Another post of disjointed ramblings. Sorry if you're the kind of person who takes the time to read these things, since I'm sure the few readable nuggets tend to be buried in pages of crap. One thing I've never promised is that I'd be entertaining.
...
I wonder what it means when a finger mysteriously swells up and stiffens several times over the course of a couple of weeks, is stiff/unbendable, and turns purple. Whatever it means, my middle finger on my right hand is going through it-- making writing and typing fun, and making it look as though I'm flipping people off at all times. It doesn't hurt, oddly enough, so it's not a break (which is what everyone who's seen the finger immediately guesses).
I suppose I could go to a doctor, but I'm loath to seek treatment (and spend money) on something that seems inconsequential. But, I feel hypocritical in not seeking treatment, since I've always bugged Heather (and others) on taking care of themselves. Dilemma, dilemma.
Speaking of Heather-- there has been no speaking now, for over two months. Utterly frustrating. I have no idea how to interpret this silence (though I know how others believe I should interpret it); I don't know whether to chalk it up to her utter exhaustion from work, "the silent treatment" which she's explicitly said she gives people when she's angry with them, or a passive-aggressive attempt to end the relationship.
I don't really speak about the situation regarding her (or lack thereof) with friends any more. The usual advice has been to call it quits, move on, etc. "Date other people!" Or great advice like "you should talk to her!" when I've been unable to actually get ahold of her for months on end. The thing is... when we have gotten to talk during this long sabbatical of hers, there still has seemed to be some kind of "connection." And, I did tell her I'd wait for her. I meant it, too (and still mean it), but I'm also tired of being strung along with no clear idea of when/if the waiting would be over. Surely in all of this time she could have-- should have-- penciled me in somewhere.
I still take her at her word that, if she ever wanted "out," she'd say so. That's the primary reason I haven't given up. I just hope she was being truthful then, and still holds that idea now. So I wait, and remain alone.
And in the mean time, I cling to stupid, petty bits of flirtation as proof that I'm acceptable, even if not to her. Friends and acquaintances club me in the head, though, for passing up on the flirtations. Last night Tony asked if I'd consider going out with that girl I'd talked with at Waffle House (and from the way that was asked, apparently she and Tony had mutually decided this was a good idea), and I realized that things look different from the outside than from here. She was nice and all, and the flirtation was nice... but my frustration then was more with the ill-defined status I have with Heather than with any desire to be single to go out with this girl. Frustration with the fact that I'm being pegged as single by friends, which makes me wonder if she's been pegged as single herself. Or if she considers herself single again, without really letting me know.
I'm afraid my frustration has looked like a champing-at-the-bit, straining-at-the-bonds thing, where I just want to be free to sow my wild oats and all that. Quite the opposite, really.
Anyway. I'm being that emo boy even I hate. I know the advice of friends that I've ignored is sound advice, and I'd probably want to smack someone else who was doing the same thing I am. But. *shrug* I still want Heather, and since she hasn't explicitly shut the relationship down, I cling to the hope of being with her again.
...
School's "meh" so far. The mentoring is so-so this semester, with mostly good students, but (as usual) a single student who's making me rue the day I signed up to do this crap. She's spent the last three weeks angrily blaming everyone (myself, the professor, the other students in the class) but herself for her lack of understanding. She lacks even the most basic study skills-- she can't strategically take notes, instead frantically writing every single thing said in class or session, regardless of its applicability or importance, writing notes over other notes, in the margins and over the text in her book, etc.; she can't read for comprehension; she can't even understand basic things such as "Homework: Page 200, Section I, questions 2, 3, and 4," (when faced with such a homework assignment once, it took nearly 20 minutes to clarify for her that she didn't need to do all 40 problems on page 200... just questions 2, 3, and 4 from section I). The professor has even suggested that she be pulled out of mentoring, since she's gotten disruptive-- something that was never suggested for prior problem students.
Both math classes are also "meh." The chaotic dynamics course is much duller than I anticipated-- the prof spent an hour and a half attempting, and failing, to show a geometric proof that had nothing to do with the content of the class. The analysis class is a little more interesting, but would be more bearable if there wasn't an eager puppy-dog of a student in the class who literally pumps his fist in the air with glee when we learn a concept, shouts "YES!" when we go to a new chapter, mutters "This is awesome!" when we're given a handout, applauds the prof when a proof is completed, etc. It's so over the top that, if I didn't already know this kid, I'd assume he's doing it as a joke. He's not. Dude really loves his math, and it underscores why I haven't, say, joined the math club. Because I'd have to kill him if I were to interact with him in my off-time, and that wouldn't endear me to the math club.
(Scary omen for the future: I went to Waffle House on lunch break a few days ago to get some alone time and study. The short-order cook handed me my waffle, asked what I was studying, then said "Oh yeah? Cool! I got a degree in applied math, and did my master's thesis on ring theory." He then went back to the grill to "cover and smother" some hash browns. :surreal
Oddly enough, the research class I was dreading looks to be the most interesting part of this semester-- the open-endedness of the class is allowing me to flex my creativity a little bit, developing a section for the training manual on dealing with non-traditional students of various sorts (older, those with lapses in education, and first-generation students). I also (finally) feel like I'm a little more integral to the mentoring program; I'm a newer mentor than anyone else in this class, but I'm still in the first group to be doing any of this stuff, and the research is going to be integrated into the program in the future-- I finally feel like a peer, instead of an outsider being lumped in with a smaller core under the mentoring umbrella.
...
I wonder what it means when a finger mysteriously swells up and stiffens several times over the course of a couple of weeks, is stiff/unbendable, and turns purple. Whatever it means, my middle finger on my right hand is going through it-- making writing and typing fun, and making it look as though I'm flipping people off at all times. It doesn't hurt, oddly enough, so it's not a break (which is what everyone who's seen the finger immediately guesses).
I suppose I could go to a doctor, but I'm loath to seek treatment (and spend money) on something that seems inconsequential. But, I feel hypocritical in not seeking treatment, since I've always bugged Heather (and others) on taking care of themselves. Dilemma, dilemma.
Speaking of Heather-- there has been no speaking now, for over two months. Utterly frustrating. I have no idea how to interpret this silence (though I know how others believe I should interpret it); I don't know whether to chalk it up to her utter exhaustion from work, "the silent treatment" which she's explicitly said she gives people when she's angry with them, or a passive-aggressive attempt to end the relationship.
I don't really speak about the situation regarding her (or lack thereof) with friends any more. The usual advice has been to call it quits, move on, etc. "Date other people!" Or great advice like "you should talk to her!" when I've been unable to actually get ahold of her for months on end. The thing is... when we have gotten to talk during this long sabbatical of hers, there still has seemed to be some kind of "connection." And, I did tell her I'd wait for her. I meant it, too (and still mean it), but I'm also tired of being strung along with no clear idea of when/if the waiting would be over. Surely in all of this time she could have-- should have-- penciled me in somewhere.
I still take her at her word that, if she ever wanted "out," she'd say so. That's the primary reason I haven't given up. I just hope she was being truthful then, and still holds that idea now. So I wait, and remain alone.
And in the mean time, I cling to stupid, petty bits of flirtation as proof that I'm acceptable, even if not to her. Friends and acquaintances club me in the head, though, for passing up on the flirtations. Last night Tony asked if I'd consider going out with that girl I'd talked with at Waffle House (and from the way that was asked, apparently she and Tony had mutually decided this was a good idea), and I realized that things look different from the outside than from here. She was nice and all, and the flirtation was nice... but my frustration then was more with the ill-defined status I have with Heather than with any desire to be single to go out with this girl. Frustration with the fact that I'm being pegged as single by friends, which makes me wonder if she's been pegged as single herself. Or if she considers herself single again, without really letting me know.
I'm afraid my frustration has looked like a champing-at-the-bit, straining-at-the-bonds thing, where I just want to be free to sow my wild oats and all that. Quite the opposite, really.
Anyway. I'm being that emo boy even I hate. I know the advice of friends that I've ignored is sound advice, and I'd probably want to smack someone else who was doing the same thing I am. But. *shrug* I still want Heather, and since she hasn't explicitly shut the relationship down, I cling to the hope of being with her again.
...
School's "meh" so far. The mentoring is so-so this semester, with mostly good students, but (as usual) a single student who's making me rue the day I signed up to do this crap. She's spent the last three weeks angrily blaming everyone (myself, the professor, the other students in the class) but herself for her lack of understanding. She lacks even the most basic study skills-- she can't strategically take notes, instead frantically writing every single thing said in class or session, regardless of its applicability or importance, writing notes over other notes, in the margins and over the text in her book, etc.; she can't read for comprehension; she can't even understand basic things such as "Homework: Page 200, Section I, questions 2, 3, and 4," (when faced with such a homework assignment once, it took nearly 20 minutes to clarify for her that she didn't need to do all 40 problems on page 200... just questions 2, 3, and 4 from section I). The professor has even suggested that she be pulled out of mentoring, since she's gotten disruptive-- something that was never suggested for prior problem students.
Both math classes are also "meh." The chaotic dynamics course is much duller than I anticipated-- the prof spent an hour and a half attempting, and failing, to show a geometric proof that had nothing to do with the content of the class. The analysis class is a little more interesting, but would be more bearable if there wasn't an eager puppy-dog of a student in the class who literally pumps his fist in the air with glee when we learn a concept, shouts "YES!" when we go to a new chapter, mutters "This is awesome!" when we're given a handout, applauds the prof when a proof is completed, etc. It's so over the top that, if I didn't already know this kid, I'd assume he's doing it as a joke. He's not. Dude really loves his math, and it underscores why I haven't, say, joined the math club. Because I'd have to kill him if I were to interact with him in my off-time, and that wouldn't endear me to the math club.
(Scary omen for the future: I went to Waffle House on lunch break a few days ago to get some alone time and study. The short-order cook handed me my waffle, asked what I was studying, then said "Oh yeah? Cool! I got a degree in applied math, and did my master's thesis on ring theory." He then went back to the grill to "cover and smother" some hash browns. :surreal
Oddly enough, the research class I was dreading looks to be the most interesting part of this semester-- the open-endedness of the class is allowing me to flex my creativity a little bit, developing a section for the training manual on dealing with non-traditional students of various sorts (older, those with lapses in education, and first-generation students). I also (finally) feel like I'm a little more integral to the mentoring program; I'm a newer mentor than anyone else in this class, but I'm still in the first group to be doing any of this stuff, and the research is going to be integrated into the program in the future-- I finally feel like a peer, instead of an outsider being lumped in with a smaller core under the mentoring umbrella.