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memory



A memory
I think it is all a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is.
Vladimir Nabokov

I remember the first time I felt like I was going crazy.... it was a warm night just like tonight and I just got done doing a couple of lines of coke. It was so hot the city had a abnormal stench to it.

I think because a breeze could not sweep threw the city, but the city smelled like death. Not like a new death like a death of an old person where they rot intill finally there body just gives up. I hate that smell! So the night smelled like that and I wondered the streets alone.. afraid to sleep not only because of the smell but because of the fact that just that morning I got my shoes stolen.

I have to say though the People were very respectable , I've seen people get beat for less.... I have to take the time here and think that my feet should be really messed up at this point in my life, I've broken so many bones in my feet and had them bloody and meaty mess they should be ugly... but there not they actually are very pretty feet....

Any way

That night I just didn't want to sleep, though I did a couple lines of coke , coke always made me feel so tired... or maybe it gave me that feeling of I had so much to do but I was just too god damn cool to do it, Yes that was more it.

There was it a lot of activity on the streets on this night.. of course due to the fact that it felt like hell out here I see why people wanted to stay in..... though I know at that moment I was probabling wishing for some AC blowing on my face.

If the river was it so polluted maybe I would have went for a dip in there. Puddles of sweat laid in my bra....not cooling me off like you would think

I turned down the street where all the hookers hung out at. My friend lived in the heart of Cuntville . Hookers didn't bother me, really they have to make a living as well. Some of them was just to support their drug habbit, other's really were just insecure women and more insecure boyfriends then them. I didn't care.. I had a drug problem though I didn't turn down the road of selling myself for cash to get drugs... I wonder why that was ?

Up head I heard Laughter and out comes Dice running from behind the dumpster, a kid with gold teeth a bleach blonde hair and old dried up hooker that could have been his mother, followed him out cursing, She was cursing him out about something.

My friends door opened and he stepped out with a famous stripper I guess the hooker was being to loud and they came out to be nosey..... Sometimes that happens in cities, your life is dull so you just stop and listen to whats going on around you, or your hoping you can find someone else's life worse then yours.

Dice's Laughter could be heard I'm sure 3 blocks down, I cringed because I hate how loud people get... and it was mostly just because he needed attention . My mood was just sour due to the heat... I went to walk up the black iron steps to my friends place to see if I could stand in his fridge when I heard it.

The hooker called Dice by the "N" word.... I won't even say it I hate that word hate it! I froze and my friend and the stripper stopped talking and looked shock at the hooker.... Her eyes were all glazed and her hair was wild, she looked nuts nuts I say....

Dice was angry he glarred at her with such hatred and such malice, but she didn't step down

"you heard me !" she screamed I didn't even here Dice ask a Question
Dice glared harder
" don't ever say that again you stupid cunt"

She tilted her head back and laughed

Then she did this little dance and kept Calling him that.

my eyes widened

What happen next happened so fast, Dice unzipped his pants and whipped his cock out and peed on her

The hooker was still dancing and it didn't hit her at first that this man was peeing on her.... but when she did she started screaming

Dice laughed again my friend and the stripper were almost in tears from laughing I stood there shocked.

"hey what's going on down there!!"

I turned to see a old man wearing a sailer suit, standing in the entrance of the allway .

I"ve seen him around he was the pimp in these streets almost looked like a grandfather if it was it for the insaneness in his eyes. The hooker was one of his.

He walked up to Dice

" boy what are you doing to my girl"

the hooker laughed and I noticed she was missing teeth.

Dice turned to him

" i'm a paying customer and she called me a "N""

Let me tell you how silent it got in that alleyway nothing but breathing could be heard, The hooker stopped laughing and looked really nervous. She looked around as if too see where she could run too.

Then it happened the worst beating I've ever seen a women get , and I've been beat pretty good, more laughter came from Dice and the stripper was yelling for the pimp to beat that girls ass....

I looked up at my friend but he was on the phone but in a tranced watching the scence before him.

This was madness, The hooker was kicked and punched and kneed blood just came out of her....

I couldn't do anything, did I want to do anything yes but what I was, was a 18 year old then living on the streets....

The pimp spit on her and gave her one good kick, he took dice and said something about buying him a beer. The stripper and my friend walked up to his place and he yelled down that the door would be unlocke but to stay out of his room... Stripper was grabbing him ... I guess all this excitment got her in the mood.

The hooker laid in a bloody mess and no one cared, I felt like I was going nuts with what I jsut saw , who would treat someone like that?

At that moment though reality hit, this women was me in 10 to 15 years, she sobbed softly and I cringed this is what my life is going to be like.

Lets just say that was the last time I stepped foot in that alleyway, I 've never saw any of those people again. To this day I think back to the hooker and wonder if she's still alive or she's dead now, I know the pimp is dead because he was old

I still get sad when I think about that night the only time I've never done anything to help someone...

Hard Candy
Release date: 2006-09-19