Horrors of Spider Island, 1962 B&W
Oh gods, I've seen this before. Don't judge me!
Dance troupe manager Gary takes his troupe of female dancers on a plane to Singapore. The plane crashes in the ocean and they find an island. Perhaps out tititular island? There they find the cabin of a scientist who was looking for uranium deposits. In the cabin they find said scientist strung up on a rope shaped like a spider web. Oh no! Once the scientist is out of the way, the girls strip down (that darned heat) to their underwear, fight with each other over clothes, then decide to sleep outside. Wait, what about the spider that made that giant web? Gary wanders off, gets bitten, and transforms instantly in the Spider-Man. No, not the friendly neighborhood web slinger. The murdering type. The first to get it is the most promiscuous of the women (of course). After burying her, they fight again, well, more sexy wrestle than fight. A month later...The scientist's two assistants show up and the women go all out and dress in their bikinis (?) to impress the guys. Much sexy dancing occurs. Bobby hooks up with every girl in 15 minute increments, Joe falls in love with one. The boys fight. FINALLY the Spider-Man makes his appearance to put this movie, and us, out of our misery. Favorite lines:
Babs: "Hey dadd-y-o. How about throwing those lamps my way?"
Bobby: "Oh boy, you got it."
and:
Bobby: "Let them all go. They're all good for nothing. Not worth anything. Come on, let's get a drink."
and:
Bobby: "what are dancers? Hot goods for a cold night."
That Bobby sure is a sweetheart guy!
Joe (drawing a gun): "You go help Gloria and I'll run back and get the ammunition." (Then why the heck do you have the gun???)
It...it was even worse the second time around...
The Wasp Woman, 1960 B&W
Aging owner, Ms. Starling, of a beauty company (who isn't wearing any makeup) hires a questionable scientist, Zinthrup(?), who talks to wasps. He extracts royal jelly from a queen wasp to make owner younger. Several injections later and she starts wearing makeup, and surprise: she starts looking younger. Marketing executives are suspicious of Vinshrup(?) and start looking into his claims. Meanwhile, Starling sneaks into lab and injects herself with a full-strength dose of compound, because obviously if a little is good... She comes in next morning looking very young. Shinzrub(?) gets hit by a car and owner hires a detective agency to find him. Search montage runs for 5 minutes until they find him in a hospital. Starling keeps shooting herself full of serum until finally her face turns into a wasp. People start dropping like, well, flies. The Wasp, erm, Starling, finally gets hers in the end. Favorite lines:
Thinshrub(?): "I know you're a good woman, even though you don't want to let anyone else know." Ouch.
Maureen: "If it took 15 years off of Ms. Starling, it should be able to take 10 off of you." Double ouch.
Bill: "You know, Mary, she is looking a lot younger these days. Do you think Zintub(?) will give you any of those injections?" Yikes!
These people are terrible!
Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, 1965 Color-ish
Oh Basil Rathbone, what did you do to get you cast in this...movie?
The year? 2020! The Moon has been explored and colonized. And the Next space goal is about to be reached! First landing by Man on the planet Venus. Because it has conditions just like our own. ?!?! Turtleneck wearing astronauts land on Venus with robot named John looking for life. Various sad-looking creatures alternately attack and are oblivious to the men. They find evidence of a civilization, sacrifice John the Robot to survive lava, pontificate about the people of Venus and what they must be like. More dino-like creatures, men gather samples, then leave. Favorite lines:
Hans: "I can't imagine anyone in their right mind exploring Venus."
Commander: "Come on Hans, We're here, and we're in our right minds. Aren't we?" Aren't we Hans?!?