So, I went out dancing tonight. A fun night out. A frustrating night out. Something to make me think about what, exactly, I'm doing with my life right now.
I won't go into the background story of my relationship with my girlfriend; it'd take too long, and it's too easy to misinterpret. Suffice it to say that I'm frustrated with the lack of movement, and wish she'd focus on me once in a while.
Anyway. The last year or so, every time I've gone out dancing, I've been shown positive attention from women-- intimate dancing, phone numbers, the like; normally a good thing for a lonely boy, but awkward for a shy person who has a girlfriend; I have no idea what I'm supposed to do when they're obviously interested, and I just want to dance with no strings attached. They're beautiful and I'm attracted to them, yes, but that's as far as it goes... I don't want to lead them on, so I act a little stand-offish, which disappoints them, and then I'm without a dance partner.
Yes, I'm complaining about having women hit on me.
I've found over the last few months that I enjoy the attention. I don't know what to do with it once I've got it, but I like seeing a pretty girl and then having her approach me, grab my arm, put herself into me. I realize that I'm getting attention from them in lieu of attention from "her." I want the attention. I'm really torn about it-- I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong, and feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
What I want: I want her attention, I want her to publicly be with me. I want personal attention, I want a smile and closeness, I want someone willing to put herself up against me and enjoy it for a little while...
...and I'm getting all of this every damn weekend that I leave the house, but not from my girlfriend. I know long-term that the g/f is trustworthy, dependable, loving, loveable, and so exactly the partner I want to have. But short-term, I want the fleeting attraction and attention.
I think I understand now some of my ex-wife's decisions. And I wish at times that my morals were such that I could enjoy some of the offers coming my way without guilt.
I won't go into the background story of my relationship with my girlfriend; it'd take too long, and it's too easy to misinterpret. Suffice it to say that I'm frustrated with the lack of movement, and wish she'd focus on me once in a while.
Anyway. The last year or so, every time I've gone out dancing, I've been shown positive attention from women-- intimate dancing, phone numbers, the like; normally a good thing for a lonely boy, but awkward for a shy person who has a girlfriend; I have no idea what I'm supposed to do when they're obviously interested, and I just want to dance with no strings attached. They're beautiful and I'm attracted to them, yes, but that's as far as it goes... I don't want to lead them on, so I act a little stand-offish, which disappoints them, and then I'm without a dance partner.
Yes, I'm complaining about having women hit on me.
I've found over the last few months that I enjoy the attention. I don't know what to do with it once I've got it, but I like seeing a pretty girl and then having her approach me, grab my arm, put herself into me. I realize that I'm getting attention from them in lieu of attention from "her." I want the attention. I'm really torn about it-- I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong, and feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
What I want: I want her attention, I want her to publicly be with me. I want personal attention, I want a smile and closeness, I want someone willing to put herself up against me and enjoy it for a little while...
...and I'm getting all of this every damn weekend that I leave the house, but not from my girlfriend. I know long-term that the g/f is trustworthy, dependable, loving, loveable, and so exactly the partner I want to have. But short-term, I want the fleeting attraction and attention.
I think I understand now some of my ex-wife's decisions. And I wish at times that my morals were such that I could enjoy some of the offers coming my way without guilt.