So, wanted to share something. A few days before Christmas, Sunday to be exact, I was in a foul mood. No reason for it, I just was. Phryne, our little conure bird, decided to take that moment to sink her beak into my hand and draw blood. I snapped my hand out to get away from the pain, which ended up with her getting slung into the wall (she's okay!). I had so much guilt and shame, and was so angry with myself, at that moment, Karen glared at me and I was stopped for a moment, could not really think. I finally just said "I'm going upstairs", which meant to our bedroom. I got up there, sat on the bed, and immediately thought...things would be so much easier if I just killed myself. If I got my gun and just shot myself and had it all over with finally.
Obviously, I didn't. As soon as I thought it I knew I had to talk to Karen immediately. We tried to figure out what was wrong, why I was acting this way. No medication change (which is a huge thing for me, I react oddly to all medications), nothing really wrong, nothing bad has happened. We decided it was that I had too many anxiety stimuli hitting me all at the same time. I could either take more depression meds (which might keep me up all night), be taken to the hospital (which would lock me away for a week and cause way more problems), or Karen could monitor me at all times. We chose the last.
But here's the thing. Once I started talking to Karen, once we began discussing this, my rational brain kicked in and I was no longer going to kill myself. I knew this about me, and could, in hindsight, understand this (not at the time). What had happened to me was what is sometimes referred to as Medulla Oblongata Hijack. Basically, my medula, which is responsible for the fight or flight mechanism, had had too much stimuli in too short of a time period and decided it was done. Something took it over, filled my body with adrenaline and hormones, and I panicked. Once I started discussing things with Karen, my rational self took back control.
Most people do not lay out a plan to kill themselves. It is usually a spur-of-the-moment thing. If you can engage the rational side of the person, they might calm down. Not saying it's always going to work, but my psychiatrist said that solving long division problems (because it engages the logical part of the brain) or aerobic exercise (because your brain will be more worried about getting it's next breath than trying to commit suicide) are good tools to use. He offered me fast-acting meds like Xanax just in case this happened again, but i decided not to go with it because (for me) deciding to take a pill would be basically the same as deciding I needed Karen, it would engage rational thinking, and I will always think that I need to talk to Karen before I need to take a pill.
Ha! Turns out Karen is my Xanax! :-)
So why did I share? I just needed to. And, maybe, someone out here might find this interesting or useful. Hopefully, you are all doing well, as am I. And I mean that both mentally as well as physically.
tl:dnr - I didn't kill myself, and some interesting information about how the brain works.
Much love and happiness to you all. I hope you are having a wonderful day. Love and hugs. **MWAH**
