How do we convince ourselves?
Growing up we are prodded to be successful. Asked if we want to be successful. Implication being that we will be happy. But nobody ever asks if we want to be happy when we grow up. It’s implied that if we are successful then we will be happy, and if not, then we are unhappy.
But whose success are we measuring? Growing up I wanted to be in the Navy, just like my Dad. I think it was the uniform and the ships more than anything else. But once I reached the point of actually thinking and deciding for myself, I wanted to be an architect. Not because I was going to revolutionize the industry, make tons of money, own a huge firm, be world renowned. None of that. I liked to draw. And I was fascinated by architectural drawings. Even when I was 10, I would look in the paper for the homes for sale and pour over the tiny architectural plans of each home listed, wondering why they did this or that. I took a few years of architecture in high school and loved it. But, when it came time for me to go to college, my Dad was very firm that I needed to study and do something that would make more money, that I would never be or do anything as an architect, just a single cog in a wheel. Mom agreed. The implication was that since I would not make lots of money, I would not be successful. At the time it never occurred to me that without that one cog, the wheel doesn’t turn and it all breaks down. So I went for a business degree. The degree was useless to me, I hated most of it, disliked the people (figured out later that it was not something wrong with me, just that I did not agree with their mentality and values). Met Karen there, so it was all worth it. I did “business” work for about 6 years afterwards before it almost drove me to kill myself. Then I left that, started in I.T. and never looked back. But that’s a different story. I still have nightmares of being in the business world. Bad ones.
Okay, let’s look at me from a traditional successful standpoint:
Married. Check. Own a large-ish house. Check. Kids. No. Lots of money. No. Respected at work. No. A big boss at work. No. Employed. No 2 cars. Check.
By these standards, I’m a failure. I’m not securing my legacy by producing offspring. I don’t have large amounts of wealth to show my success. I retired quite early from working because I was not happy, to the point of suicide. Technically, I am respected at work now, since I’m a house-spouse, but still, as the man, I’m supposed to work forever.
Now from the non-traditional viewpoint:
In a committed and loving partnership. Check. Stable income. Check. Viable transportation. Check. House. Check. Healthy. Reasonably, so check. Have friends and loved ones. Check. Help people. Check. Mental health stability. Check. Happy. No.
And it’s that last one that really kills me. I’m not happy, because it was ingrained into my brain that the traditional standards are all that matter in making me happy. So my brain continually wars with me, telling me I am a failure, while so much success lay about me. Would I have been happier to have been an architect? Probably not. At first yes, but eventually I would have been destroyed by the same thing that did me in now, which is small minded managers busily trying to show how successful they are that they think nothing of others around them.
Last night was another in a long line of nightmares. I was at my old middle school as an adult, looking for a specific teacher to discuss with her how she had remained so happy and how she knew she was supposed to be a teacher, etc. Other teachers greeted me as I wandered the halls, some stopping to talk with me, so it was clear they knew me. One of them was asking why I wasn’t at the party last night, that they all went and had a great time, and I had just stayed home. Never did find that teacher, but the message is clear. I am unhappy. Torn.
I am desperately trying to convince myself that I am okay. Karen and I decided that this was our best move. She loves her job (when she doesn’t hate it), so it made sense. My subconscious is still punishing me. We are still applying these old, traditional, increasingly non-relevant measures of success to each generation, and it’s causing them to go through the same problems. Is it any wonder there is such an increase in depression and suicide today? We are literally killing people so that a few of us can be “successful.”
Sadly, there’s really nothing that can be done, except on an individual basis. Basically, triage after the injury already occurs, which will never fully heal. And now, today, we seem to be returning to the 1860’s where a large portion of our country thinks the Emancipation Proclamation was a mistake. This world is so full of hate. We are all suffering from a disease brought about by a few people. These people hate everyone that is not just like them. They look for, and find, scapegoats, then convince us we should hate these people too. It’s happened time and again before, and is happening again, this time in the US. Again.
But I digress. Point is, there is too much hate. Don’t feed into it. Do you know what I see when I see a Muslim woman wearing a headscarf? Oooo, that’s an awesome design on that scarf! That’s it. Young black man hanging around? Damnit, I want his style. That’s it. Old white guys talking loudly on the phone in a restaurant? KILL HIM WITH FIRE! Okay, I’m still working on that one, but nobody’s perfect.
So, the lessons: Don’t be a dick. Give people a break, including yourself. Love others, including yourself. Measure yourself by your own values. Use your turn signal (they’re right there, for the love of gods!). Remember others have feelings.
Meanwhile, I’m going to try to give myself a break. I’m going to make some tea, sit in the library and watch the birds play in the yard. Then I’m going to do some more laundry.