I got mistaken for pregnant the other day. At the time I laughed it off because I knew I don't look pregnant, but now I'm like "Oh god, I do look like that, don't I?"
Since I work in the kids section of Macy's, every customer assumes I either have a kid or am having one, at least that's the impression I get. People have asked me what I'd put on my kid, so I tell them for my imaginary one. Just 'cause I sell kids clothes doesn't mean I need them, although I've started a baby box and have several outfits, even though I likely won't have a kid for two to five years... I'm determined to have my first by twenty-eight, though.
The customer was telling me and a co-worker who had been talking about a fifteen year old girl she'd known who got pregnant about how she'd been infertile and tried for seven years with different drug treatments and two surgeries before having one son, who is now twenty-one. She said how for seven years it seemed like everyone around her could have kids and was having them, and she couldn't, and she cried every night. I made the comment "Wow, I can only imagine how you feel! I'm twenty-two (I accidentally made myself a year older, lol) and all these girls I went to high school with and even my boyfriends little sister are having babies, and I'm can't even though he and I have been together three years! I want a baby so bad."
Maybe she mistook the "want" for "wanted" because later as she was leaving she said "Oh, are his parents going to help out?" I assumed she meant with his sister so I told her they would try, but couldn't really afford it. She then said "How much longer? You look pretty far along." I thought "Oh god, she thinks I'm pregnant... and she's being so nice, I don't want to embarrass her!" so I stuttered "Oh, I'm not--err, not that far... Not that much longer." and she asked if my parents were going to help, I told her they would a bit. She said "Well I'm so proud of you!" as she walked off and I just thanked her and muttered under my breath so my co-worker could hear "...but I'm not pregnant." As soon as the lady walked off my co-worker busted up laughing. She told me she was waiting to see my reaction 'cause she would've jumped over the counter and punched the lady.
I know I'm fat, I guess that's why it didn't bug me, lol. I actually didn't think I have a pregnant shape, although now I've caught myself looking in the mirror and thinking "Oh god, I do look like I'm somewhat pregnant." I've never been mistaken for pregnant before, I figured it was in the context of our conversation that she got the idea I wasn't fat... then I realized I have lost weight, about twenty pounds or more, so I look less fat and my face and neck have lost a bit of weight so I do look more like I could've been a chubby girl who just gained weight in the stomach mostly. It still doesn't really bug me, I think pregnant women are beautiful, at least their shape... I've seen several who look like shit and several who just look stunning face-wise. I've heard pregnant women glow, but some don't.
I guess I just need to lose more weight so people won't make that mistake... but at least maybe people will think I'm pregnant instead of fat, I think that is a plus, lol. I'd actually called and left my boyfriend a message that morning saying "Hey Honey! Good news for you, I'm most definitely not pregnant!" because we always worry after our visits that we "messed up." I just wish I was really pregnant, I have such bad baby fever. But I'm trying hard to get my life in order before bringing an innocent into it. That, and right now I think it would absolutely kill my boyfriend and his family if we got pregnant... unless we got married before that... which isn't going to happen anytime in the next two years as far as I can tell.
It's so frustrating, I haven't been losing hardly any weight, I've been maintaining... but I'm trying hard to lose 30lbs by late August and I'm just stuck at this plateau. I really want to go up to Missouri and his family see me and be super-impressed with what a smart, beautiful girl Rob got himself. I don't know why, their approval is very important to me... and I think his dad would very much approve were I the typical skinny beauty... Although I don't plan to ever be that skinny unless a miracle happens, I do want to be a curvy beauty like Marilyn Monroe. I know I'm pretty, and I personally like big hips and boobs, so I'd be quite happy with that. I imagine his dad likes the curvy beauties, too, lol. His dad likes me a lot, but I want him to love me and to tell Rob if he fucks up with me he's an idiot.
I'm trying to work on going to school. I want to be a couples therapist, but if I go to school like I am now... two classes a semester whenever I can afford them then I'll be in school for the next ten years. Honest to God, I took two classes last spring... that was it. Over a year ago. It's going to take that long. My mom tells me she wants me out of her house, but then wants me to stay in school. I told her I want to go to school for hairstyling, get a job I'll love and then with a higher income and a place of my own I can work on going to school for couple's therapy... and if it takes me thirteen years, so be it. If I never graduate, at least I'll have a job I love. But I know I'll graduate actual college someday, I just need more money and more time. She won't be supportive at all, even though the hairstylist thing is my way of getting a job where I can get out of her house... she won't help, but refuses to admit if I do it her way I'll be here another thirteen years.
I'm saving up to move to St. Louis in about two years, as well. I just tried to give myself enough time to amass a small amount so that I can either fly up there and apply for jobs before I move or so that I'll have a bit of money for an apartment for a few months and for furniture. I'm also buying some things now while I get the discount at Macy's. I bought a couple bath towels, a couple wash-clothes and a hand towel for less than $10. They're in my box and won't be used 'til I move out. I don't really know anyone up there, other than Rob, who at the moment doesn't feel ready for being on his own... I guess he could change his tune in two years, but I'd rather just live on my own... and unless we get married I don't want us to live together before-hand because I don't want the mentalities that seem to go along with a lot of couples who live together before hand. If we had to I would, but since I'm making a plan I'm trying not to mess up our relationship. And even though I'm trying so hard to work it out, I can't stop freaking out about things. I hope if I just lay off, work on myself and manage to move up there by that point we'll have worked through our issues. I'm such an impatient person, this waiting is killing me, but I honestly think we can work it out... he just has to figure himself out and realize he could lose somebody amazing who is willing to do so much for him and who wants to make him happy and be happy with him for the rest of her life. I don't need Rob to survive, but I want him with me to fight along beside me and to laugh and cry with me through everything I go through for the rest of my life. And since I'm so impatient, I keep screwing up and I know it and need to stop.
I really don't want to go to work, it's so hard to look at it as "In two years if you work hard you can be gone, so just stick with it." when all I want is to snuggle with Rob. I've been missing him so bad lately, I honestly think I've fallen back in love with him when I realized how I was taking him for granted, trying to change the kid who I fell in love with and finally understood, at least as well as I can why he broke up with me. He said if he didn't want to be with me now he wouldn't be, he wonders what it's like to be single but he's sticking with me so I guess I shouldn't get upset about it. I know what led up to our breakup, I was smothering and lecturing and being like my mom instead of myself, the girl he fell in love with. I still get scared, so many people around me my age or a little older have died... the people I never thought would die. My dad and mom knew one another five years when he died, I'm at three with Rob... you never know what's going to happen. He's seen people trying to kill themselves and not managing all his life, I've seen people trying to make it and dying, and it scares me.
I think I've rambled enough, as I'll be late for work soon.
Since I work in the kids section of Macy's, every customer assumes I either have a kid or am having one, at least that's the impression I get. People have asked me what I'd put on my kid, so I tell them for my imaginary one. Just 'cause I sell kids clothes doesn't mean I need them, although I've started a baby box and have several outfits, even though I likely won't have a kid for two to five years... I'm determined to have my first by twenty-eight, though.
The customer was telling me and a co-worker who had been talking about a fifteen year old girl she'd known who got pregnant about how she'd been infertile and tried for seven years with different drug treatments and two surgeries before having one son, who is now twenty-one. She said how for seven years it seemed like everyone around her could have kids and was having them, and she couldn't, and she cried every night. I made the comment "Wow, I can only imagine how you feel! I'm twenty-two (I accidentally made myself a year older, lol) and all these girls I went to high school with and even my boyfriends little sister are having babies, and I'm can't even though he and I have been together three years! I want a baby so bad."
Maybe she mistook the "want" for "wanted" because later as she was leaving she said "Oh, are his parents going to help out?" I assumed she meant with his sister so I told her they would try, but couldn't really afford it. She then said "How much longer? You look pretty far along." I thought "Oh god, she thinks I'm pregnant... and she's being so nice, I don't want to embarrass her!" so I stuttered "Oh, I'm not--err, not that far... Not that much longer." and she asked if my parents were going to help, I told her they would a bit. She said "Well I'm so proud of you!" as she walked off and I just thanked her and muttered under my breath so my co-worker could hear "...but I'm not pregnant." As soon as the lady walked off my co-worker busted up laughing. She told me she was waiting to see my reaction 'cause she would've jumped over the counter and punched the lady.
I know I'm fat, I guess that's why it didn't bug me, lol. I actually didn't think I have a pregnant shape, although now I've caught myself looking in the mirror and thinking "Oh god, I do look like I'm somewhat pregnant." I've never been mistaken for pregnant before, I figured it was in the context of our conversation that she got the idea I wasn't fat... then I realized I have lost weight, about twenty pounds or more, so I look less fat and my face and neck have lost a bit of weight so I do look more like I could've been a chubby girl who just gained weight in the stomach mostly. It still doesn't really bug me, I think pregnant women are beautiful, at least their shape... I've seen several who look like shit and several who just look stunning face-wise. I've heard pregnant women glow, but some don't.
I guess I just need to lose more weight so people won't make that mistake... but at least maybe people will think I'm pregnant instead of fat, I think that is a plus, lol. I'd actually called and left my boyfriend a message that morning saying "Hey Honey! Good news for you, I'm most definitely not pregnant!" because we always worry after our visits that we "messed up." I just wish I was really pregnant, I have such bad baby fever. But I'm trying hard to get my life in order before bringing an innocent into it. That, and right now I think it would absolutely kill my boyfriend and his family if we got pregnant... unless we got married before that... which isn't going to happen anytime in the next two years as far as I can tell.
It's so frustrating, I haven't been losing hardly any weight, I've been maintaining... but I'm trying hard to lose 30lbs by late August and I'm just stuck at this plateau. I really want to go up to Missouri and his family see me and be super-impressed with what a smart, beautiful girl Rob got himself. I don't know why, their approval is very important to me... and I think his dad would very much approve were I the typical skinny beauty... Although I don't plan to ever be that skinny unless a miracle happens, I do want to be a curvy beauty like Marilyn Monroe. I know I'm pretty, and I personally like big hips and boobs, so I'd be quite happy with that. I imagine his dad likes the curvy beauties, too, lol. His dad likes me a lot, but I want him to love me and to tell Rob if he fucks up with me he's an idiot.
I'm trying to work on going to school. I want to be a couples therapist, but if I go to school like I am now... two classes a semester whenever I can afford them then I'll be in school for the next ten years. Honest to God, I took two classes last spring... that was it. Over a year ago. It's going to take that long. My mom tells me she wants me out of her house, but then wants me to stay in school. I told her I want to go to school for hairstyling, get a job I'll love and then with a higher income and a place of my own I can work on going to school for couple's therapy... and if it takes me thirteen years, so be it. If I never graduate, at least I'll have a job I love. But I know I'll graduate actual college someday, I just need more money and more time. She won't be supportive at all, even though the hairstylist thing is my way of getting a job where I can get out of her house... she won't help, but refuses to admit if I do it her way I'll be here another thirteen years.
I'm saving up to move to St. Louis in about two years, as well. I just tried to give myself enough time to amass a small amount so that I can either fly up there and apply for jobs before I move or so that I'll have a bit of money for an apartment for a few months and for furniture. I'm also buying some things now while I get the discount at Macy's. I bought a couple bath towels, a couple wash-clothes and a hand towel for less than $10. They're in my box and won't be used 'til I move out. I don't really know anyone up there, other than Rob, who at the moment doesn't feel ready for being on his own... I guess he could change his tune in two years, but I'd rather just live on my own... and unless we get married I don't want us to live together before-hand because I don't want the mentalities that seem to go along with a lot of couples who live together before hand. If we had to I would, but since I'm making a plan I'm trying not to mess up our relationship. And even though I'm trying so hard to work it out, I can't stop freaking out about things. I hope if I just lay off, work on myself and manage to move up there by that point we'll have worked through our issues. I'm such an impatient person, this waiting is killing me, but I honestly think we can work it out... he just has to figure himself out and realize he could lose somebody amazing who is willing to do so much for him and who wants to make him happy and be happy with him for the rest of her life. I don't need Rob to survive, but I want him with me to fight along beside me and to laugh and cry with me through everything I go through for the rest of my life. And since I'm so impatient, I keep screwing up and I know it and need to stop.
I really don't want to go to work, it's so hard to look at it as "In two years if you work hard you can be gone, so just stick with it." when all I want is to snuggle with Rob. I've been missing him so bad lately, I honestly think I've fallen back in love with him when I realized how I was taking him for granted, trying to change the kid who I fell in love with and finally understood, at least as well as I can why he broke up with me. He said if he didn't want to be with me now he wouldn't be, he wonders what it's like to be single but he's sticking with me so I guess I shouldn't get upset about it. I know what led up to our breakup, I was smothering and lecturing and being like my mom instead of myself, the girl he fell in love with. I still get scared, so many people around me my age or a little older have died... the people I never thought would die. My dad and mom knew one another five years when he died, I'm at three with Rob... you never know what's going to happen. He's seen people trying to kill themselves and not managing all his life, I've seen people trying to make it and dying, and it scares me.
I think I've rambled enough, as I'll be late for work soon.
wyldewolfe:
damn i hope it all works out for you