COSMOS: WAR OF THE PLANETS, 1977 color
The intro alone will make you hate this movie. Long and random scenes of a spaceship doing “space things”, but nothing that furthers a plot. And it is so chopped up it looks like film clips inserted in random orders from the floor of the rejects. They all wear these ridiculous fabric skull caps. Signals from outer space are interfering with Earth communications, and the computer WIZ orders a ship to go destroy that signal. They find some flying saucers and shoot at them for no reason. Then a planet’s gravity draws the ship in and it is forced to orbit. So they land and explore. In the future, flashlights still suck and give less light than they do now. Imagine long scenes of black with little pinpoints of light. This is what I’m watching now. One astronaut finds a red light, literally, he is bathed in a red light, and it terrifies and attacks him. Another has a red light shown on her. She dead. We find the transmission source. Suddenly, pipe organs bang out Phantom of the Opera. They meet thong-wearing, silver-painted men and decide to help them defeat their enemy, a computer/robot. With red headlights. The robot tells them they need to replace some circuits so he can conquer the Universe. Hmm, let me think on this…No. They fashion a sling and hit it with some small computer components, destroying the computer. Humanity is saved! They head back to Earth, but find their computer is now talking like the evil Robot! Oh no! Humanity is doomed. A rage against the machine, don’t rely on technology warning message is fairly heavily slathered across this entire movie.
Favorite lines:
Capt. Hamilton: “Don’t worry about it. That computer is drunk.” Oh drunkie-drunk computer.
Hamilton: “Activate cameras!”
Astronaut 1: “Executed.”
Astronaut 2: “Executed.”
Astronaut 3: “Executed.” Well, I guess they executed the cameras?
Astronaut: “My compliments Captain, you are the first man to step foot on this planet.” Meanwhile, the Captain is still standing on the ships ramp.
Astronaut: “We’ve disappeared from one place and appeared in another. I don’t get it.” Me neither. I’m lost.
Robot: “Earthlings, put down your arms.” I, um, they’re attached. Can’t really…you know.
DESTROY ALL PLANETS, 1968 color
Oh boy! Gamera is back! A bumblebee spaceship closes on Earth to colonize the planet. Gamera says No! and destroys the ship. Gamera song plays. Yes, there is a Gamera song. Then another bumblebee ship is sent. Meanwhile 2 annoying boys basically steal a mini-sub and go joy riding with Gamera. Who is then trapped in a super catch ray from the aliens. Then we get a recap of the past Gamera movies. For 30 minutes. With no dialog. Then the aliens decide to use Gamera’s weakness against him, by trapping the meddlesome children and threatening to kill them if he doesn’t do what they say. So they make him attack the cities of Japan. The boys, of course, foil Plan A, so the aliens move on to Plan B, which is to combine into a giant monster and attack Gamera. Kinda looks like a land-based squid. 11 minutes later, Gamera wins and the Gamera song plays. Aaand I guess that’s it. There was no planet destroying here, so I’m a little disappointed.
Favorite lines:
Spaceship 2: “Activate the super catch ray.” Is there a lesser catch ray?
Meddlesome boys: “Fight Gamera. Fight!” Oh jeez, why didn’t ‘I’ think of that. Of course, fighting. What a great idea.
Believe it or not, that’s the first 50, mind boggling bad films. I think I might need a break. My brain sure does.