saltylibrarian

I think I'm too independant for my own good. I've been burned a lot in my life and sometimes feel like I can't count on anyone. I need to learn to let go and lean on people more. I've learned to let people in a lot more since my diagnosis and that's been a really great experience for me. Still makes me nervous sometimes. I have a lot of walls. People who try to get to close too quickly will tend to cause me to go into my shell.

My tests went well today and it looks like I'm in great shape for a good recovery. It will be so good to have this behind me. I was supposed to have surgery in July but they kept adding on chemo. I feel it's been a long time coming and a hard thing to slowly approach. Let's be real, it's an amputation and that's a hard pill to swallow but I know I'll get through it. I'm a strong gal with a lot of spirit and fight.

I'm worried about being "under" and then being so heavily medicated after. I've taken myself to all of my appts. including chemo. My ex took me to my port surgery and although we broke up I was grateful that he was there. He was a strong dude who at least had my back while I was in surgery then. I don't really have that right now. I have a ride and such but the friend I'm taking with me seems pretty damn clueless or wimpy or something. It's hard for me to feel so vulnerable and know I won't be able to "look out" for myself. Chemo is still affecting my brain and I feel overwhelmed with getting my shit together for surgery and then staying on top of my shit after.

gah what happened to all the strong men out there? It seems this emo shit has really caused some weak-ass dudes. Is that a bad thing to say? oh well. I apprecate a man who is in touch with his feelings but that doesn't mean you have to let your backbone turn to jelly does it?

yes another serious blog. sorry about that.

looking forward to lighter days!

smooches.