VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN, 1968 Color
There's an entire planet of Prehistoric Women? Yowza!
Ah Venus. Once again we set down on your Earth-like surface. Two astronauts and a robot named John...wait a minute! These are the two astronauts and robot John that went to the last Prehistoric Planet of Venus. Oh boy, I don't have a good feeling about this movie... Wait, now suddenly there's three of them and no robot. No wait, that's now a different spaceship. We are now back to a 2 person, now 3 person, back to 2...Stick with one ship or the other! Ahha! Okay, so two person ship with John crash on Venus. 3 person ship goes to rescue them. Wait a minute, this is the same movie! Noooooooooo!!! A while into this there are suddenly several seashell bikini clad telepathic women which are dubbed in as the Prehistoric Women, who really just want the men to go away. Sounds familiar. Ooo, but twist, because the men get away, they determine their god is false and that John the robot, who was sacrificed to a lava flow, is their new god. Favorite lines:
Hans (yes, that Hans): "Kearn. Sherman. Sherman. Kearn. Well, it's hopeless." Geez, they really write you off fast.
Hans: "It's 4.7 on Oxygen."
Commander: "That's pretty close." Pretty close?!? Better be damned close if you're going to breathe it!
Gods, I had to watch this movie twice. Twice I tells ya!
KONG ISLAND, 1968 Color
Hey, what if we wanted to use gorillas to create an unstoppable army? And let's say we do this by chipping their brains so they have to obey our commands? Sound great? Well, where would we do this? Let's go to Kong Island, because nothing bad ever happened there! But first, before we get there, let’s have 5 minutes of cool 60's music and dancing to show how hip we all are, and what smooth moves our erstwhile hero, Burt, has. Oh, and let's go hunt sacred monkeys too. Ah! A plot develops: Chipped gorillas kidnap Diana, Villain delivers terms, and father hires Burt to lead expedition to rescue Diana. Hero is captured by natives, let escape to be hunted, then bathes in waterfall. Eva, the topless Jungle Girl, follows at a distance, giggling over our hero. Mad scientist monologues. Holy cow, let’s see if I can get this needlessly twisted plot straightened out. Father wants Burt dead and pays Mad Scientist and Villain to…you know what, it doesn’t really matter. The only people that survive are Jungle Girl, Burt and Diana. Roll credits! Favorite lines:
Diana: "Oh look, elephants!"
Robert: "I'll bet you wish we were hunting elephants." BAM! Sure, why not?
Diana: "Look! A pair of lions!"
Robert: "Good hunting down there." BAM! Sure, why not?
Robert (laughing): "Look out, those cheetah cubs look ferocious."
Diana: "There's their mother!" BAM! Sure, why not?
Hunter: “Crocodile!” BAM! Sure, why not?
Robert: “Python.” Raises gun…
Burt: “Don’t kill it.” BA…huwhat!?! Something they won’t kill?
Umm, one major flaw. There was no Island. I was promised an Island!
BRIDE OF THE GORILLA, 1951 B&W
Alright, I’m already suspicious given the bait-and-switch used with past titles. I’ll bet you there will be no bride at all!
This is jungle! Hooray, some clarity! And apparently Jungle took the law into its own…hands? Barney is a South American plantation manager. He likes the owner’s wife, Dina, wife likes him, Larina likes him too, owner is suspicious so fires Barney. Barney gets snake to kill husband. Barney marries Dina then leaves her on their wedding night to wander the jungle because old woman performs voodoo on Barney to turn him into a gorilla. Or is it all in his mind? We’ll never know, but justice was served. Favorite lines:
Barney: “You call this freedom? With bars in front of the window?” Serving girl hands him a drink.
Holy cats, this movie actually has talent! Raymond Burr, Lon Chaney, Jr., Barbara Peyton, Paul Cavanagh, Tom Conway!
And you know what? There was both a bride and a gorilla!