But before I go into that rant, a couple new pics of me I really like:
I got him for 30 minutes in the past ten days, and we had so much to discuss I couldn't get through even the first bit of it finished before his phone died. This is going from talking all the time to never talking now, and it's torture for me...although I end up calling the other guys that like me and talking to them 'til I fall asleep... which is still later than it used to be. But I'm not getting better about missing talking to him, like people said I would... and in reality his phone was messing up before the past ten days, since he'd gotten it it would cut out randomly...but he never took it to get it fixed. Now it just doesn't work but for a few minutes... Of course I'm asking myself "Why the hell do you want so badly to be with somebody who is too fucking lazy to go and get his phone fixed? It's been broken forever, you always wanted him to get it fixed... it was one of the problems, you would be mad that it would cut out and so you'd pout or be bitchy... After he broke up now you're like 'Oh, it's ok your phone cut out, it isn't your fault' Who the fucks fault is it, but the guy who has known it's been broken since he got it and has been too lazy to get it fixed? And now it hasn't worked for ten fucking days and he has yet to get it fixed? What the fuck? You got your phone fixed the NIGHT it cut out... two hours later you had a new one...and you know his schedule." But, meh, you can't help who you love? I don't even care anymore, the little things that bugged me don't, I can deal with them... I was just being bitchy a lot of the time. Yeah, he should get his phone fixed, but if we were together I could take it for him or be like "let's go out, oh hey, Verizon...let's go there"
I'm just so frustrated, I can't talk to him, I can't get a hold of him. The friends I do talk to are mostly negative, or don't say anything because they don't know what to say...at least that's positive. A few of my friends have made it obvious they think I'm just going through the grieving process.... well, that's a great theory and all...except I already went through it over a month ago...and I've only been sad and understandably upset about it now. I've told one friend how it hurts 'cause I would like more support and my friends should know me well enough to know I'm realistic... I wouldn't be fighting for this thing if I didn't think it was worth it, if I didn't think it could be fixed, and if I didn't think Rob was happy or would be happy if we got back together. I've promised to work on fixing my shortcomings, the least he can do is give me the second chance he promised me years ago if we got serious and something like this happened. Especially when he admits he loves me and he thinks we could work out, but part of him wants to see what would happen if we didn't. But I'm so realistic, if I see things aren't going to work out or think that I'm being stupid I will quickly get over it, I'm very good at controlling my emotions when it's obvious I'm being stupid. I would have tried to move on already if I didn't think that "Hey, this will work. He's confused and he's going to get over it, or at least maybe if he's still confused he'll give me the second chance he promised me... that would be the logical thing to do to work through his confusion." Don't just assume I'm being mopey, hell... I'm open to finding somebody else, I've been seeing my other ex, but so far the guy I thought might prove to me that I could trust some guy other than Rob, and maybe find somebody better than Rob and whatnot proved me wrong.
Yesterday I just started crying before work and screaming...you know, the kind where you just are so upset and hurt you can't express it with words but have to get it out? I just sat there crying and screaming and I know I looked like a crazy person, which I guess I am, but only my cats saw.
I want to be more social, but I don't know how... I don't really know how to meet people face to face. I don't drink much, so unless a friend invites me to a bar I'm not gonna go and I usually work weekends. I don't dance, other than the twist, haha. I'm poor, anyways... although my income is gonna be growing, yay! I do wanna start to school again next semester, I look forward to it...but I have to work it out with my new job. I'm still working on seeing if I have a chance with that guy that my manager wants to hook me up with, but I haven't seen him in a week, he comes on my days off 
I'm probably going to join the local gym soon, but it's a mega-local tiny one, just so I can get in better shape because it's too cold to run so I'm starting to get fatter again 'cause I'm too lazy to be cold willingly and I'm always busy... I get home late then I don't wanna run.
Gah, I feel so lame for always talking about him....seriously I do...but I can't talk to him so I have to get it out by constantly talking about him. Someday I'll be better, I just refuse to give up on us, when I look through the photos of us together I just remember how it felt, how I felt, and how happy we were. I was trying to work on getting him to come for a 3 day weekend, but his phone has been so fucked up we can't discuss it. We both agree it would help... it's just hard to realize how final it is when you're in a long-distance relationship... and to realize what you're losing when you're in a long-distance relationship. I know if we could be together we'd be happy, I know if he'd give us a second chance we'd be happier than ever, and I know he's the guy for me and I'm the girl for him...and when you know, you know. I really honestly believe it's because his grandfather stresses him out and he was having other stressful things happen right before, and because he's 19 and confused... I was confused when we started dating at 19 and I realized that "forever" was real and it's a damn long time... and I could see myself with him forever and it scared the shit out of me. So despite how much easier it would be for me to give up and move on and say "fuck you" to him and us, especially since I'm getting no support and everybody acts like I'm being stupid, and at times I feel stupid... I mean, I honestly can see why people would think I'm stupid for this. I know it's the wrong thing to do to give up, though. He's the guy whose children I want to have, he's the one I want to wait for, he's the person who I'm willing to wait for a reasonable amount of time for him to be ready for us to get married and everything I want to start... I'm willing to wait, because I know I'll be happiest with him in the long run, and I honestly know he will be with me, too... I know all our history, I know the things he told me he never told anybody else, I know I saved his life, and he saved mine. And I know as a couple, once he gets over himself we'd be able to work through this, and if we work through this we can work through anything... but I honestly know once he quits being self-centered and scared he'll come around and hopefully my devotion to the cause will convince him to still try because it's obvious I adore him. Maybe he'll stay that way, he's always content to not get things fixed...which I'm not... but maybe if I'm more patient I'll win with him...because he has taught me patience, and I've sped him up... we balance one another out, but agree on most everything. Time to stop rambling, haha.
And now, to get ready for one of my last days at work!
