seth_

Happy Sunday!

Okay, I may have mentioned I haven't narrowed down my focused resolutions for the year, but have been thinking about them a lot. Part of that has been taking a stroll through memories of the year passed. In that stroll I came across something I wrote last April. It was a tough time for me, but I became confident and felt powerful in the exposure of my weaknesses. It was a good reminder for me, good to read my own words, and I want to keep it present. Here, I share with you:

Declaration of self.
As of this moment on Monday, April 13, 2009, here is this:

I have had my heart broken, and I really hope it doesn't happen again. I know the proper thing to say here would likely be that "I know it will happen again and I'll get ok with it when it happens," but really, I don't want it. I know in my head something will likely happen, and I know in my core that I will be ok and will get through it. But, that doesn't negate that I really don't want to be heartbroken. Especially not romantically. Because I give my heart to inanimate things, causes, and ideas as well as people, there is a high likelihood that something will initiate pieces of my heart to break. But, I'm more concerned about giving my heart to a person and getting screwed. I'm not going to stop putting myself out there and hold back, because that's a risk I'm willing to take. With great risk comes great reward, and I'm out for the dreamiest reward. But still, who really wants their heart broken? Not me.

I am vulnerable. I have soft spots, and separately I have tender spots that should be handled delicately. Often the person who really needs to be reminded and then act on handling me with care is me. Because I am open and sharing of myself and err on saying too much, a lot of me ends up out there. And it freaks me out because I feel and I am sensitive and I hurt.

I'm good at seeing the God in other people. I have a lot of compassion and find it easy to empathize with others' emotions and resulting actions. Even when someone disappoints me or even hurts me and our relationship, I don't forget the God in them. I can still see it, which is likely why I have people in my life most others would cut out. I've been criticized that I put people on a pedestal, but I'd rather err that way. I like to think that I put pieces of them on a pedestal, but a very accessible pedestal. I like to take from the good for myself, see the good in them, and speak to that good. There may be all sorts of other factors clouding that piece, and I'm not blind, but I prefer to operate keeping some sort of faith in people.

I am driven. I am driven with results to back that fire driving me. Even though I may lag at times and may come into lulls, if there is something I want out of life, I will get it. I know not everything is under my control and I have to go with the flow of many other people and forces in life, but within all that, I will still get where I want to get. I can, I have, I will. I will continue to drive.

I'm not the girl who will ever maintain perfect manicures, perfectly scheduled haircuts, always be shaven, get my eyeliner consistently right, or choose corresponding accessories for all outfits. Sometimes I wish I was, but it's just not me.

I wish I did more yoga. I also wish I washed my dishes directly after using them. But I don't do either. Yet. I am working on making these more habits, but more so the yoga. The dishes will likely just have to wait.

I still consider myself the sports bar girl and tomboy of days passed even though my actions don't quite support either anymore. For some reason, I see myself as that girl today. It's comfortable and comforting to be that girl and think of her; I like her. But in my day to day, the practice just doesn't quite fit in to my life of the present.

I love fiercely. I would go to the ends of the earth for those I care about.

I don't necessarily at the moment want to hold band practice or coordinate people, but I want to be a rockstar. Yes, I get it, you have to put in the work to get there. Believe me, I know all too well that beyond talent, luck, happenstance, and whatever else, hard work pays off and gets you there. I live my life that way. But in one of my dreams, I get to be the center, I get to entertain, I get glory, I bring happiness, I exude something amazing. I'm a rockstar. I want to be.

I love spending time in my underwear. A lot of my pure happiness is when I'm lounging around, writing, dancing, playing music, daydreaming, or a combination of the above in my underwear. It's kind of weird to me as I'm pretty self-conscious about my body and in most clothes, but I feel the prettiest and happiest when I get the space and freedom to express myself in just that.

I cry during 30 second advertising spots and when people I care about are hurting. I even cry when people I don't particularly care about are obviously (to me) hurting.

I make tons of notes. To myself, sometimes to others. Post Its are a friend of mine, in both the paper and digital versions. At any given point in time my desk, computer, space are full of posted sticky notes and scraps of paper that have quotes, reminders, to do lists, and other various things I felt the need to jot down and leave for me.

I prefer skirts.

I can listen to a song over and over and over and over again. But I purposely change it up just to expose myself to something else.

I can and likely will obsess on things I choose to think on. Sometimes I get things all twisted up and overthought, but for the most part, I'm able to solve things and find some sort of resolution most others don't. If I didn't spend so much time thinking on things, I think some of my best qualities would go away. The things I prefer about myself wouldn't survive if I didn't sit and ruminate so much. I like noticing the little things, I like paying attention to what people want to communicate and don't necessarily know how to. I like being able to admit my faults, I like constantly being open and willing to grow, I like self-improving, I like loving. And those things I like, and some more, are made possible by my sitting quietly with those many thoughts.

Ruminate is one of my favorite words. So is love.

I could drink coffee at just about any point in the day. I don't quite consider it a vice as I don't turn to it for anything, but I do love it.

I am one of the most resilient people I know. I am proud of myself for that. Sometimes I don't sit with that pride or allow myself to feel it, but wow. I have come a long way, through a lot, and I am proud of that. Even though I take responsibility for my role in the tough stuff I encounter and look to not point fingers at those who have inflicted hard times, that does not take away from what I have come through and back from. And that is great.

Thank you for reading.
xxo