Movie Reviews!!!
Okay, so I've seen 2 new movies in the past couple weeks. Here are my reviews.
----------------------------
Rush Hour 3. I'm not sure there's really a void of bad press for this movie, but I felt I had to weigh in on this. This movie was so atrocious, I really have to condense the movie into my personal synopsis. Here be spoilers.
Act 1
----------
Scene 1
------------
Lee: Hey, I'm protecting Han. Badass.
Elsewhere
Carter: Damn, I'm a really bad traffic cop. Fuck, I caused a (massive) wreck. I'm gonna let this black dude off, and then extort these two girls into a date with Lee and me. I'll call Lee.
Lee: Hey, don't call me, I'm protecting Han.
A little while later
Ambassador: I'm the villain, but you won't know that till later. Here's Han!
Han: Okay, the Triad leader is... ow, fuck someone shot me.
Lee: Balls! Lemme leap out of the 40th story and catch the perp!
Elsewhere
Carter: Shit! I hear about it on the radio! Hey girls-I'm-dating-later, I'm stealing your car. And look there's Lee! Let's follow!
Soon
Lee: Hey fucker, stop.
Shinji: Hey Lee, remember like, when we were best friends?
Lee: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (Vader-esque)
Shinji: *gets away*
Scene 2
--------------
Police Chief: Carter, eat a big bag of dick.
Carter: My bad.
Lee: Let's go see Han.
Soon
Soo Yung: OMG, you guys are here. Thanks. Kill that fucker, kay? And go look in my locker in Chinatown, where I'm now a badass martial arts teacher.
Carter: I want to put my penis in you.
Scene 3
------------
Carter: Gimme the damn locker, bitch.
Dojo dude: Wait, the master needs to okay that.
Carter: Fuck you, you're small and Asian and I have a gun. Lemme go back here.
Giant asian dude: Grrr.
Carter: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! *ass handed to him*
Lee: Yeah, same here.
Dojo master: *walks in* I'm blind master Yu.
Carter: Gimme Soo Yung's stuff.
Dojo master: Nah, these dudes took it.
Lee and Carter: Balls, Soo Yung's in trouble.
Back at hospital
Everyone: A plot is afoot.
Action happens.
Lee and Carter: There are clues that say we need to go to France.
Act 2
-------------
Scene 1
-------------
French police: Haha, cavity searches!
Carter: Ow. Let's go to this house of ill repute.
Lee: Ow. You suck.
Carter: No, for real, look at the address.
Lee: That is significant. Let's get a taxi.
Cabbie: No, I don't like Americans, you're violent.
Carter: I'll shoot you.
Cabbie: Where to?
Scene 2
------------
Carter: I see a hot vagina-possessor, brb.
at the bar
Lee: Where's the bad guy?
Random asian lady: *gives off bad vibes* I'll tell you, cop.
Lee: Cool.
upstairs
Random asian lady: Just kidding. Die.
fight happens, Carter listens outside and thinks they are fucking
Lee and Carter: Let's get out of here!
soon
Lee and Carter: Shit, we're caught.
Shinji: Hey Lee.
Lee: We were best friends as kids.
Shinji: I know, lol. And now I'm a bad guy. Hey gang, kill em.
Carter and Lee: *escape*
Scene 3
------------
Ambassador: *randomly appears in their hotel room* Hey, go talk to Genevieve, she'll give you vital info.
at some fashion show
Carter: That's the hot vagina-possessor from earlier.
Lee: Hey, woman, let's go.
Genevieve: No.
Triads: *fire guns*
Genevieve: Kay.
Scene 4
-------------
Carter: We saved you.
Genevieve: Yeah, let's bang.
Carter: Something's weird.
Random asian lady from earlier who is apparently an assassin: Shit, I gotta leave.
Genevieve: Yeah, they're after me. Look. *takes off wig* My tattoo has the names of the Triad heads.
Carter: Wait, you have no hair? That means you have a cock and I am no longer interested.
Cabbie: Hey guys, come stay at my place. Assassins are bad news. By the way, Americans rock, and I wanna be a super-spy.
Scene 5
-------------
Ambassador: So, she IS the list? Cool. Take off the wig and lemme see.
Lee: We didn't tell him that. Shit!
Ambassador: Haha, I am the villain. The phone's gonna ring.
Phone: Ring.
Lee: Hello?
Phone/Shinji: Hey, I have Soo Yung. Bring Genevieve to a tower, and have no one else with you.
Lee: Balls.
Act 3
----------
Scene 1
--------------
Watchers: They're here.
Shinji: Badass.
Lee: Hey Shinji.
Shinji: Hey look, there's Soo Yung hanging outside from a rope. So, Triads do this 100 cuts thing. Here's your first. *cut* Lol.
Lee and Shinji: Battle!
Genevieve: *takes off wig and it's Carter* LOL! *fights other Triads*
Lee and Shinji: No, we're falling! Awesome, a suicide net!
Shinji's sword: Fuck the suicide net! *cuts*
Carter: I'll save you!
Shinji: Don't save me. *falls*
back up top
Carter: Haha, I kicked all yalls asses. Oh no, Soo Yung.
Soo Yung: HAAAAAAAALP!
Carter: I got ya!
Assassin lady: No, you don't!
Carter: Soo Yuuuuuuung!
Assassin lady: Oh no, I am dead.
Lee, Carter, and Soo Yung: *get down from the tower amongst hails of bullet fire, via a jury-rigged parachute of some kind*
Ambassador: Haha, I caught you.
Cabbie: Haha, I kill the ambassador.
Ambassador: Balls.
French police: Hey, good work solving everything, we're gonna take credit for it!
Lee and Carter: Yeah... about that.... *punch in the face, dance in the street*
Credits: *roll*
----------------------------------
Absolute shit. And this fucking waste of 8 of my dwindling hard-earned Subway dollars was an hour and 15 minutes long. Good thing I was drunk.
Superbad, though, kicked major ass. I'll tell of it later, because Rush Hour 3 took way longer than I thought.
Okay, so I've seen 2 new movies in the past couple weeks. Here are my reviews.
----------------------------
Rush Hour 3. I'm not sure there's really a void of bad press for this movie, but I felt I had to weigh in on this. This movie was so atrocious, I really have to condense the movie into my personal synopsis. Here be spoilers.
Act 1
----------
Scene 1
------------
Lee: Hey, I'm protecting Han. Badass.
Elsewhere
Carter: Damn, I'm a really bad traffic cop. Fuck, I caused a (massive) wreck. I'm gonna let this black dude off, and then extort these two girls into a date with Lee and me. I'll call Lee.
Lee: Hey, don't call me, I'm protecting Han.
A little while later
Ambassador: I'm the villain, but you won't know that till later. Here's Han!
Han: Okay, the Triad leader is... ow, fuck someone shot me.
Lee: Balls! Lemme leap out of the 40th story and catch the perp!
Elsewhere
Carter: Shit! I hear about it on the radio! Hey girls-I'm-dating-later, I'm stealing your car. And look there's Lee! Let's follow!
Soon
Lee: Hey fucker, stop.
Shinji: Hey Lee, remember like, when we were best friends?
Lee: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (Vader-esque)
Shinji: *gets away*
Scene 2
--------------
Police Chief: Carter, eat a big bag of dick.
Carter: My bad.
Lee: Let's go see Han.
Soon
Soo Yung: OMG, you guys are here. Thanks. Kill that fucker, kay? And go look in my locker in Chinatown, where I'm now a badass martial arts teacher.
Carter: I want to put my penis in you.
Scene 3
------------
Carter: Gimme the damn locker, bitch.
Dojo dude: Wait, the master needs to okay that.
Carter: Fuck you, you're small and Asian and I have a gun. Lemme go back here.
Giant asian dude: Grrr.
Carter: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! *ass handed to him*
Lee: Yeah, same here.
Dojo master: *walks in* I'm blind master Yu.
Carter: Gimme Soo Yung's stuff.
Dojo master: Nah, these dudes took it.
Lee and Carter: Balls, Soo Yung's in trouble.
Back at hospital
Everyone: A plot is afoot.
Action happens.
Lee and Carter: There are clues that say we need to go to France.
Act 2
-------------
Scene 1
-------------
French police: Haha, cavity searches!
Carter: Ow. Let's go to this house of ill repute.
Lee: Ow. You suck.
Carter: No, for real, look at the address.
Lee: That is significant. Let's get a taxi.
Cabbie: No, I don't like Americans, you're violent.
Carter: I'll shoot you.
Cabbie: Where to?
Scene 2
------------
Carter: I see a hot vagina-possessor, brb.
at the bar
Lee: Where's the bad guy?
Random asian lady: *gives off bad vibes* I'll tell you, cop.
Lee: Cool.
upstairs
Random asian lady: Just kidding. Die.
fight happens, Carter listens outside and thinks they are fucking
Lee and Carter: Let's get out of here!
soon
Lee and Carter: Shit, we're caught.
Shinji: Hey Lee.
Lee: We were best friends as kids.
Shinji: I know, lol. And now I'm a bad guy. Hey gang, kill em.
Carter and Lee: *escape*
Scene 3
------------
Ambassador: *randomly appears in their hotel room* Hey, go talk to Genevieve, she'll give you vital info.
at some fashion show
Carter: That's the hot vagina-possessor from earlier.
Lee: Hey, woman, let's go.
Genevieve: No.
Triads: *fire guns*
Genevieve: Kay.
Scene 4
-------------
Carter: We saved you.
Genevieve: Yeah, let's bang.
Carter: Something's weird.
Random asian lady from earlier who is apparently an assassin: Shit, I gotta leave.
Genevieve: Yeah, they're after me. Look. *takes off wig* My tattoo has the names of the Triad heads.
Carter: Wait, you have no hair? That means you have a cock and I am no longer interested.
Cabbie: Hey guys, come stay at my place. Assassins are bad news. By the way, Americans rock, and I wanna be a super-spy.
Scene 5
-------------
Ambassador: So, she IS the list? Cool. Take off the wig and lemme see.
Lee: We didn't tell him that. Shit!
Ambassador: Haha, I am the villain. The phone's gonna ring.
Phone: Ring.
Lee: Hello?
Phone/Shinji: Hey, I have Soo Yung. Bring Genevieve to a tower, and have no one else with you.
Lee: Balls.
Act 3
----------
Scene 1
--------------
Watchers: They're here.
Shinji: Badass.
Lee: Hey Shinji.
Shinji: Hey look, there's Soo Yung hanging outside from a rope. So, Triads do this 100 cuts thing. Here's your first. *cut* Lol.
Lee and Shinji: Battle!
Genevieve: *takes off wig and it's Carter* LOL! *fights other Triads*
Lee and Shinji: No, we're falling! Awesome, a suicide net!
Shinji's sword: Fuck the suicide net! *cuts*
Carter: I'll save you!
Shinji: Don't save me. *falls*
back up top
Carter: Haha, I kicked all yalls asses. Oh no, Soo Yung.
Soo Yung: HAAAAAAAALP!
Carter: I got ya!
Assassin lady: No, you don't!
Carter: Soo Yuuuuuuung!
Assassin lady: Oh no, I am dead.
Lee, Carter, and Soo Yung: *get down from the tower amongst hails of bullet fire, via a jury-rigged parachute of some kind*
Ambassador: Haha, I caught you.
Cabbie: Haha, I kill the ambassador.
Ambassador: Balls.
French police: Hey, good work solving everything, we're gonna take credit for it!
Lee and Carter: Yeah... about that.... *punch in the face, dance in the street*
Credits: *roll*
----------------------------------
Absolute shit. And this fucking waste of 8 of my dwindling hard-earned Subway dollars was an hour and 15 minutes long. Good thing I was drunk.
Superbad, though, kicked major ass. I'll tell of it later, because Rush Hour 3 took way longer than I thought.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I haven't seen RH3 and I think I'll spare myself. But you are damn right about Superbad. One of the best films I've seen in ages!