Today’s movies are brought to you by the letter ‘W’, for Women.
THE WILD WOMEN OF WONGO, 1958 color (Pathecolor, specifically)
As the song goes, If loving you is Wongo, I don’t want to be Wrighto. Or something like that. Apparently Mother Nature and Father Time tried an experiment, then blamed the resulting mess on the Wild Women of Wongo. Seriously, opening lines. So here’s the setup: Wongo women are gorgeous, Wongo me are brutes. Neighboring tribe Guna’s men are gorgeous and women…not so much. I view this as sort of incorrect information. I mean, the Wongo Women are okay looking, and their men are a bit…unenlightened. Guna’s men are…well, meh, a bit effeminate. The Wild Women of Wongo (WWW) are rather taken by the Guna Man (GM). GM asks for help from Wongo Men (WM) to fight an invading tribe. WM decide to kill GM in morning because he’s too good looking. Predictably, WWW get up to shenanigans. The WM banish all the WWW from the village. Looks like a bad decision if you are going to, you know, propagate the species. Then we get a look at the Women of Guna (WG). Yikes. They really went all out to make these women unappealing. WWW put on a modern alligator dance to see if they can go back to their village (why bother, really?), WWW wrestles alligator (I really feel sorry for the small alligator) but no. WWW feed invaders to alligators (they look a bit like early Hollywood depictions of Neanderthals). They return to Wongo to find the Neanderthals have raided the village and all the men gone. The WWW fight. No folding chairs were used. It’s decided to go find the hot looking men in Guna instead of finding their men. WM return and find the village empty, decide the Neanderthals have taken the women, decide to head to Guna too. Hilarity ensues as the WWW go around and capture all the GM. WM seem to prefer the GW, and GM prefer the WWW. All is happy in the end. Finally.
Favorite lines:
King of Wongo: “We will kill Man from Guna, with woman’s face, but man’s body.”
Wongo Man: “Yes, we do not want woman’s face, but we worry Women will want these men.”
Son of King of Guna: “I was saved, saved by the women of Wongo.”
King of Guna: “The women?”
SoKoG: “They are very unusual women. Very brave.”
KoG: “You are shamed!”
SoKoG: “I am alive.”
KoG: “It is good.” Shamed, but alive, all is good.
PREHISTORIC WOMEN, 1950 color (by Cinecolor)
The Narrator is almost all of the dialog in this movie. We are introduced to a tribe of women led by Tigre, and all of the women, but it’s so dark, we can only see a vague outline of each person, so we have no idea who is who. Thuggish men try to dominate the women of Tigre’s tribe, while Tigre was still a child. The women rebel (good for them) and flee to form their own tribe, seeming to do better than the men did. Tigre’s tribe are told by the Wise Woman to go find men. So off they go with their black panther. Meanwhile, we see the hairless-chested cave-dwelling men of Ingor’s tribe hunting and trapping a tiger. The panther attacks one of the men. Oh, the amazing battle of one man against a stuffed panther. I’m breathless. WWW…I mean Tigre’s tribe is pissed and starts stoning the men, eventually capturing them all, except Ingor. Ingor goes to capture the women, all by himself, and apparently discovers how to make fire along the way. Something happens to Tigre’s tribe! We can’t tell what since it is soooo dark we just see blurs, and the Narrator is annoyingly silent about this. Ingor, of course, gets captured and Tigre, of course, is very interested in him. Honestly, lots might be happening during the nights, but it’s so dark, we can’t see anything but blurs. Ingor stages a prisonbreak and captures the women. They discover cooked meat is delicious. They bond over their mutual fear of a Neanderthal attack, who they then burn to death. Yikes! But the women dance the marriage dance and all is well…I guess, cause it’s night again and can’t see a darned thing.
Favorite lines:
Narrator: “Our knowledge of the prehistoric world, before the first historians wrote down the first stories…” Yup, that about covers it.
Narrator: “Under the spell of the full moon, she and the women of her tribe dance restlessly, savagely…They dance, not knowing why…” More…listlessly. And for gods sake, stop dancing and figure out why.
Narrator: “Ingor and his tribe are amazed to find they have been attacked by the weaker sex.” So who exactly is being knocked unconscious by whom? I think it’s the men that are going down for the count.
Tigre: “Palo, un rog.” Ahahaha, you said it Tigre.
Narrator: “Strangely enough the swan dive was developed before the first swan.” Then…why did they call it a swan dive???
Narrator: “Ingor labors over moving a rock that Tigre has told him to move. Ingor can’t budge it.” Maybe he needs an accountant. Get it? Budge it???