, but Christ, I know of no one that could have pulled themselves in life as far up as I have. Could any of her coworkers have managed to overcome homelessness to end up with a 4.0 while earning a degree in one of the most difficult and abstract sciences? Somehow I doubt it- not without parents to bail them out. Not only am I smarter, but I work harder, and know how to survive... sometimes with only determination.
And, fuck, I'm no golddigger, and my job's not something of which to be ashamed. I've kept this job for over a decade so that I could get to a point where I could maintain self-sufficiency while going to school. If I wanted to be a golddigger, I'd have married for money or sponged off of my mom.
A good thing: a lot of what has propelled me in the last few years has been the idea that I'm fighting against the perceptions a few people have held of me over the years- dead stepdad, ex-wife, whomever- that I was never going to amount to anything. That's waned, though, as I've come to terms with my divorce, come to terms with Allen after his death. This unwarranted criticism, pure and brazen snobbery and class conflict... oh yeah. They just gave me a new set of perceptions that I can actively fight against.
Woo-hoo, I feel so Marxist.
...
My logic professor asked me last night if I'd be interested in teaching a supplementary class to this fall's logic class. Those enrolled in logic in fall would be required to attend her class (lecture) and then attend my class (lab/review)- I guess our class has shown a few problems in the current set-up, where tangential debates derail her lesson plans and cut into practice, which has hurt most student's grades come test time.
Told her I was interested, though I'd have to see at what time it would be planned for...
So (brag) yet another department at school asking me to teach. Flattering.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
octoberseven:
What Firefly said.
kalidoom:
WE ARE DANCE MACHINES!