COLOSSUS AND THE AMAZON QUEEN, 1960 color
Colossus, better known as Glauco, is apparently a very strong guy, as he proves by winning a bare-knuckle brawl contest, Greek style, set to some cool, swinging 60’s jazz. Then a bar brawl, with cool, swinging 60’s jazz music. Like, far out man. Glauco gets kidnapped, with the help of his friend Pirro (thanks loads Pirro!) and is now on a Greek-ish pirate ship. And a ship brawl occurs with cool, swinging 60’s jazz music. Glauco also seems to be a wee bit of a drunk. Apparently the ship’s crew drank some wine and ends up unconscious and taken as slaves. By dun-dun-duuuun! Amazons! The Amazons argue amongst themselves about fine points of law about how inferior men are. The Amazons seem a bit…haphazard. And really like their wine too. Then we see the domestic scene of men doing all the womanly chores, shopping, cooking, hanging out the wash. Oh how fun, role reversals. And said with a slight lisp. And they prance. Oh good gods, this is painful. An avante-guard dance-scene occurs, set to cool, swinging 60’s jazz music. Did I mention this is painful? When it’s over the slaves are looking around…Should we clap? Snap our fingers? Oh, nope, they get a shower instead. Then…jousting? And then they “divvy up the men.” Apparently Amazons are guy-crazy. Who knew? Downside. Amazons sentence the men to hard labor after one night together! Glauco and the future queen Antiope escape a plot and are pursued, to the sounds of cool, swinging 60’s jazz music. Let’s see, Glauco gets back to Greece and kidnaps a new crew of people to come back and rescue Antiope. Glauco gets captured, of course. Then set free. Ugh, now the kidnapped Greeks decide to invade the Amazonian city. To cool, swinging 60’s jazz music. Glauco and Pirro free the slaves who go to rescue the women. All to cool, swinging 60’s…oh, never mind. Thus the men and women learn to love, etc, etc.
Favorite lines:
Glauco: “A woman! A woman in uniform! What is going on here?!?” Glauco’s a bit slow in the brain-pan area.
Glauco: “And we’d better escape soon. We’re in the hands of the Amazons. Wild Women.” Of Wongo?
Pirro: “Women?”
All the other captive men: “Women?!?”
Pirro: “If we’re in the hands of women, who wants to escape?” These men are…devolved.
Amazon man: “I don’t know, I just never seem to get my whites as bright as yours.” Let’s pound the point home, boys.
Slave: “I am the Gods gift to the women of Southern Greece. Let’s be off my babies. Y’all is my women now.” What!?! !!!!!!!!!!!!
EEGAH, 1962 color
Eegods is more like it. Okay, here we go. So Eegah is the last in a long line of cavemen and finds that he likes Roxy. Roxy likes Tom, though gods only know why. He whines. Every line is a whine. Roxy hits Eegah with her car in the desert. Miller (Roxy’s Dad) decides to go find him and has a helicopter drop him off in the desert to search. Eegah captures dear old Dad. Oh no! Tom sings!!!! Well, more whines in tune. Tom and Roxy head out in Tom’s coolio dune buggy to find Miller. Dad isn’t where he’s supposed to be so they camp out. And now he’s singing again. Ugh. Next morning they find Dad’s camera and the search continues. Eegah captures Roxy. Sheesh, Roxy faints at the drop of a hat. Roxy and Dad are in Eegah’s cave, Eegah introduces Roxy to his dead relatives. Meanwhile, Tom wanders around the desert. Eegah discovers bras. Tom finally finds them and knocks Eegah out with a well-placed rock. They escape and Eegah is left alone. Poor, sad, unloved Eegah. Eegah hatches a plan and goes to town to find her, his lonely call of Eegah! can be head across the desert. Eegah learns about pool water and Pomeranians women’s rooms and buffet lines. Finally, he scent tracks them down. Better than a bloodhound, our Eegah! The police catch up with him and plug him full of holes. So ends the last of the cavemen. Eegah!!!!
Favorite lines:
Tom: “You stay with the buggy.”
Roxy: “No.”
Tom: “Come on, we have to come back to the buggy anyway.”
Roxy: “Nope.”
Tom: “Women! Sheesh, come on Roxy.”
Roxy: “Okay.” Not really favorite lines, so much as the typical dialog. Ugh.
Tom (looking at Roxy): “Wowzie wowza wow!” Eloquent.
Tom: “Mr. Miller, I got my Dad’s wheels tonight.”
Miller: “Really? Do they fit on your car?” Oh Miller, you are a comedian!
Police Radio: “Large man or giant is causing a disturbance.” Do you often get giants?