Hmm... I'm hungry, for starters. Jesus; I'm always hungry. I should indulge that feeling more often, and maybe I wouldn't be such a fucking toothpick. Ah well. Anywho... things have been... less than stable, I suppose.
I met a girl. Well, technically, I met a guy AND a girl, but I'm not quite interested in the guy... well, romantically. Sure, he's cute, but I'm just not interested. The girl, however, seems really kool... and seems to like me, in return. It's strange, tho... because normally, I just "make moves" on girls that I'm interested in, or come onto them in some way or something. But, this time, I haven't. We've just sat around for... well, fucking hours and hours... just talking; getting to know each other. We've done this on the phone, and in person. I mean... like, the other night, she came over around 9pm, and was here until about 5:30 in the morning... and all we did was talk. I don't normally do things like that, at least... not without trying SOMETHING. Could I possibly be growing up, and finally maturing into someone worth giving half a shit about? Good God, what an idea. Well, that is yet to be seem, methinks. hehe.
But then... there's the situation with my ex-girlfriend. I'm bringing her down here Thursday morning, along with our kids, to stay for the holidays. She'll be here until the 2nd of January... so, about a week and a half. I don't know what's going on "in that ballpark." She says she cares about me still, but then... for the past 8 months, she's been with this guy who she had fallen in love with. But, she just dumped him the other day... partly for me, and partly for herself and the kids... since he's simply a horrible fucking guy.
But, I just don't know what to do. I mean... I love her still... I care about her more than anything I've ever even IMAGINED caring about. I think about her every day, and every night. Maybe it's wrong for me to consider making a relationship with someone else, when I'm still this disrought over another woman. But the problem is that unless I DO try and make a relationship with someone else... to take my mind off of her, and give me something to hold myself up on until I can stand on my own again... I'll never get over her. Does that make sense? It's been 9 months since we broke up from our 3 1/2 year relationship. I've not been in a relationship this entire, since I moved away from her. And, this entire time, I've been stuck on her like a fucking... well, some sort of fucked up metaphor involving sticking to something. And... before, it's never taken me this long to get over someone. The only reason I can pin to that fact, is that I've always gotten into a relationship with someone else, who took my mind away from them, and gave me a reason to get over the previous.
I don't know. But, I don't want to grow bitter and hateful towards people. The longer I stay alone and empty... yearning for my ex, the more I DO hate other people, and think less and less of them. Seriously... and it's not that I simply feel as though I don't need them... it's just that I hate them for who they are... for not needing me. You know? And that makes it harder to actually pull myself up and talk to them... you know how it is... it's hard to talk to someone you hate, right? And, if you hate everyone you see... you're in a bit of a situtation.
Oh, I don't know. But, I already said that. But, maybe if I were to say it again, it would stress the fact that I'm really lost, and have no idea what the fuck to do with myself.
Well, I've been wanting to go out and make some friends, but it definitely appears that I have no self esteem. I figure the coffee shop would be a nice place to meet some people that I'd actually be interested in talking to. But, when I get around people, or see someone that I'd like to talk to... I get really shy. I can't look anyone in the face... I just look down, and speak quietly. My mind goes blank, and I pretty much make an ass out of myself. It's just been so long since I've interacted with the world, that I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm always afraid that whoever I talk to is going to think that I'm just some lame ass. And, because of that, I turn into a lame ass. heh. I know that the answer is to not be so worried about what they think, and just be myself... but, being myself (anymore) would be to just stay home and play video games, or browse the internet or something... and NOT interact with the world. But, I want to change that... because it's a lonely, pathetic life. I want to be someone... someone who has fun, and enjoys his life, rather than piss and moan about the pathetic existance. You know? Fuck being pathetic... I wanna have FUN!
*sigh* It's so easy to say, too. I wish I could just get up and do it that easy. Blah. I should go get something to eat. I think we have some Frosted Flakes in there. That will have to do. Or some Cup of Noodles. Something... yea. Bye.
I met a girl. Well, technically, I met a guy AND a girl, but I'm not quite interested in the guy... well, romantically. Sure, he's cute, but I'm just not interested. The girl, however, seems really kool... and seems to like me, in return. It's strange, tho... because normally, I just "make moves" on girls that I'm interested in, or come onto them in some way or something. But, this time, I haven't. We've just sat around for... well, fucking hours and hours... just talking; getting to know each other. We've done this on the phone, and in person. I mean... like, the other night, she came over around 9pm, and was here until about 5:30 in the morning... and all we did was talk. I don't normally do things like that, at least... not without trying SOMETHING. Could I possibly be growing up, and finally maturing into someone worth giving half a shit about? Good God, what an idea. Well, that is yet to be seem, methinks. hehe.
But then... there's the situation with my ex-girlfriend. I'm bringing her down here Thursday morning, along with our kids, to stay for the holidays. She'll be here until the 2nd of January... so, about a week and a half. I don't know what's going on "in that ballpark." She says she cares about me still, but then... for the past 8 months, she's been with this guy who she had fallen in love with. But, she just dumped him the other day... partly for me, and partly for herself and the kids... since he's simply a horrible fucking guy.
But, I just don't know what to do. I mean... I love her still... I care about her more than anything I've ever even IMAGINED caring about. I think about her every day, and every night. Maybe it's wrong for me to consider making a relationship with someone else, when I'm still this disrought over another woman. But the problem is that unless I DO try and make a relationship with someone else... to take my mind off of her, and give me something to hold myself up on until I can stand on my own again... I'll never get over her. Does that make sense? It's been 9 months since we broke up from our 3 1/2 year relationship. I've not been in a relationship this entire, since I moved away from her. And, this entire time, I've been stuck on her like a fucking... well, some sort of fucked up metaphor involving sticking to something. And... before, it's never taken me this long to get over someone. The only reason I can pin to that fact, is that I've always gotten into a relationship with someone else, who took my mind away from them, and gave me a reason to get over the previous.
I don't know. But, I don't want to grow bitter and hateful towards people. The longer I stay alone and empty... yearning for my ex, the more I DO hate other people, and think less and less of them. Seriously... and it's not that I simply feel as though I don't need them... it's just that I hate them for who they are... for not needing me. You know? And that makes it harder to actually pull myself up and talk to them... you know how it is... it's hard to talk to someone you hate, right? And, if you hate everyone you see... you're in a bit of a situtation.
Oh, I don't know. But, I already said that. But, maybe if I were to say it again, it would stress the fact that I'm really lost, and have no idea what the fuck to do with myself.
Well, I've been wanting to go out and make some friends, but it definitely appears that I have no self esteem. I figure the coffee shop would be a nice place to meet some people that I'd actually be interested in talking to. But, when I get around people, or see someone that I'd like to talk to... I get really shy. I can't look anyone in the face... I just look down, and speak quietly. My mind goes blank, and I pretty much make an ass out of myself. It's just been so long since I've interacted with the world, that I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm always afraid that whoever I talk to is going to think that I'm just some lame ass. And, because of that, I turn into a lame ass. heh. I know that the answer is to not be so worried about what they think, and just be myself... but, being myself (anymore) would be to just stay home and play video games, or browse the internet or something... and NOT interact with the world. But, I want to change that... because it's a lonely, pathetic life. I want to be someone... someone who has fun, and enjoys his life, rather than piss and moan about the pathetic existance. You know? Fuck being pathetic... I wanna have FUN!
*sigh* It's so easy to say, too. I wish I could just get up and do it that easy. Blah. I should go get something to eat. I think we have some Frosted Flakes in there. That will have to do. Or some Cup of Noodles. Something... yea. Bye.
ravensfeather:
Merry Xmas to you too hottie! haha 