Ever look at your life and think I am not where I thought I would be at this age. I dont have all the answers that I thought I would. I have even stopped looking for the truth.
The truth, that one thing that I thought I would know that one journey I started on four years ago that I have yet to complete. I have given up. Is the truth so important? Or is what I was told I was to believe easier to accept. The truth is a long journey, a lot of door being slammed in my face. Some dont want me to know the truth; it is easier for them if I dont. Both of my grandparents, the ones that I thought would tell me the truths one day, have now taken it to their grave. I know my parents will take this truth to their grave; they have flat lied to my face, refused to tell me when I asked.
So now I sit, 33 years old and still no closer to knowing who I really am. But then that poses another question: does who you born as, born too, make you part of who you are? Or is it your experiences that make you who you are? To find out that I have been lied to all my life change anything? No I found that out 4 years ago when I called the hospital that I was born at and they dont know me. I have dealt with that anger, that disappointment. Then I started looking for the truth, this truth as availed my grasp and I have run out of places to look.
I should never write when I am sick. I think too much. It is just that moving here, to the state where I was born; I thought it would make it easier for me to find the truth. And now that I know I will be leaving this land in a few months I wonder if the truth will always avail my grasp. Die with my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles that are too loyal to my family to answer my questions. It is one thing to be given false answers when asking questions; it is another to not be answered at all.
I ask for no assistance, I ask for no sympathy, all I ever ask for is understanding and truth. Maybe this new year, with all the changes it will bring, will bring the truth.
The truth, that one thing that I thought I would know that one journey I started on four years ago that I have yet to complete. I have given up. Is the truth so important? Or is what I was told I was to believe easier to accept. The truth is a long journey, a lot of door being slammed in my face. Some dont want me to know the truth; it is easier for them if I dont. Both of my grandparents, the ones that I thought would tell me the truths one day, have now taken it to their grave. I know my parents will take this truth to their grave; they have flat lied to my face, refused to tell me when I asked.
So now I sit, 33 years old and still no closer to knowing who I really am. But then that poses another question: does who you born as, born too, make you part of who you are? Or is it your experiences that make you who you are? To find out that I have been lied to all my life change anything? No I found that out 4 years ago when I called the hospital that I was born at and they dont know me. I have dealt with that anger, that disappointment. Then I started looking for the truth, this truth as availed my grasp and I have run out of places to look.
I should never write when I am sick. I think too much. It is just that moving here, to the state where I was born; I thought it would make it easier for me to find the truth. And now that I know I will be leaving this land in a few months I wonder if the truth will always avail my grasp. Die with my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles that are too loyal to my family to answer my questions. It is one thing to be given false answers when asking questions; it is another to not be answered at all.
I ask for no assistance, I ask for no sympathy, all I ever ask for is understanding and truth. Maybe this new year, with all the changes it will bring, will bring the truth.
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As for the truth, I believe we chose this life before birth, in an effort for our souls to learn some lesson during this lifetime and evolve. When we're born the slate is wiped clean, so forever we search for what the meaning is.
Your search for the truth has become a big part of who you are, and the answer you learn probably won't be as important as the journey you took in getting there.
I wish you luck my friend...
spend this time thinking about the positive of a new year and for new happiness. Don't dwell on what most believe is the unattainable. The truth and meaning of one's existance. I've known many adopted people in my life, including my father. Did it matter that my grandma wasn't really my grandma? Nope. Who you are is dictated by anyone but you. Believe me, knowing exactly who and what you are doesn't change much.
Moving? What?