strider57

In retrospect and with the passage of time I guess it was the final straw. One last tragic event in a series of bad mistakes, or perhaps learning processes I had to go through to get to a point in my life that I suspect most less fortunate than I've been reached long before my enlightenment?

I don't know how I should feel about it? For a guy that grew up dirt poor and hailed from a pretty fucked up family situation, things just always seemed to go my way. Defying the odds and logic, I never really experienced failure. I always got the girls I wanted with virtually no effort and I've had a very successful business career. I've had the opportunity to travel all over the country and all over the world doing and experiencing things most people will never see or do in their lives.

I didn't completely take all that for granted over the years. At some level I knew I was l living a life far beyond my high school guidance counselor's expectations, but despite the handicaps of my childhood, or perhaps because of them, I was always driven to suceed and never doubted my ability to do so!!

I've thought about that and perhaps that was the missing piece from achieving the level of "completeness" men should strive for on their path of life...humility. If there was anything in short supply in my life, that was it!! I simply could not imagine any situation I couldn't master, or any goal I couldn't achieve!!

That level of confidence didn't pass quickly or go down without a fight! Without a doubt, the transition started when my marriage of 21 years ended, but even in that situation there really didn't seem to be a down side. My wife and I parted on good terms and remained the best of friends until she died. For me, it was simply a new path to follow and I attacked it like I had every other challenge that ever presented itself. Truthfully, I saw it as a way to make up for lost time. I had remained true during my marriage, but like I suspect most men who marry young, I was eager to get back out into the single life. The world was my playground where women grew on trees and I was determined to pick all the fruit available. For the first couple of years that's exactly what I did. My bedroom might as well have had a revolving door on it as I availed myself to the seemingly endless supply of women eager for a piece of my life.

However, over time that lifestyle grew old and I wanted something more fulfilling. Thus starts the lesson!! Over the next five years there were four women I could see myself having something significant with. There were any number I also just hit and forgot during that time, but there were four that mattered. It didn't work out with any of them, but not due to lack of effort on my part. If anything, I tried too hard. But still, even though they moved on to end up with other men, the first three still maintained their friendship with me, and they're still around in my life today. They would all tell you what a great guy I am and that they love me, but for whatever reason, I wasn't the guy they wanted to be with forever. In those situations, I guess I justified and rationalized the outcome, because they were still around. After all, as long as they were still around, there was always hope that they might come back, and I would have been good with anyone of them in my life.

Once again, I didn't see those situations as failures, they were more like works in progress and to be perfectly honest, I still kind of feel the same way. Who knows what the future holds? It's said that those that failed to learn are doomed to relive thier mistakes, but I guess you'd have to recognize and acknowledge your mistakes to learn from them and up until last year I hadn't reached that point. No, I was still cock sure of myself and confident that the world was my playground.

I had known her a long time, several years in fact, but I had never considered her as anymore than a friend. We seemed to develop this cycle wherein she would hook up with some loser who always ended up treating her like dirt and when it ended I'd get a call because she needed a shoulder to cry on. I was okay with that. She seemed to be a good person that life has just dealt a very shitty hand, and perhaps due to my upbringing I've always had a soft place in my heart for those less fortunate than I am. Her latest cycle came full circle in October of 2008 and I got the call. We went out to dinner, and I listened as she poured her heart out as she had other times over the years. It was the same story I had heard before, just a different guy. I really don't know how it happened, but this time seemed different. This time we started spending lots of time together and I found myself really enjoying the time I spent with her.

She really was an amazing girl, smart, funny, and drop-dead beautiful. At that time, I had purposely slowed my roll alot. Tired of one night stands and all the drama attached with having women constantly all up your life. I was happily living my life completely unattached and perhaps that's what made me vulnerable? Although at some level I might be a hopeless romantic, I'm not stupid!! I really wasn't looking for anything from her, but damn if she just didn't make me feel like I was on top of the world!!

Even as I felt these feelings developing I fought them tooth and toenail!! Logic hadn't completely abandoned me!! I knew she was just coming out of bad relationship, and I knew I was most probably just a lifeline to her. I told myself that constantly, but then there were the things she told me. She seemed to say and do all the right things to make me feel like I really mattered in her life and as the months progressed I let my guard down and started to believe she was sincere.

In the end she wasn't sincere, and as is always the case, my gut feelings had been right. No matter what she said, she didn't really mean it and then she was gone. I took it hard, harder than I've ever been hurt in my entire life. I climbed into a bottle for the next 9 months, just sort of wandering through life everyday. I drank myself into obvlion just about every night and often acted like an insufferable prick to my friends. I stopped socalizing, stopped going out and locked myself away into a state of virtual seclusion. I tried to keep up a good front for those around in my everyday life, but I was dying inside!!

It's said that time heals all wounds and I guess it's true, because a year has passed and I'm doing okay now. I haven't had a drink in weeks and I've finally found peace with the situation. ultimately, it was my mistake and for the first time in my life I guess I've reached the point where I can acknowledge that. I went through a wide range of emotions regarding my feelings about her over the last year mostly focued on disappointment, bitterness, rage and perhaps even hate, but those emotions were just justifications. I guess it's just basic human nature, or perhaps some kind of defense mechanism to blame others for your issues. With the benefit of hindsight, I can accept now that I saw from her what I wanted to see and ignored what I didn't. Yeah sure, she did say all those things about how much I meant to her, but her actions didn't always bear out her words...an inconvient truth I often chose to ignore at the time.

What came out of the situation was the understanding that I'm all good with my life as it is. I guess when you go through a very tough emotional time you end up taking a hard look inside and finding parts of your persona you might not have ever really recognized. I don't "need" anyone in my life to make me "complete," I am complete as I am. Hemmingway said "Most men lead lives of quite desperation" and I think that might be true for certain times in a man's life, but not true for life as a whole. I think it is those times of desperation that force a man to rise up and become more than he was before. A year has passed and like the heat of the flame that tempers the steel, I came through that very tough time stronger than I've ever been.

There is a belief that everything happens for a reason to which I've generally always subscribed. Although the last year was a very dark period in my life, it served a purpose I can now recognize and appreciate. I'm okay being alone with me and I like who I am. I'm not perfect, but I'm a good guy and I'm comfortable in my own skin, but perhaps more importantly the last year serves as a new foundation for moving on to become a better man. For the first time in a very long time I'm feeling like new opportunities await. You know what they say, "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!!