sid

If you live in Colorado, you are in luck!

On the 13th and 14th I will be attending both the Colorado Springs and the Denver Blackheart Burlesque shows! I'm trying to find out if anyone is interested in doing a meet up or meal before the show's start. We SGs have to be in the venue prior to the VIP opening, and every time I've planned anything, no one's come out for it. 😢 It especially sucks when I take charge and plan events in Denver because I live more than an hour away, so it wastes my time and money to get up there when people ditch.

Anyway, I really cannot wait to meet new and old friends alike!

I may be tasked with some "work" during the show (it's just in my nature to be as helpful as I can to the girls and the tour staff. I love helping out! ☺️ I like making people happy!), but I will try to be available before and after my assignment(s) to say hi, take pictures, and sign things! But of course, this isn't my show. I'm not the focus in the least bit. I am just there to support the amazingly talented dancers SuicideGirls is lucky to have found!

Anyway, some of you may have noticed that I changed my profile picture. I guess I'm really itching to shoot something new. I know I keep saying that, but I can never find anyone interested in shooting here in Colorado. Which is pretty sad considering that I have several projects that I need photographers for that can be done anytime in the not too distant future.

I've considered self-shooting, but it's pretty tough to do. I also have been thinking about shooting models, but I kind of always feel like nothing I do is good enough. My confidence has been kind of crapped all over, sadly, within the last year. Too many downs hitting my loved ones, my luck, my life, and just me in general.

I am aware I've mentioned it in the past, but I kind of fell apart when I was sexually assaulted and harassed by someone I trusted. It caused me to shut down and just close myself off. The assault itself wasn't anywhere close to what I'd consider the worst way I've been sexually assaulted in my life, but I think the regret of not really doing anything about the other assaults in the past are what made me feel like I was the one who did something wrong, which wasn't true at all. In any of my assault or harassment cases.

I was bullied so much throughout my life that once I hit middle school, I just thought life was like that. Guys could do what they wanted to me. They tried to make it sound and feel as though it was my fault and that I should thank them for the fact that they gave me any attention at all and that this unwanted sexual attention/assault/harassment. I was young and stupid. But when I had worse things happen as I got older, even when I told someone, that person somehow tried to turn it into it being my fault for giving off "signals" despite saying "no" to things. (It kills me knowing that so many other people here who will read this can understand exactly where I'm coming from.)

My point, I guess is, that I have little confidence in myself even still. I feel like I have no talents or anything special to give to the world. That's what sexual, physical, and mental abuse does to someone. Even 20 years later, sometimes something triggers that bad memory, and you shut down and decide that you are not wanted nor needed, and that's why I can't get someone to take pretty pictures of me and even if I can, that's why I can't get a set bought, or that's why someone decided to make up a random rumor about me; because they think I'm lying or unworthy of the same level of happiness.

Fuck that shit! We all deserve equal opportunity. Life is too short to make other people miserable or suffer. Society as a whole already does that to so many of us! I miss the positivity that used to be everywhere here! Can we try to bring that back to SG?

I mean, what the fuck? Not everyone has bad intentions toward others!

Here are some things I've learned (some recently and some through my own mistakes) that I think might be helpful to strengthen SuicideGirls' community more:

•If you really don't want helpful criticism or critique on something you did and really just want 100% praise, then don't ask for critique! However, if you fall into the same trap of making the same mistake time after time and wondering why you're in this spiral of being denied the praise you deserve, it's no one's fault but yours for not asking. Yes, there are some asshats who just like to hurt people, but ignore them. 99% of the time, they're just idiot trolls.

•Not everyone is great at expressing themselves. I often find myself mixing up words (due to my illness and medications) or not saying things clearly enough that people think I mean to be offensive. I've also made the mistake of thinking people were trying to offend me by not understanding what they were saying properly. Instead of shouting at one another, let's ask each other for clarification.

•If someone is being an asshat for the sake of being an asshat (or at least seemingly for that sake), calmly explain that you don't appreciate them talking to you in that manner, and say something along the lines of "if you really don't have intentions in making me feel bad by what you are saying/doing, then please enlighten me that what you are doing isn't in poor taste," then give them a chance to reply. If they are still being hurtful, hit the ignore button.

•There's no shame in admitting to a mistake. Nor is there any shame in apologizing.

•If you think someone in charge of something isn't doing a good job or you can suggest a better way, please message that person privately. Don't email staff (which can blow it out of proportion), or bring it up publicly to embarrass said person. Be nice!

•You don't have to like everyone, but you should have to be respectful to them. Try not to create problems where there aren't any. If you don't like someone, that's fine. Just don't bully them.

•Some people are more closed off than you think they are. You don't know what someone is going through at any point in their life unless you are somehow tapped into that person's mind and feelings (and no one ever is), try to ignore or let conflicts slide. As long as no one is trying to hurt you, someone you know, or themselves, let it be. You don't know if this person's entire life is collapsing in on them or something similar. If you have a concern, before responding to that concern publicly, try to do so privately and nicely. If that fails, contact staff, but remember; staff have far more pressing things to be working on than petty problems between members!

•Encourage each other, but no need to get all "kumbaya" and "cult-like". Have fun with this place!

These are just some things I've been reflecting on. I miss the old SG days where we were supportive of each other and actually hung out with and talked to each other! I know for a fact that I'm not alone on this! And since SG just had its 17th birthday, I think it's a perfect time to start to re-embrace the beauty and awesome community that @sean and @missy created for us all those years ago!

I'd also like to take the time to thank the rest of SG Staff, past and present, for all they have done over these years for us! So thank you @Rambo, @kiley (yes, I know you're not in the office anymore, but you are still awesome and worked real damn hard), @lyxzen, @mickey (who absolutely needs to be an SG too!), @courtneyriot, and the rest of you who would take forever to list.

Thanks for giving me a home when I had no other place to go; no family who understood me. So happiest of birthdays to the site that changed my life forever and helped me form life-long friendships, love, create my own family, and gave me a place to express myself where other people "got" what I was saying!

Here's some of my pics from over the years as a "Thanks" to those who stuck by me and SG through the years:

x0x0,

☠️-Sid-☠️