Hmmm ... exams are finished and I now have a time to reflect, in between drinking that is. I was looking forward to feeling free and having a huge weight lifted from my shoulders but unfortunately its all been a bit of an anticlimax. I now find myself bored with no money which is a pitiful combination. I've also drunk more in the last week than is recommended in a year. I feel like a kid again and I don't want to. I'm too old to be stumbling around the house drunk at 3 in the morning making inappropriate phone calls that I only know about from my phone records.
I feel torn between 2 places. 25 seems to have been a significant age for me, partly due to its insignificance. I feel like I should be acting like a responsible adult but at the same time I'm a sudent and still have complete dependence on my parents and alcohol. I recently met a girl who I liked but I found out she had a kid and the reaction it provoked in me made me realise just how immature I am in some ways. I've always said that I didn't regret all the shit I've done and been through cause it had all made me what I am today but in truth I should be more than I am. I should've used it all better.
But I'm a good person. I think. I just want to be able to do good things now rather than all the guilt I have from throwing my money away on transient hedonism. I qualify as a doctor next year and I just hope that I'll be able to get some sort of satisfaction from it. Every year thousands of would be doctors walk into interviews saying they 'want to help people'. I didn't mean it when I first said it but I was 17 then. I hope I believe it now. Its clarification I need. Lifes been hazy for too long and not just in an alcohol induced manner.
This is my therapy and its better than any psychiatrist I've seen. I see no reason for it to be of any interest to anyone. So why post it? No idea. After reading through other peoples journals I realised how much some people were benefiting from posting their thoughts and problems. Its not what others say in return, just the fact that you've said it.
That said, I shall continue with more happy things in the future. I always get a bit depressed when I'm waiting for exam results. I'm sure something interesting and non-alcohol related will happen to me sooner or later. Preferably sooner. Bored.......
I feel torn between 2 places. 25 seems to have been a significant age for me, partly due to its insignificance. I feel like I should be acting like a responsible adult but at the same time I'm a sudent and still have complete dependence on my parents and alcohol. I recently met a girl who I liked but I found out she had a kid and the reaction it provoked in me made me realise just how immature I am in some ways. I've always said that I didn't regret all the shit I've done and been through cause it had all made me what I am today but in truth I should be more than I am. I should've used it all better.
But I'm a good person. I think. I just want to be able to do good things now rather than all the guilt I have from throwing my money away on transient hedonism. I qualify as a doctor next year and I just hope that I'll be able to get some sort of satisfaction from it. Every year thousands of would be doctors walk into interviews saying they 'want to help people'. I didn't mean it when I first said it but I was 17 then. I hope I believe it now. Its clarification I need. Lifes been hazy for too long and not just in an alcohol induced manner.
This is my therapy and its better than any psychiatrist I've seen. I see no reason for it to be of any interest to anyone. So why post it? No idea. After reading through other peoples journals I realised how much some people were benefiting from posting their thoughts and problems. Its not what others say in return, just the fact that you've said it.
That said, I shall continue with more happy things in the future. I always get a bit depressed when I'm waiting for exam results. I'm sure something interesting and non-alcohol related will happen to me sooner or later. Preferably sooner. Bored.......