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ASSIGNMENT: OUTER SPACE, 1960 color???
Reporter from basically New York Times is sent on a flight to a space station outside our galaxy to report on how things are out there. Nobody likes the reporter, that’s for certain. It’s easy to see why…he’s kind of a prat. We have questions: Why do they call each other by tag-numbers which are printed on the back of their flight suits (Y-13 (Our only female), IZ-41, X-15, etc.) rather than names? Why do they all seem to have a metallic sheen (maybe it’s the “color” (more like grey-scales))? Why is there always only one woman in these? They are told by Command that they need to go to Mars to investigate a loss of signal with an exploration ship there (why not send it from Earth?). Hmm… They rescue the pilot, tell about Alpha 2 being about to destroy Earth, and they are the only hope to destroy Alpha 2, which is a 1 in a million chance. What is Alpha 2? Looks like some kind of spaceship. Then we’re told that it’s Christmas Day for some reason, and some Christmas music plays. Anyway, Al dies, space station is destroyed, Reporter decides to become a hero, Reporter and Y-13 fall in love. I really think they meant outside our Solar System, rather than outside our Galaxy.
Favorite Lines:
Al: “We didn’t have one, leech.”
Reporter: “Why do you call me that?”
Al: “No offense, but out here you’re a parasite.” Get it? Leech?
Crewman 1: “How’s our new reporter?”
Crewman 2: “Still smells a little Earthy.” Get it? Earth-y! HAH!
LASER MISSION, 1990?!? color
Wow, 1990! This should be much better…oh gods, no, it’s not.
Diamond stolen. Cuba. Brandon Lee is a CIA freelancer. Ernest Borgnine is a Nazi(?) scientist. Soviet Union wants Borgnine. America wants Borgnine. Lee goes to get him with his daughter. Incompetent Cubans(?) and Soviets can’t stop them. I assume they’re incompetent because they can’t stop the VW van they are driving. They wander through a desert, being shot at by various people working for Eckhart, the bad guy, find a posh hotel, make love (without even a shower first! Ewww! After all that time in the desert!), she gets captured, he gets captured, plot is revealed, and threats are made. Some light bondage and a kick or two in the groin. Bad guy is shot, blown up, crushed by a car. Seriously, shoot him in the head to make sure! He keeps coming back…and prolonging this movie!
Favorite Lines:
Bad guy: “I cannot be beat by a woman!”
Daughter: many well placed punches later prove him wrong.