stealth_moose

Halloween sucked.

I'm not happy

I think I'll do the smart thing and drown my pain in booze.

[update .-. ]

I've been thinking about this for 4 days and I still don't know where to begin. I've had these thoughts before these 4 days but they've never hurt this much or been this loud. Beginning at the beginniing sounds like the best idea but I've been over this story so many times the words for the events themselves have lost all meaning.

I don't even remember how I was before all this. I've lost the frame of reference and the memories of my younger years. I remember images of my life beforehand but nothing concrete. Like I was there but not the one living that life.

I know for certian that I was a different child. Simply because I tried to change my self to allign with the norm of the society into which I moved. I couldn't do anything about the fact that I knew many of the answers and more than the teachers. I didn't know why that set me up as a target for mockery.

I remember one of them was crying into a towel with some guy's picture on it. I actually cared what was wrong. Kurt Kobain had died, who the heck was he? why was she so sad over some musician?

I spent much time trying to integrate myself into their society. small towns are ... inbred. everyone has been friends with everyone for fucking ever and any outside intrusion is met with outright hostility. especially if that thing is different. I was different. an outsider before i even moved there.

there are important times in the development of human life. those early years when bipedal locomotion is the wonder and bane of your parents. learning the rights and wrongs of human society. learning to understand the language of your given area. and probably most importantly from a continuation of the species standpoint, human relationships, emotional development, the development of related social skills and so on. I can't really be specific about what is learned during these times since I did not spent them doing all the normal human things.

I was the butt end of jokes, the target, the punching bag. I was the one everyone else used to make themselves look cool. Stepping stone on the way to fame. "Look how superior i am by pointing out his obvious flaws". I didn't even know I had flaws, but I learned what they were eventually. Like the one where i had a sister who was a retard, and the one where i didn't worship at the altar of much music, and the one where i was the first new kid they've had in class since kindergarden. all damning things.

I was beat, mocked, toyed with, BURRIED!! fuckers. all those good healthy things that are supposed to happen to help you develop as a human being..... knowing that this is a just and right world i took my problems to the figures of authority, teachers, principles, parents. the ones who are supposed to solve those behavioral problems in their shit offspring/charges.

teachers and principals. Small towns are inbred, i mentioned this earlier. children have parents, parents support schools, so when i told them of my struggles, i was ignored. "what on earth are youtalking about, the parents of that child have helped this school so much, that child can't possibly have done these things you speak of". so that didn't work

parents. I've got awesome parents, still together, still love eachother a whole hell of a lot, great sense of humor, open minded. Never once did they harm me. verbal physical emotional abuse, none of that. apparently another thing that set me as an outsider, set me up to be weak, or some shit like that. from what i know now i know that i was targeted as release from what these kids were suffering from vis a vis their parents. all well hidden and unspoken. but that is not the current point. I went to my parents with my problems, but they believed the school over me. no help there.

so the problems continued. three, maybe 4 years and the damage was done. left the school into larger society, high school, but by that point the turning inward had begun. mockery still existed but the distance had increased. attempts were made to know this new world, but mockery followed and tho there were some good people, I did not find them to later, it was way too late.

like minds can be found anywhere and in a school of hundreds i found mine. Justin osborne, an unfortunate story inside an unfortunate story, but i probably get a worse entry in the story of his life, he hated me in the end for his own mistaken reasons. that boy filled my life with joy, someone who had suffered and hated the world as much as i had. we helped eachother through many problems and try as i might i could not save him from his.

Without justin i would be long since dead. Killing the self was one of those options thought good back then. Through him I met others and formed the deepest bonds with any people i've ever known. Malice and the Pot of Moose.

The Pot of Moose showed up at my door one day with justin, the two of them had walked to my house, an hour long journey if memory serves me. He was a complete unknown, I can't even remember him saying much throughout the wanderings that night.

Moosey is more of a friend than i could think possible. A point comes when nothing can be said of adventures, thoughts, conversations. there are too many to name and too much has happened.

I can remember my first thoughts of Malice with surprising clarity, because they were very worried and slightly hate filled thoughts. justin had dumped laura the one of fish and started dating Malice. I was speaking with a very distraught laura that evening in which she told me of her many concerns, of how Malice was ridden with STD's and was much the whore. "oh god, what has the boy gotten himself into"

Worried and hatefull emotions behind the thoughts, very remembered because of the thoughts when I met Malice. which were essentially a "the hell?" oh the lies that followed Malice through that school. here i was expecting something incredibly worse than the one of fish had been (she was a ho-bag) and....well, some of you have met Malice, so you know.

The tale of justin ends here, with him becoming his problems and hating me. I feel for him, but my attempts to save him only resulted in hatred.

Malice became more of a friend at this point, her ability to understand still confounds me. I missed much in the lives of my friends while i was at college and came back to a changed everything. justin had caused unthinkable amounts of pain and still Malice waited for me. she let me try to help his and straddle the fence between Moosey and her, and justin. She understood my wish to help him and held nothing against me when i cried at my inability to do so.

Malice and Moosey have been through so many things with me, shared so many of my pains, so many of my thoughts. All people evolve through their lives and they have made in me a more whole person than i can believe possible.

I don't know if I can become more than I am at this moment in life. I don't have that much respect for humanity because i can see the cause and the effect. I know why the pain was caused me and i can do nothing to change it. cause and effect is interesting, it's influences powerfull. At present I place little value on human life as a whole and don't have a problem with it. I see society and it's myriad influences for what they really are and no longer try to adapt, there is no point trying to fit into the world that destroyed you.

I have only one problem from those all important developmental years and it is my one and present cause of mental pain. the importance of love and human relationships is jammed into the minds of every child raised in this society. I have been told from the beginning that it is important to happiness that you have someone to share your life with. I was mocked rejected and toyed with during the years when those things are supposed to begin.

As such I am a child when it comes to relationships. My mind screams at me that I require one to be happy. A voice I can not silence. This is the source of the opressive feeling of lonliness inside me. I see the love and happiness of those around me and want so badly to know it for myself, but the pain remains. I attempt to get to know people but all i see is rejection. there is a constant war within me between my longing to know someone and the knowledge that they will mock and reject me at every opportunity.

Two outright lies fighting so strongly within me and nothing I know to do to stop them.

I started drinking tonight to try to shut it up, just for a while.. Kinda weak of me but i'm not sure i care. it's more a source of amusement than anything else. "you shut up" (No you shut up) and so on

Malice and Moosey, they'll probably hit me once they read this, trying to drown problems in booze. They know as well as i do that it just doesn't work. I am more complete a being than i should be. My packbrother and sister, they support me with their very presence. I do not know what I am going to do, but i know they will always be there for me.

Idon't know what else to say