shristy

Hey SG LOVES!!

So I just wanna give you guys a heads up...
YET ANOTHER SHIT STORM HAS HIT MY LIFE...

Except this time... The shit storm is a bit my fault...
So due to all of this I may be a little crazy... Bi-polar... Cry baby.. an maybe just lost...

Today I find myself staring into the miror only to see this face I CANT RECONIZE...
This girls eyes are deep and blank... So full of pain...
She cant hold her feelings inside...
Shes broken down and hurt beyond words...
Shes upset with her self an feeling nothing but hate...
Confused as to why shes done some of the things shes done...
Heart Broken because she BROKE THE HEART OF THE ONE SHE LOVES MOST...
Die'ing inside because she cant change her past...
Falling to pieces because this fight may be there last...
Threw all the heartache and pain...
Shes trying to keep moving on...
Her hearts so heavy her feet are draging...
Her minds such a blur she cant see...
She keeps hoping to awake from this dream...
Walking around trying not to scream...
She wants to shout in her own face...
Tell herself shes a discrace...
She wonders can you put yourself in your own place?
Her mindless heartless actions now a constand pain...
She can hardly express her pain...
Her mind is going compleatly insane...
This pain will for ever remain...
Locked in her heart and mind...
For actions in life she cant rewind...
His heart she holds in her hand...
A constand reminder of her stupidity...
She wonders how could she hurt somebody who really loved her???
The first one to REALLY CARE!!!
He stuck around threw all of it knowing what she had done...
Yet his love steady remained the same...
He walked around with a heart filled with pain...
While she wildly drifted around life her way....
He loved no matter how much his heart hurt...
She hates herself for ever taking him for granted...
For never realizing his on going pain...
She knows most of their problems were her fault...
She tries to cope with the constant guilt her actions built...
This guilt is now a constand pain...
A weight on her mind, heart and soul...
Constant memories driving her insane...
She wishes she could take away his pain...
Heal his heart and ease his worries...
Show him that were not all the same...
Show him the LOVE HE DESERVES...
that her HEART YEARNS TO BE HIS...
Show him shes sorry to cause his pain...
Sorry nothing will ever be the same...
Despriately she hopes and prays he will stay...
that his love wont fade away...
Logic sets in and she starts to cry again...
Her actions are unforgiveable...
She cant even forgive her self...
Shes selfish and lives a life of pain...
She doesnt even know why she did things the way she did...
Her heart was hurt from thing she did not understand...
her mind couldnt comprehend his love...
His foolish actions made her mind stir up things that weren't so...
She thought his love was un-true...
Retailiation was what was on her mind...
She acted like a childish fool...
Now she sits here knowing she is a fool...
A fool for screwing things up...
A fool for ever thinking of giving up...
She almost gave up on his love...
For fear he would cause her pain...
When all the while she was the cause of his pain...
She hopes a love so STRONG CAN REAMIN...
Forever strong threw these storms...
That his love will live on...
That she will get one more chance...
She wants nothing but to prove she cares...
She knows parting ways may be the only way...
A way for them to take there time to think...
a time for her to prove her love was always true...
Even after all they have been threw...
She needs to figure out how to love and not get lost...
A way to love how her heart truely wants too...
She wants to prove shes the woman he fell in love with...
That her mistakes were childish non-sense...
She wants him to know all hes done for here lately...
Has meant the world to her...
That shes sorry she was selfish and didnt let her graditude show...
She wants to improve her self...
She wants to become everything she once was an so much more...
She slowly building back her strenght an want for sucsess...
Bound and determined to work threw all this stress...
She will stop at nothing to prove she has changed...
To prove he is all she ever wanted an so much more...
She cant comprehend how she will go on with out him...
But knows she must do it to prove she cares...
She wants to succeed onto better things...
Build a life she can be proud of...
She has to build up a strenght to be loved...
Her mind took to long to be able to grasp a love so strong...
Now its to late to fix all of the things she did so wrong...
She will stop at nothing to stay strong and keep pushing on...
Till she proves to him shes ready to appriciate him...
Give him the love he deserves and grow old with him...


......................................

My heart is so heavy I can hardly breath... Please excuse this if it makes no sense...
My thoughts hardly make sense... Everything is so broken... Not even my thoughts can fully escape my mind...
I just had to vent some how...I had to get my feeling out in a place that people would care an be there with out trying to push there way into my bizz more then i want them too... I cant bring myself to tell my best friends and loved ones that its over... I cant bring myself to fully comprehend I'm living the punishment of my selfish mindless mistakes... I'm fully aware of what I have done an the pain it has caused.. I never inteneded to hurt him the way I do... I guess I was not ready to be loved how he loves me... I'v never had anyone care... Then all of a sudden one day he was there... With a heart filled with gold... He loved me before he even met me... He never gave up... He always cared... and I took it like he was just another player... A heart breaker in disguise.. Yet all along I was the one thing I feared him to be... He was out there being a good man and helping a young druged out mess of a girl who was a hot mess like i use to be... Running around drunk and on pills... mindlessly trying to find any kind of attention to feel some sort of love... She was a girl that was everything I use to be... All he did was try to help her out of her fucked up mess... And I sat around thinking he was doing me wrong... He was to caring to explain it all to me in fear i would be hurt... and I was to blind to realize what was right in front of me... I dont think i can ever forgive myself for the pain i'v caused him... But i have to move on a try to let go of my mistakes an use them as fuel to fix all my wrongs... Fuel to keep me going towards my goal of healing his heart... Even if I heal it for him to give it to someone who can make him happy... I just want him to be loved an charished like he deserves... I hope I can be the one to do so...


XOXOXOX
~Shristy~