I caught up with another old school friend online today (#3 below). Yet another of my old school friends who has done fucking wonders with their life. And all of this has once again made me question my purpose on this planet.
#1 friend = actress on TV most nights of the week
#2 friend = successful published author with another book of hers due out soon
#3 friend = accomplished musician, just finished touring with Just Jack, played at VFestival, is the resident guitarist with the Charlotte Church Band, writes countless theme tunes to TV programs, Hollywood movies and commercials.
And then there's me. A fucking failure as far as I'm concerned. I failed practically all my exams at school, fuck knows how I managed to end up working in a bank after failing maths. Yep, you heard me, I FAILED MATHS. Not only just failed it, with a D or E, No I had to fail on epic proportions with an U = UNGRADED. Yeah, go me
I scrape through my English exams with C's and the only other recognised certified exam I have is an RSA Pitman Typewriting exam. Whoopie do. No wonder I feel so completely and utterly dumb and a failure compared to, oh, I dunno, practically 99.9% of my friends list on here. You know, the ones with A-Levels and degrees. Me, I'm just the resident thicko.
I feel like I have no purpose. What am I actually doing here?
I don't know how I've managed to stay in accounts jobs, without an actual financial qualification to back me up, I guess I must be doing something right somewhere along the line, but I don't feel it. I'm hacked off to pieces with my job right now, and feel like there is nothing for me to aim for. Not only do I still have the uncertainty of how long I'm actually going to be there for, I found out today that the bonus I'm getting is not as much as the other contractor got which pisses me off considerably. After all the hard work I've put in to the current project and I appear to only be worth 150, compared to the 500 he got. Makes me wonder why the hell I even bother. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing, I'm just sick and tired with feeling like I'm not appreciated, that someone has got it in for me, and being dumped with all her fucking work on top of mine when she goes on holiday.
I have the chance to train as a weight-loss counsellor, yet right now I can't control my bingeing, so I would hardly be a good role model for anyone. My self-loathing of my body and how I feel people perceive me, gets me down too. There are a couple of people I am really interested in, but one I know for sure, prefers the SG model figures, and I'm damn sure would see me, as always seems to be the case these days, as just a friend they can have a laugh, drink and smoke with. The other one, I know likes me because he's actually told me so, but is due to get married next month, so that's out of the equation too. I seem to attract the ones I don't like in that way (and a lot of creepies too), and repel the ones I really like (I seem to end up in 'The Friend Zone'). My body is savagely ravaged by childbirth and my out of control binge attacks, so perhaps it's quite right that I repel people in that way. Hell, I don't think I could even find a woman on here who'd give me some lovin' either. Still, I have a fucking fantastic set of boobs
I miss you guys so much, which was reinforced by my weekend with some of you last weekend. It made me realise that while I have some fantastic friends, I simply have such a shit life that I can't get to see you when I'd like to. I'd love to be able to have the freedom to just come and see you all at least once a month, to let my hair down, goof around and have fun
Oh I don't know, I just feel so full of self-pity right now, and it's so unlike me. I get the odd day like most people do, when I feel shit, but I can usually pick myself up, get back on track and keep things moving. Right at this moment, I feel like I'm walking through sticky tar going nowhere. I need a new challenge I guess, something that I can excel in and feel proud of, like I'm proud of those friends I mentioned earlier (yes, I'm fucking jealous of their success, I won't lie about that but I'm also fucking proud of them too). The only thing I seem to be good at is fucking things up and being there for my friends when they need me and doling out what little advice I can give them in their times of need.
Fuck it, here endeth the self-pity session. As you were.
