My life has been quite a roller coaster over the last six years. My life has been burnt to the ground and now I’m sifting through the ashes. I’m taking what I need and leaving the rest behind me.
I had a nervous break down, lost all sense of self and because a zombie. I lost my father than had a second nervous break down. As a result of all my inner turmoil my fiancé, best friend and partner for the last sixteen years dumped me less then six months after my father’s death.
When this all started six years ago I gave her and exit.
“If this is all too much for you to handle you can leave me now and I won’t hold it against you,” I said.
She told me “I’m with you for the long hall. No matter what.”
“What if I never get better? What if I end up on disability?” I asked.
“It will be okay,” she said. “Because by then we will have tried everything possible to make you better. If you don’t get better then we’ll adjust. I’m not going to leave you.”
As it turned out that was a not what happened. My mental health journey considered in a downward spiral. Different doctors, different meds. I was hospitalized. I went through seminars and meditation classes. I tried to rewire the way I think and act to get better control over my disability. Through it all I was fighting it alone. I didn’t realize it until just recently but she was not supportive at all. In anything. She was pulling away little by little, day by day. She didn’t love me anymore. She loved the man I used to be. At the time I didn’t catch on to any of this at least not consciously. Subconsciously my brain knew what was going on. This added to my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I was constantly having dreams about losing her. She still said she wasn’t going anywhere. She was lying to herself and in turn was lying to me as well.
A little over a year ago it all came to a head after she got laid off from her job We lost our financial security as she made a lot more money then I did We had just bought a house a month before and only had gone to her job’s Christmas party Her boss gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek , pretending nothing was wrong In fact they had already made the decision to let my girlfriend go in a weeks time
My girlfriend sunk into her own depression and started drinking heavily. Then my pop got sick and my second nervous break down began. She was not there for me during my father’s illness and death. I called her out on it a couple of times. The truth was she didn’t have the will through all to support me and I was unable to support her. This was the breaking point. We grow more and more distant. I spent more time in my game room. She spent more time on her sewing.
She meet someone at one of the part time jobs she had. She would come home and talk about this really interesting guy at work and how we should get together with him and his girlfriend for a board game night. Then suddenly she stopped talking about him. Her social calendar suddenly started filling up. She was “playing D&D with the girls from work.” Then she dumped me and I found out she had been cheating all along. 16 years of my life gone. My house, my dog, my overpriced Sleep Number bed. All gone.
I was utterly destroyed. I coach surfed for about a month. From one friends house to another. I even slept in my car a couple of times. I started smoking again. I started cutting again. I thought about ending it.
If not for a very good friend offering to put me up until I got my feet under me, I may not be here anymore. I put in my notice at work and two weeks later moved two hundred miles away to start a new life.
Then Coronavirus became a thing. Perfect! This seems like a good time for the world to end. After all my world just ended. Out of boredom, depression, and loneliness I turned to what got me through my late teen years, when I thought I would be alone and a virgin for the rest of my life. I turn to the comfort of sex workers.
My old go to were strip clubs. Where I could pay pretty women money and they would pretend to like me. Whit Coronavirus, however, that wasn’t an option. So where could I go to find that kind of attention and comfort. The next best thing, Cam Girls.
(This has become a book. I’m just going to put a pin in this for now.)
TO BE CONTINUED...
