somekindofinsane

i wish with all of my heart that i was dead right now... i believed i would never have to feel this again and now my life has been fucking destroyed... i don't want to feel this anymore...

yeah, i wish i was fucking dead... but i will suffer through this again, like i have so many times before... i will go without sleep, i will struggle to eat and i will hate my life for as long as it takes to not feel this pain...if that time ever comes... because my own well being is less important to me than the trust and hopes of my friends and family...and i would rather have my heart ripped out a million times than to hurt them or let them down...

god...it has been so long since i was able to exist for myself...i exist for others now and it seems i always will...until the day there is no one left who cares about me... i could never imagine that with so many friends and a loving family...i could feel so alone... i feel the most alone i have ever felt in my entire life...

if you haven't guessed...jeannie "dumped" me...she said she doesn't love me...that was her reason...she doesn't love me anymore...and it doesn't matter how many "whys" i throw out or how totally fucking confused and terrified i am, because i am completely helpless right now... this makes no sense whatsoever...in the course of 5 minutes we went from "i love you" to her telling me she doesn't anymore...this world makes no fucking sense...none...